The answer is always yes

In moments of frustration, have you ever asked the types of rhetorical questions that are directed to people responsible for said frustration, regardless of if they can even hear you or not?

“Is _____ really that difficult?”
“Is your job really that difficult?”
“Is driving a car really that hard?”
“Is it really that difficult to use your turn signal?”
“Is it really that difficult to re-rack your weights?”
“Is it really that hard to wipe down that bench?”
“Is parallel parking really that hard?”
“Is parking really that difficult?”
“Is it really that hard to check your email?”
“Are you really that stupid?”
“Are you really that dense?”
“Are you really that oblivious?”

And the list goes on and on.  I ask these kinds of things often.  Sadly, it’s taken me longer than it probably takes other people to realize that in 100% of these inquiries, the answer is always yes.

So lately, whenever I reflexively blurt out these questions, or ask these things in my head, I actually have to consciously remind myself that the answer yes.

When it comes to the rhetorical questions, inquiring about the difficulty of common human behaviors, the answer is always yes.

That being said, I am apparently very good at many, many, many difficult things.

The escalating stupidity of “house divided” paraphernalia

Down here in the college football ever-loving south, where license plates are not a mandatory thing on the front of the cars, novelty plates like the above are a pretty common thing.  Especially the HOUSE DIVIDED plates that really like to drive home the notion that a couple, each member having gone to a different college, is ironically living with a collegiate arch-nemesis, based on popular rivalries.

House divided plates are pretty common down in Atlanta especially, since Atlanta is widely recognized as the unofficial center point of SEC country, and everyone seems to recognize the SEC as the undisputed dominant super power conference of college football.  But regardless, at least once a day, it’s almost unavoidable to see a house divided plate in the city.

The thing is, at least in most cases it makes sense.  Georgia/Alabama, Alabama/Auburn, Auburn/Florida.  And then it goes inter-conference sometimes with Florida/Florida State, Florida State/Clemson, Clemson/South Carolina, etc, etc.

Frankly, as long as the rivalries seem somewhat justifiable and/or legit, I have no objection to it.  If anything at all, it’s more of a positive nuance to recognize that in spite of the Romeo and Juliet perception between fans of opposing programs, when the day is over, people don’t give a flying fuck about collegiate alliances, in the name of love.

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Are toys fun when they’re OP?

O·P. adj. (pron. oh-pee).  Acronym for “overpowered.”  Established as video game slang; used to describe when a particular character, weapon or item is opinionated to be excessively effective, to the detriment of the claimer’s opinion, but has capabilities of being applied in uses outside of exclusively video games.

In the case of action figures, protagonists that are three times the size of their antagonists, could be classified as being OP.

I saw this commercial for these Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures, and the first thought that came into mind was “are you fucking kidding me?”  Gigantic TMNT action figures to do battle with Foot Clan villains that are a third of their size?  Is that even remotely possibly fun for kids?

Seriously, in no (even) imaginary world should the Turtles made to be this OP.  Shredder is the one supposed to be large and imposing, and twice fold for Krang in his giant robot.  If anything at all, an OP Shredder figure is really the only thing that should make sense, because as far as action and adventure goes, good is always supposed to have this uphill climb to make, and nothing signifies adversity more than a size discrepancy.

But no, Playmates has decided that they want to mislead children into thinking good can steamroll bad, with superior size.  And they represent it pretty wholly, in the way that all four Turtles dwarf an entire army of Shredder and a horde Foot clan soldiers.*

*I love when TMNT commercials past and present always show an army of Foot soldiers, as if any parent would actually buy their kid more than one sold separately Foot clan soldier.  I didn’t know a single kid growing up with more than one, much less ten, to really be able to portray that massive battle with their action figures.

From a kid’s standpoint, this can’t really be that stimulating to the imagination.  Just how many times can they imagine up scenarios where Godzilla sized TMNTs don’t just fall on top of the Shredder action figure, and end every skirmish in two seconds?

I’m pretty sure the only action figures that would stand a chance against these massive TMNT giant figures, are the old dense rubber WWF action figures back from the 80s that had no articulation whatsoever, much less an opening and closing compartment, and they weighed a ton for what they were.

But at least they had the appropriate size to combat giant TMNTs.  It only took almost three decades before someone made an appropriate challenger for them, and we saw how well things ended up for them; OP toys just can’t really be that much fun.

Knowledge is horsepower

Conversely, that means a lack of knowledge means your car might be slower than it should be.

Long gone are the days when I used to relish in the occasional red light skirmish; trying to get to point B from the green light faster than a car in an adjacent lane.  But nowadays I’m older, I just don’t really care about it anymore, and frankly the cost of fuel is more than justifiable enough to not hit 6,000 rpm in first gear and second gear, just to prove that my car is faster than another.

But when a 3rd generation Mitsubishi Eclipse deliberately pulls up next to me with the intent of attempting to pass me on an upcoming merge point, so that they don’t have to wait behind the three cars behind me, I decided that could turn the clock back a little bit.

At this point, it’s not so much as being competitive, but being righteous; the Eclipse was attempting to cut in front of numerous cars in a busy time of day, and I simply did not want to let them.

Additionally, the driver of the car was this douchey looking douche, and the rap music blaring from his speakers was rattling the chassis of his poor car.  And the kicker was all the superfluous badges all over his car, boasting all of the aftermarket parts he had equipped to his “sweet ride.”

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Things Dwyane Wade won’t be able to buy anymore

Not long ago, I wrote about how opt-out clauses are kind of killing professional sport, and a whole bunch or rambling about how at the root of all opt-out clauses, is more greed.  In every instance I mentioned, the people who opted out of millions of dollars ultimately signed contracts worth even more money, displaying what I feel are truly disgusting rich-getting-richer scenarios.

Ultimately, what I failed to say when I wrote that, was that I would love to see an instance where a guy opts out of his contract, only for it to backfire and blow up in his face, and they’re unable to better the numbers in which they opted out of.  Because that would be just dessert for someone getting greedy, and being rudely awakened when the number crunchers and bean counters of sports franchises realize the favor they’ve been granted, and the money they don’t have to spend to acquire their talents.

Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait that long after making my post for it to actually come to fruition.

Dwyane “Don’t spell it ‘Dwayne’” Wade somehow got the idea in his brain that he could better the $40 million dollars he was owed over the next two years, if he opted out and tested the free agent waters.

Now, Wade was one of the best players in the NBA as recently as just 6-8 years ago, and at 32 years old, he would still be considered to be in his peak, so there’s a shred of justification to why he’d want to get the maximum length and subsequent salaried contract he could possibly get.

The problem was, context.  Over the span of the last four years, Wade had completely and voluntarily stepped into the passenger’s seat, and relinquished complete control of the Miami Heat and all the star power he earned himself by bringing them their first championship, to the incoming LeBron James.  Ultimately, as far as team achievements went, it worked, as the Heat won a bunch of championships with LeBron James driving the team, but the bottom line was that Dwyane Wade completely gave up the mantle of Batman to LeBron, and totally voluntarily became Robin.

Who the fuck ever wants to be Robin?

Much less in the ever-ego-driven, look-at-me-and-give-me-lots-of-money NBA?

The sports purist me can completely admire and respect players that do whatever it takes to win championships, like stepping aside and letting a new Batman take the reins, even if it means becoming Robin.  But the intellectual part of me that knows that it’s still a business, and that earning power is derived from star power in the NBA, and when the day is over, Robin will never make Batman money, especially when Batman is still large and in charge.

Needless to say, Dwyane Wade or his agent or financial people didn’t seem to consider the fact that he is seen by the rest of the NBA as a Robin.  And that him opting out of his Batman-money contract was pretty much the dumbest thing in the world to do.

Long story short, Dwyane Wade opted out of the remaining two years and $40M Batman money contract, and re-signed with the Miami Heat; for two years, and $31M Robin dollars.

Dwyane Wade literally lost $9 million dollars on a completely unnecessarily gamble.

From henceforth, I will only refer to him as a mockery of one his nicknames, D-Wade: D-Fail.

When the day is over, a multi-millionaire like D-Fail might not lose any sleep over the fact that he just lost $9 million dollars, but to us plebeians, $9 million dollars is a whole lot of money.  So, for the sake of mocking D-Fail, let’s take a look at all the things D-Fail won’t be able to get, because of his greedy assumption that he was worth more than he actually was.

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