My Five Wives Power Rankings

Since it’s no secret that I have a fascination with the litany of train wreck programming shown on TLC, it shouldn’t be a surprise that I’ve also been tuning into the latest people-watching debacle on the network, My Five Wives.  This doesn’t mean that I support polygamy or anything in the least bit, but I do find it interesting to watch the fabricated lives of supposed real-life polygamists.

Personally, polygamy isn’t for me, because I find some of the backstory to Fundamentalist Mormonism somewhat disagreeable, with hints of greed and narcissism between the lines, loosely entwined with religion to make it taboo to argue against.  Either way, it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a show that exploits the lives of a modern polygamist family.

Needless to say, it’s definitely something to watch the trials and tribulations of the Williams clan of 30, living on a massive plot of land out in of course, Utah.  I simply don’t know how or where Brady, the patriarch of the family manages to find the time and energy to satiate 29 other people when it comes to husbandly and fatherly duties, while having his own job and trying to complete school at the same time.  Simply put, he really doesn’t, as there’s always a demand for his person, and there’s a great deal of sacrifices made by the wives and some of his elder children to pick up the slack.

To no surprise, the most compelling part of the show are the wives themselves, whom have to “share” Brady with one another.  The general rule of thumb within their family is that on a daily basis, Brady “lives” with each family on a rotating nightly basis, not including special occasions like anniversaries or birthdays.  Although they repeatedly claim to be okay with such a limiting arrangement, it’s obvious that, whether on their own volition or if they’re being coaxed by television, every single wife would obviously be happier if they had more time with their husband.

It’s an obvious tension that is easily seen, but whether if they are holding back on account of looking civilized on television, or if they really have no spines or respect for themselves, or if it could just be chalked up to being a religious thing, the wives all stand down and simply swallow their angst on a regular basis.

That being said, it’s still crystal clear that there’s a pecking order amongst the wives, that’s at least viewable to those watching on television.  So without further ado, let’s put it down in writing, from most powerful to least powerful (I’d also disclaim that there are spoilers, but I can’t imagine many people aside from me to be such extreme TLC watchers to where it even matters):

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Atlanta and the pursuit of professional soccer

Long story short: Atlanta was awarded a Major League Soccer team.  They will become the 22nd team in Major League Soccer.

This is cool and all, and I’m all for Atlanta having more professional sports teams.  But I can’t help but feel mixed feelings about the whole end game as a whole, and question whether or not they’ll actually succeed.  If the end result is an embarrassing sell and relocate, like the old NHL Atlanta Thrashers, then honestly I’d rather this not come to fruition at all, because although many believe it’s better to try and fail than to not try at all, in this case I think it’s questionable to try, if there’s too much uphill struggle.

Simply put, I do believe there’s a massive uphill challenge of starting a Major League Soccer team in Atlanta.  Sure, Atlanta is a major market in the country and major markets should be represented in as many ways as possible, but this all goes back to the unfortunate circumstance that, Atlanta is a football town, first and foremost, full stop.

If it’s not football, people in Atlanta will have a hard time caring about it.  Doubly, if they’re not actually in the upper echelon of MLS standings, because Atlanta sports fans are horrendously fairweathered and vanish at the drop of a hat if they’re not successful.

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Proximity lols

Long story short: Porsche is preparing to open their new North American headquarters in Atlanta.

However, it’s actually in Hapeville, a sub-city known for high crime and with the reputation of being somewhat “urban,” which is the politically correct code word for “it’s a ghetto.”

I get why they say it’s in Atlanta, and in all fairness, Hapeville falls into that umbrella that would be “Metro Atlanta.”  Technically, I don’t live within Atlanta proper, and my home mailing address does not say Atlanta, but I’m also still a part of the Metro Atlanta region.  After all, whenever I get jury duty every three fucking months, I have to report into the city of Atlanta.  This is obviously a common practice, because Atlanta is a fairly well known city, and for the sake of simplicity, people and businesses slap that nametag association because it’s just easier, than having to explain where places like Chamblee, Forest Park, Union City and Doraville are.

But really, they’re not Atlanta, and neither is Hapeville.  It’s not that Porsche’s utilization of the proximity rule is anything out of the ordinary, it’s the fact that the reality of their location is actually kind of concerning.  If they said “Atlanta,” but really meant a place like Snellville, Peachtree City, Roswell, or like in the case of another famous manufacturer, Lotus, actually in Atlanta, it’s a different story.  The aforementioned places aren’t necessarily perceived as sketchy places, and aren’t always mentioned in the same breath as daily criminal activity or police blotter mentions.

Google “Hapeville” and “crime,” and from heat maps to various graphs and infographics, there’s plenty of data that backs up the notion that Hapeville is statistically an unsafe region.  Yet, in spite of that, an auto manufacturer with the reputation of Porsche decides to declare the place their North American headquarters?  Did the Germans who agreed to this actually learn about Hapeville before making this decision, or were they simply duped into believing that it was all a part of Atlanta proper?

Regardless, it’s good for the general region in that some jobs will be created, and the city of Atlanta will be quick to usurp any stories of success as their own, instead of giving credit to Hapeville.  But if the inevitable happens, and Porsches end up being stolen left and right, and their supposed test track is broken into on a nightly basis due to corrupt employees granting access for under-the-table profit, then expect Hapeville’s name to be put on the chopping block without hesitation, with clear distinction that Hapeville is outside of Atlanta.

I can’t stop watching this

Source: Normally, I’m not that big on the “content” that comes from Deadspin, much less any other Gawker website, but I’ll be the very first to admit that they most certainly caught lightning in a bottle with this gem.  The gif of the Phillies fans from a night ago is one thing, but the folks at Deadspin put together a truly epic video complete with accentuating slow-mo and music that is definitely worth giving them a click and a view to see.

Long story short, Monday’s Braves vs. Phillies game started off as more or less a snoozer, aside from the Braves’ Ervin Santana striking out eleven Phillies players.  But in the 8th inning, someone turned the Game Genie on, and then the Braves and Phillies combined for four home runs, with the score going from 2-1 to 5-1, and then 6-5 after the Phillies got done with their turn at bat.  Needless to say, it appeared to be turning into one of those disheartening losses for the Braves where they let the hapless Phillies off the hook.

Fortunately, because the Phillies are the Phillies, and they’re so good at fucking things up, they well, fucked things up.  So with just three outs to get in the top of the 9th to secure the win, they naturally load the bases, and set things up for the Braves’ Dan Uggla.

Now Dan Uggla is a guy that lots of Braves fans are not fond of, because in spite of the fact that he is Popeye strong, and hits home runs, he also has a much higher propensity of striking out and letting the team down.  He’s also paid an exorbitant amount of money, which nerdy, statistically favoring bean-counting geeks really, really, really hate.

Needless to say, his strikeout problems are known to anyone who follows baseball in the least bit, and in the case of these particular Phillies fans that ESPN decided to highlight, they were pretty much expecting him to maintain status quo, strike out, and put the Braves one step closer to a demoralizing loss.

It was almost like fate being tempted by two negatives, with Dan Uggla’s ineptitude versus Philadelphia’s propensity for failure – which would win (lose) out?

And apparently, the fates decided that Philadelphia being fed defeat is less detrimental to the chaotic stream of life than Dan Uggla coming through in the clutch.  And in the most crushing of ways too; a single would have likely put the Braves up by a run, a double by two, but nope, he had to hit a heart-wrenching grand slam, to completely end the short-lived party atmosphere that the Phillies fans had just started less than ten minutes prior.

Seriously though, gif, video, it’s perfect to watch.  Phillies fans taunting Dan Uggla, but then immediately being put in their place when he goes yard.  I can’t stop watching it.  Isolating every single person, to watch the agony on their face in slow-mo.  The expressions, the mouthed expletives, the jaws dropping, to the hearts sinking.  It’s perfect.

I don’t even care if the Braves don’t beat the Phillies again ever (actually, I probably would).  This video pretty much immortalizes so much that is right about the game, and the things that I still do love about watching baseball.  And aside from that metaphorical shit, I simply just love watching fans of Philadelphia sports teams miserable and being put in their places.

Owned.

Francoeu’wned

Long story short: baseball player Jeff Francoeur is fooled by his teammates into believing that a fellow teammate was deaf.  For an entire month.

Now I doubt any who follows my brog is really aware of this, but when I used to be a writer for Talking Chop, and an active member of the community, I had a 15-second glimpse of internet notoriety when I had made a t-shirt in “honor” of Jeff Francoeur, where I took the generic composition of a player jersey t-shirt (aka “the shirsey”) and replaced “Francoeur” with “Failcoeur.”  I was dumb(er) and immature (then), and let the nerdy, results-driven frustration of an overly passionate baseball fan take the driver’s seat in that period of time which gave birth to the concept and execution of the design, despite the fact that it was coming at someone else’s expense.

Among the nerdy internet baseball community, the shirt really took off.  People who weren’t even Braves fans were emailing me, asking me how they could get one, and of course there were plenty of Braves fans, also exasperated with Francoeur’s below-mediocre performance who were wanting their own shirt as well.  Talking Chop, as well as myself got a little bit of spotlight shown on them from varying other baseball blogs and outlets, and although I was far from the first person to have used the term Failcoeur, I was becoming somewhat notorious for putting out into the public so visually.

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