These things exist??

Impetus: A United flight going from Newark to Denver has to make an emergency stop in Chicago, to remove two unruly passengers from the aircraft.  The two passengers, seated one behind the other, had an altercation that stemmed from the rear passenger applying “Knee Defender” clamps, which prevent the seat ahead from being able to recline, and the front passenger taking objection to being incapable of reclining.  It culminated with front passenger throwing a cup of water in the face of rear passenger, before the flight was forced to land in Chicago to remove both from the aircraft.

Never mind the story about the altercation, the takeaway from this entire story for me is that something like Knee Defenders actually exist.  And I fucking love it.

Obviously, this is because I fly more than your average non-business traveler, and I’ve had more than my fair share of getting the one person on the entire flight who decides that they have to recline their seat.  Seriously, there will be times where I get an entire row to myself, so I decide to spread out a little bit, and the person in front of me has the exact same idea, but has to make sure that they’re in the seat in front of me.  As soon as the ding indicating that we’ve reached cruising altitude is heard, the seat plops back crudely, and if my leg is crossed, or the tray is down, it’s an unpleasant sensation of having something appear to fall into your lap.

Knee Defenders are a thing of beauty.  They’re like handcuffs for the people in front of you.  You want to recline?  Too bad, bitch.  It’s only three inches, and it can’t possibly make you any more comfortably, at least not to the magnitude it’s making me claustrophobically uncomfortable.  So I’m taking the right away from you.  And there’s nothing you can do about it but bitch about it, or tattle to a flight attendant, and hope they fare better in getting me to remove them.

Subsequently, it’s no surprised that some airlines have disallowed the use of Knee Defenders, but I think people riding on airlines that don’t prohibit them, have every right in the world to use them if they wanted to.  Obviously, given the circumstances in which I frequently fly, Knee Defenders are not something that I’d have with me on most of my flights.

However if I were ever to get on a flight with a different provider, that didn’t prohibit Knee Defenders, I’d totally have them.  And I wouldn’t be as obvious with it either; I’d give the inevitable fat recliner in front of me, perhaps an inch, but not the full reclining capabilities.  Make them think that perhaps it’s the seat, and not a third party force preventing them from getting full reclining.

I’m not really as swole as I like to think I am, but I’m apparently broad shouldered enough to almost always be rubbing elbows and shoulders with everyone if I’m in the middle seat; it would be fantastic to reduce my discomfort in at least one direction.

But god damn, does knowing that Knee Defenders exist really start creating sadistic fantasies of handcuffing inconsiderate passengers from being able to recline their seats and reduce my human claustrophobia just a little bit.

As if there was any doubt

For the past two weeks, teams from across the United States as well as several other countries in the world have been whittling each other down, to see who amongst them were the best of the best.  Throughout the journey, there have been tears shed, hearts broken, nationalistic pride abounds, and agendas emerged and dissipated upon the wins and losses of the varying teams.

And when the dust settled in Williamsport, Pennsylvania there was only one team that endured the journey without once tasting the bitter flavor of defeat: the South Korean team.  The Koreans went a perfect 11-0 en route to the world championship, where they defeated the U.S. champions from Illinois in what was basically yet another rout, in spite of the final score.

The best part is that this it was not in League of Legends.  It was in an actual, physical sport; the best one in the world, no less – baseball.

Sure, it was Little League baseball, but it’s still a worldly sanctioned tournament, and they defeated Japan in the process; twice, en route to becoming the true champions of the world in 13-and-under Little League baseball.

And I’m okay with that.  I’ll take Korean wins wherever I can get them.

Man, What A Stupid Commercial #015

Synopsis: attractive wife in her little black dress tells husband to hurry up, before walking off.  Husband’s finishing touches include application of Brüt cologne.  Upon application, a shriek is heard from the adjacent bedroom, and wife re-enters the bathroom and is suddenly pregnant.  Camera pans to Daschund dog, also pregnant, and then a pregnant goldfish in its fish bowl.  Tagline read: LET YOUR MAN OUT.

I know the underlying message is that Brüt makes the wearer SO manly, that surrounding females of all species have no choice but to have their wombs aggressively and magically inseminated and suddenly end up in their third trimester.

But you know what’s not funny?  Unwanted offspring.

Read more »

Oh, Georgia #96

Long story short: Woman can’t parallel park near courthouse, asks complete stranger to parallel park for her.  Is surprised when complete stranger drives off in her car.  Woman’s sister was still in car when thief takes off.  Startles thief, who not only walks away scot-free, but also steals both the woman and her sister’s purses.  Bonus: woman’s car gets ticketed after being abandoned by thief.

You know what’s the most ironic thing about this whole thing?  The carjacker is probably the one party in this whole scenario that comes out looking the cleanest.  I mean sure, he’s still criminal scum and shouldn’t be on the streets, but he was pretty much gifted a free car.  Was he supposed to not slam down the alley-oop when lobbed one?

If you leave the door to your house open and tell the guy in a ski mask out front to not rob you, what do you think is going to happen?

I know we’re all supposed to feel bad for the “victim” in this story, but I just can’t.  Everything that happened to her was her own fault, from whatever she did to have to go to the courthouse in the first place, to being too cheap to park in a pay lot, putting her in the situation of where she somehow thought it was okay to hand her keys off to some stranger to “paralyze park” for her.  In front of the courthouse.  Where criminals go every day, because Atlanta has a lot of criminals that have to go to court.

Seriously, there are lots jokes pertaining to women drivers, Asian drivers as well as Asian women drivers that are about as easy to make as it was for someone to steal this woman’s car, but I don’t think they really need to be said.

The woman shouldn’t have tried to parallel park, much less hand her keys off to a complete stranger.

ParkAtlanta probably shouldn’t have ticketed the woman’s car after the whole debacle ended with an almost inadvertent abduction and essentially grand theft auto.

The only who really did what they should have done, was the carjacker.  You invite a carjacker to jack your car, what do you think he’s going to do?

When adults and media ruin the game

Originally, I wanted Mo’ne Davis to lose, because the hipster in me always wants to see anyone hyped up beyond the stars be brought back down to earth, and to remind everyone doing the hyping that nobody is bigger than the game.

Mo’ne Davis did lose, and the Taney Dragons are one more loss away from elimination from the Little League World Series.

But in the aftermath of the loss, I realized that I wasn’t happy that the hype machine was knocked off its tracks.  Mo’ne Davis, in the span of the last week, had been turned into this symbol of hope and expectations for not just the female gender, but also the entire African-American race, and I’m happy that the symbol of hope and expectations was knocked down a peg by her defeat.

This isn’t to say that I’m being sexist and racist, and glad that a black girl got beat in the game of baseball, but it’s more to say that I’m glad that every adult and media outlet that turned a 13-year old girl into something completely other than a 13-year old girl, had their totem of hyperbole and bullshit symbolism chopped down a notch by losing.

Mo’ne Davis is just a 13-year old girl who happens to be very good at baseball, and I think it’s completely unfair and unnecessary that adults and the media heap all sorts of unnecessary titles and pressure onto the shoulders of a kid.  Sure, she’s a she, and she also happens to be black, but on a team, neither of those are supposed to matter, as long as the team as a singular unit can win or lose, together.

Adults and the media are trying their hardest to do exactly what teams don’t want an individual to do, which is put themselves, or be put, above the rest of players the team.  Mo’ne Davis might have been throwing shutouts in the games prior to her loss to the Nevada team, but if not for her less-heralded teammates, they Taney Dragons wouldn’t have the runs necessary to turn those games into victories.  And lo and behold, not all of Mo’ne Davis’ teammates are girls and/or black.

Needless to say, it disgusts me that adults and the media are tarnishing the game of baseball at almost its purest level, to schill an agenda of inequality in gender and race.

I definitely feel bad for Mo’ne Davis, because she’s an outstanding player, and even in defeat, has conducted herself in a manner in which if I were a parent, I’d feel so swollen with pride with.  But in the grand spectrum of things, I think it’s best that she lost, so that people can be reminded that it’s still, just a game.

I say everything without being definitive, because at the time I’m writing this the Taney Dragons are not out of it yet, and have a chance to still win it all, as long as they can pull together two consecutive wins, with Mo’ne Davis eligible to pitch again if they make it to a second game.  And if that happens, god only knows what circlejerk shitstorm of symbolic hyperbole the media will come up with next to anoint Mo’ne Davis with.

Although it’s not going to happen, if Mo’ne Davis were to get the opportunity to pitch in a championship game, I would really appreciate if the floodgates would hold for until after the game has concluded, to flood the world with all sorts of misdirected gender and racial rhetoric, so that maybe, just maybe, the 13-year old with the elbows-and-knees delivery and wicked curveball can focus on the game, and give the Taney Dragons the best chance to win.

It’s just baseball.  Let the kids play baseball.  Save the bullshit for after the game’s over.