{"id":35338,"date":"2013-02-26T23:55:17","date_gmt":"2013-02-27T03:55:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/totfc.net\/?p=35338"},"modified":"2020-07-04T23:55:29","modified_gmt":"2020-07-05T03:55:29","slug":"a-little-bit-of-reality-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/totfc.net\/?p=35338","title":{"rendered":"A little bit of reality"},"content":{"rendered":"

In spite of the fact that I have a tendency to try to not entirely get\u00a0too<\/em>\u00a0personal with what I write on my brog, there comes times in which frankly I don\u2019t feel like there\u2019s anyone I can really talk to and actually feel like I\u2019m getting any modicum of empathy or support.\u00a0 And I can\u2019t really say that people are obligated to provide such, since we all have our own problems in our lives, and some most certainly more severe than others, especially compared to someone else\u2019s problems. \u00a0I think we live in a pretty screwed up times right now, everyone is a little bit more jaded, everyone is a little bit more hardened, and it\u2019s hard to be sympathetic towards others when the world around just ourselves isn\u2019t entirely the best it could possibly be.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s times like this in which, where sometimes it really feels like all I can do to not feel so bottled up is to just write it out, throw it up on the brog, and leave it to random chance to who reads it or not, and whether or not they want to do their best impression of an ear to speak into, despite the fact that I\u2019ll likely be writing out everything I\u2019d be saying anyway.\u00a0 Nobody wants accountability anyway, so there\u2019s no obligation, and I don\u2019t track who reads what I write, let alone sees or acknowledges that I write, because I\u2019m long beyond the days of obsessively tracking hits and analytics, since I always felt that such research took something away from the exercise of simply writing.<\/span><\/p>\n

For the past two years and change, my parents have been having some marital issues.\u00a0 I\u2019m old enough to understand the situation, and not fall into the clich\u00e9d fallacy of believing that it\u2019s by any fault of my own or my sister\u2019s, but it still doesn\u2019t really make it any easier to know that the relationship between my own mother and father is deteriorating, and despite their bullshit claims, is not getting better.\u00a0 At this point, for the sake of their sanity, as well as for my sister and I\u2019s as well, divorce looks to be\u00a0the best<\/em>\u00a0possible option, and it\u2019s got to be pretty bad when divorce is seen as a positive option.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

But that\u2019s not really what\u2019s eating at me so fiercely lately.\u00a0 As I said, this fucking song and dance has been going on for a while now, and I\u2019m long beyond the point of exasperation with it.\u00a0 By now, I honestly wish my parents would just split, separate from each other, and stop being so fucking delusional in thinking that it can work out when it\u2019s been proven on an annual basis, at around this time every year (maybe a little early this year), that it just simply cannot.\u00a0 In this regard, I think I can partially take some blame, as my parents have said that one reason they wanted to try it to tough it out was so that they could\u00a0appear<\/em>\u00a0as a couple for the eventual day if\/when I get married.\u00a0 The fucking Korean obsession with appearances, as if it\u2019s worth sacrificing personal sanity and happiness for it; this I will have a hard time understanding for as\u00a0 long as I live, I bet.<\/span><\/p>\n

But no, the knowing that my parents are heading towards divorce doesn\u2019t bother me at all at this point.\u00a0 I can accept being just another person in America with divorced parents, I\u2019ve seen that it is clearly not the end of the world, and most certainly not a justifiable reason for a lot of people to turn into fucking retards like so often is the case; again, the accountability issue, but that\u2019s a different can of worms.<\/span><\/p>\n

What\u2019s really upsetting me is simply the circumstances amidst all of this fighting.\u00a0 The divide it\u2019s creating within my family, and the realization that I\u2019m eventually heading towards a reality where I won\u2019t really have a home to go visit in Virginia in the future.<\/span><\/p>\n

The latter is naturally smaller and more inconsequential, but it still sucks knowing that in spite of how often I still visit Virginia, I won\u2019t really have a centralized home to visit anymore.\u00a0 It will be\u00a0either<\/em>\u00a0staying with my mom or staying with my dad, and if it\u2019s anything like when I used to visit my dad when he was working out of town in Chattanooga, then it\u2019s honestly, going to royally suck.\u00a0 I think I\u2019d honestly be better off in seeing if any of my friends up there would be willing to let me crash at their places, but then I\u2019d probably be more reluctant in seeing my parents if I\u2019m already with my friends.<\/span><\/p>\n

And if that becomes the case, then Virginia becomes no different than North Carolina, Richmond, Philadelphia or any other city where I visit for short periods of time to visit friends and\/or watch baseball.\u00a0 I\u2019ll cease to actually have a home away from home, and that makes me sad.\u00a0 Is it selfish to make a mountain of a molehill for my own purposes?\u00a0 Yeah, a little bit, but it\u2019s truth.<\/span><\/p>\n

But the fighting part is what\u2019s eating at me the most right now.\u00a0 And I can\u2019t really do anything about it, which doesn\u2019t help, but then again, nobody really can.\u00a0 Both my parents are at bitter odds again, and in spite of all the near-misses in prior years, there can only be so many strikes before the out occurs, and this time looks like it\u2019s the worst yet.<\/span><\/p>\n

Long story short, my dad\u2019s trust issues and paranoia is the root of if all, and pretty much everyone is way beyond exasperated by it.\u00a0 My mom\u2019s pissed, my sister\u2019s pissed, and that happens, then my aunts on my mom\u2019s side and all their respective families end up naturally siding with my mom, and ganging up on my dad.<\/span><\/p>\n

More specifically, what\u2019s saddening me lately is the idea that my dad is pretty much alone in this fight.\u00a0 It\u2019s partially his own fault for having such trust issues, and not having any genuinely close friends to just fucking speak with.\u00a0 It\u2019s definitely his own fault for not reaching out to his own family, his brother, to seek some support; it\u2019s the fucking present time, there\u2019s no excuse, no monetary penalty for making long-distance calls to seeking out unconditional support.\u00a0 But somehow this duty of being my dad\u2019s outlet falls onto me, where there\u2019s both a language barrier as well as an actual conflict of interest because I\u2019m directly in the middle of both my dad and my mom.\u00a0 As much as I\u2019d want to support my dad unconditionally, I feel that I\u2019m in a position where I can\u2019t, as long as my own mom is the conflicting side.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m a bit torn lately.\u00a0 I know the facts, and I have my own opinions of the current matters, but at the same time, I hate how my dad\u2019s pretty much alone in this right now.\u00a0 He\u2019s got both my mom and my sister calling him crazy, and my overbearing aunts also doing the same thing.\u00a0 Frankly, I think he\u2019s being crazy too, but the last thing he really needs is me to join in as well.\u00a0 I guess this is where I\u2019m trying to show a little bit of unconditional support, but it\u2019s not easy.<\/span><\/p>\n

But that\u2019s another thing that\u2019s niggling at me lately too, the idea that my dad might be a little unhinged in the head.\u00a0 Because as far as people try to deny it, a lot of characteristics don\u2019t always fall too far from the tree, which means that I could be subject to the same behaviors too, which frankly concerns the shit out of me.\u00a0 Yes that sounds a little selfish worrying about me in this regard, but honestly I don\u2019t want to end up like my dad, like this right now.<\/span><\/p>\n

I can\u2019t help but wonder if it\u2019s legitimate mental problems, or if it\u2019s just the culmination of a lifetime of being introverted boiling over.\u00a0 A lot of people, including myself have so-called trust issues; but how many people claim to have them simply because they\u2019ve been burned by other people on numerous occasions, and how many people have them for absolutely zero reason?\u00a0 Honestly my dad hasn\u2019t really told me about his life enough for me to really decide if it\u2019s one or the other.\u00a0 I know I can trust people, because I trust people on a fairly regular basis, and most of the time I say I have trust-issues is because I\u2019m trying to send a veiled message about someone else\u2019s reliability.<\/span><\/p>\n

As futile of a belief it might be at this point in time, I\u2019d like to hope that such paranoia and trust issues are mostly from a lifetime of simply not having any genuine friends or anyone to really talk to.\u00a0 Isolation is a brutal thing, especially over so much time, and in my dad\u2019s circumstances, it\u2019s really no one\u2019s fault but his own, and really the only one who could fix it is himself, but I just can\u2019t imagine that\u2019s really going to happen anymore.\u00a0 Which makes me upset.<\/span><\/p>\n

Anyway, this was a lot longer than I thought it would be, but apparently the words seemed to flow out like water when I started writing this.\u00a0 But for all intents and purposes, this is what is going on in my life currently, and it is unfortunately not good at all.\u00a0 It is bothering me a great deal, and I am trying my best to manage my emotions and presentation to where it doesn\u2019t interfere with my personal and professional lives too much.<\/span><\/p>\n

I am not asking for a shoulder to lean on or an ear to borrow.<\/span><\/p>\n

I simply cannot keep this bottled up inside.<\/span><\/p>\n

My family is breaking, and it cannot be repaired.<\/span><\/p>\n

So hopefully, it will be back to the regularly not-schedule of tasteless racist jokes, nerdy shit, and social commentary.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In spite of the fact that I have a tendency to try to not entirely get\u00a0too\u00a0personal with what I write on my brog, there comes times in which frankly I don\u2019t feel like there\u2019s anyone I can really talk to and actually feel like I\u2019m getting any modicum of empathy or support.\u00a0 And I can\u2019t … Continue reading A little bit of reality<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[36,71,15,91,27],"class_list":["post-35338","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-brog","tag-angst","tag-famiry","tag-og","tag-pf","tag-virginia"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35338","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=35338"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35338\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":35339,"href":"http:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35338\/revisions\/35339"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=35338"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=35338"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=35338"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}