In life, there are all sorts of people. White people, black people, short people, tall people, people who have long hair, people who are meticulous, people who are reckless, people who are missing limbs. But I'm going to take a few steps back to narrow the types down to the three that I'm going to examine. There's a good likelyhood that if you're reading this, you'll fall into one of these three categories; they're pretty broad. But now the question is, what category to you fall into? Or better yet, what are the categories?

The categories are the Chipmunks. You are either Alvin, or Simon, or Theodore. Unless you're a girl, and then you're either Brittany, or Jeanette, or Eleanor. It doesn't matter if you're male or female, because the only difference between the Chipmunks and Chipettes was gender, as the characteristics between respective pairs were idealistically similar, perhaps with the exception of some minor tweaks that can usually be attributed towards their sex.

So enough chatter, let's characterize the Chipmunks, and by the end of this, hopefully you'll be able to see which one you can relate to the most!

Alvin - Confident, charismatic, aggressive, proactive and perhaps a little reckless. There's a reason why the show's named "Alvin & The Chipmunks" as opposed to "Simon/Theodore & The Chipmunks." Because Alvin is the shit. He's the frontman, he's the leader. He's most likely the most talented of the male trio. Always thinking of plans to succeed, whether it is in fame, finances or romance, Alvin is always looking to get somewhere, bigtime. Granted most of his plots lack the foresight to see any of the negatives that occur within each episode of A&tC, but at least Alvin is displaying some initiative. He may not be the smartest, but he's got the right idea. Take care of number one.

In the business world, Alvin is the boss. No doubt about that. He already displays the qualities it takes to be the head of a wealthy company. He's not that smart, probably incapable of doing the tasks of the company he runs, he's good at bossing others around, he's not afraid to take some under-handed measures to achieve his goals (example: Alvin bribes Theodore with food to do his work), and he's definitely not going to let family ties interfere with business(example: same as last). He will make all the money while doing a fraction of the work, and all his underlings will hate him. Alvin won't care, because as his employee, YOUR nuts are in HIS hands. Let's face it, Alvin had a GROWN HUMAN ADULT WHITE MALE, Dave, in his palms like silly putty.

When it comes to romance, again Alvin excels. Forget about skin colors and races, Alvin overcomes the factor of species to score with the chicks. So he's a rodent, and she's a human? Who cares! Remember that episode where Alvin feuded with some human kid over the affections of a girl, and it turned into a contest of one-upsmanship? Sure, Alvin didn't get the girl in the end, but neither did his rival - an unprecedented third party ended up getting the girl, resulting in a NO-CONTEST due to outside interference. Besides, Alvin probably realized that she was a dirty ho-bag who just wanted to latch onto his fame.

Alvin is the kind of guy who will use his charisma and quick tongue to get far in life, undoubtedely. He's the jock in high school with lots of friends and popularity that others envy in the closet and secretly hate. I highly doubt that many people would honestly be able to declare themselves as an Alvin.

Brittany - Primadonna, vain, self-indulgent, drama queen, a little greedy. Brittany is the undeclared leader of the Chipettes. Though overshadowed by the "original" Chipmunks, Brittany never lets that stop her, in her attempts to advance in her life. Like Alvin, she's a mover AND a shaker, and does not think twice towards anything that could make her life better. Brittany is spoiled, no doubt about that. But she's used to getting her way, and knows what it feels like. This can help her in the future, because she'll always want the sensation of getting what she wants, and will likely do whatever it takes to achieve it. Even if it means bending the rules a little bit. Like when Brittany came to the "Black & White Ball" wearing a red gown, with the hopes that she'd stand out more to the resident director for his movie.

In the business world, Brittany is the type to be like the CEO of her own magazine or something of a high position. Like Alvin, she's got the make up to be on top, not working for anyone else. Show biz is her ultimate goal, and with her ambition, the sky's the limit.

When it comes to romance, Brittany is the one who wears the pants. But she probably won't be the one with the pockets, as stated above, she's pretty spoiled, and would require her suitor to have a big fat wallet, and a nice, large credit limit. Like Alvin, race is a null factor, because she's not even concerned about the species issue. She's confident and charismatic, and that drives the furries nuts.

Simon - Intelligent, book smart, nerdy & geeky, righteous, logical, rational, law abiding. Simon is the brains of the three brothers. Incedentally, he's also the opposing voice to all of Alvin's schemes and plans. Always hesitant to take risks or do anything that would be the least bit delinquint, Simon is the type to "play it safe" his entire life.

In the business world, Simon will never be the boss. He will always have something (like an Alvin) above him, and he will quietly be the brains and backbone of whatever operations he works for. Think the Riddler, or Edward Nigma before he became the Riddler, from Batman; a genius who was always overlooked by his superior. But Simon is too afraid to break any rules to attempt to make any impact, so he will live his existence as a second-rate worker who is better at making money for others rather than himself.

On the romance front, his lack of confidence and nerdiness is probably a big turn off to the ladies. Oh yeah, that and the fact that he's A FUCKING RODENT does not help his cause either. Y'see, Alvin's got the confidence and charisma to help the ladies not see the inter-species thing as freaky, but instead FRRREAKY, if y'know what I'm sayin'. Simon does not have that going for him. He'll probably be duped by some underaged girl who pretends to like him, but just wants to use his brains to help her do all her homework quickly.

Jeanette - Nerdy, timid, clumsy, gawky, awkward. It's interesting, because there are a lot of Jeanette's qualities that are like Simon, but there is also a good amount that is a lot like Theodore. When it comes to what's upstairs, the lights shine bright, as Jeanette is quite the academic scholar. Book smarts and knowledge are bountiful when it comes to Jeanette, but when it comes to everything else, she's as useless as Theodore. Poorly dressed, and unkept, Jeanette looks as awkward as she probably is.

Professionally, Jeanette is a lot like Simon AND Theodore. Like Simon, she probably will be in charge of some major projects and assignments, but like Theodore, she is probably neglected and completely overlooked for the human girl with big tits and the thong showing when she bends over. Resentful and frustrated, Jeanette does nothing about it but complain in her online blog, and loses sleep over conflicts that she's too scared to confront.

Romance - don't count on it. If she performs as poorly as she dresses in bed, expect the man to be the aggressor. But now that I think about it, the way I'm describing Jeanette, it sounds a lot like Selina Kyle eventually transmogrified into Catwoman in Batman Returns... hmm, maybe an attempted murder on Jeanette would lead to her femininity exploding, creating a sexy, leather-clad..oh gross. Never mind.

Theodore - quiet, timid, easily-intimidated, easily-influenced, mundane, mediocre. If Theodore were a human, then he'd be like the majority of the world. The fact that he's a Chipmunk is the only thing he's got going for himself, but apparently, he hasn't learned how to use that to his advantage. Whereas Alvin and Simon got the charisma and intelligence, Theodore got jack. That may be a little exaggerated, but one thing he got zero of would be metabolism. Alvin's popular, Simon's smart, so that leaves little Theodore as the fat one. He's not particularily smart, no smarter than Alvin, and he has no backbone. Easily bullied and manipulated, he resorts to the indulgence of junk food to alleviate the shame of his lousy existence. There's a reason why in the opening montage song, the lyrics go "Al-vin, Si-mon.........what's his face, that fat fuck.. OH YEAH! Thee-ah-door!"

In the business world, Theodore does the mundane jobs like data entry, clerk or graphic design. With minimal skills, he doesn't make enough for him to be happy. He's got several superiors, and ranks extremely low on the hierarchy of the company. He's used to being bossed around, and is easily taken advantage of. The Alvins of the world would prey on the Theodores by feigning interest in them, but really bribing them to do their bidding. Come on, Theodore would've sexually assaulted all three Chipettes if Alvin offered him his dessert.

Which brings us to the romance department, where sexual assault or prostitution is the only way Theodore would ever have a chance in hell of getting any. No chicks would want to be with him, but they'd all want him to be "just friends." Because Theodore's probably insanely sensitive to match his self-esteem issues because he's tubby. He's likely to masturbate a lot, and is without a doubt into furries. A perennial furry-convention-goer.

Eleanor - Chubby, motherly, domestic, responsible. In comparison to Theodore, the only thing they have in common is probably the pooch around the abdominal area. Personality-wise, Eleanor is probably more like Simon rather than Theodore. She acts as Brittany's deterrent when she plots hair-brained schemes. She's also a lot smarter than Theodore, and with her and Jeanette combined with Brittany, it's hard pressed to say that the Chipettes are probably collectively smarter than the Chipmunks.

In the professional world, Eleanor is just that - professional. She's bound to be good at whatever she does, and is very comfortable with her job security. However, Eleanor will be working for someone else, not herself. No matter how much she makes, she'll be making someone else a whole lot more with her contributions. But it's all good, she'll be making a good living, and likely to be a professional, responsible working woman...chipmunk.

Out of the three Chipettes, Eleanor is probably the most achievable. She's probably also the most compatible with your everyday person. Not spoiled, pretty good in the head, she's a good cook (duh, chubby) and probably a hidden freak in the sack, Eleanor is the one to go for. A little bit of pooch never hurt anyone.

So, how did you do? Are like Alvin or Brittany? Really? Don't you lie to me, you lousy sack of-- I mean, or are you more like Simon or Eleanor? Eh, who am I kidding-- the majority of this world is most like Theodore and Jeanette. So do something about it, and become the Alvins and Brittanys of the world.

Life is Chipmunks was written by Danny Hong, on July 22nd, 2004, while I was bored out of my mind at my shit-job. Life is Chipmunks is also a part of totfc.net.

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