{"id":37893,"date":"2013-11-01T23:28:40","date_gmt":"2013-11-02T03:28:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/totfc.net\/?p=37893"},"modified":"2020-07-08T23:30:26","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T03:30:26","slug":"the-worst-guy-at-the-gym","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/?p=37893","title":{"rendered":"The worst guy at the gym"},"content":{"rendered":"

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For those of you who are unfortunate enough to be \u201cfriends\u201d with me on Facebook, you\u2019re already probably well aware that I pretty much post nothing on it except for sporadic attempts to be funny by exploiting the types of silly people that populate my gym, also known as The Gym Bro Chronicles.<\/span><\/p>\n

The adventures of GBC has seen a wide variety of actual people that actually do the things I\u2019m describing on a regular basis at my gym.\u00a0 Whether it\u2019s guys that use two elliptical machines at the same time, all the douchebags that drop their weights, use their Beats headphones as auxiliary speakers, grunt, scream, sing, and every conceivable negative stereotype associated with meat-head gym bros, I\u2019ve pretty much seen them all at my gym that I\u2019ve been going to every single work day for the last three years now.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Although, there have been some truly classic cases of GBCs, like the guy that brought his MacBook to the gym with him, so he could watch and pause, watch and pause and watch and pause each and every exercise of a P90X routine, completely missing the point of the whole follow-the-screen idea, and the guy who deliberately tries to emasculate new members by doing over the top upside-down windshield wipers on the pull up bar while working in, there\u2019s always been the need for there to be a leader, a head-honcho of the entire culture, as far as my gym is concerned.<\/span><\/p>\n

One day, I declared the\u00a0King of GBC<\/strong>, when I went into the locker room after my workout, and in my peripheral vision, I saw a flash pop.\u00a0 When I turned around, I saw a muscular black guy daintily hustle to a camera he had placed on a shelf with a timer, and daintily hustled back to the point of focus, where he proceeded to tense up and flex; and moments before the 10 seconds were up, he dropped his shorts, standing in his boxer briefs as the flash went off again.\u00a0 I anointed him as\u00a0Naked Selfies<\/strong>, and the\u00a0King of<\/strong>\u00a0GBC<\/strong>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Now Naked Selfies isn\u2019t the first guy I\u2019ve seen taking selfies in the locker room.\u00a0 But the thing is, everyone prior to Naked Selfies was taking selfies in the well, selfies manner; holding phone in the mirror, stern face\/duck face, other arm holding up their shirt, revealing their six-pack abs, flexing everything conceivable, typically done when they think nobody\u2019s watching.<\/span><\/p>\n

But Naked Selfies changed the game, because he brought a camera separate from his phone, set up the timer, and aimed it at not just himself, but all the other dudes in the locker room at the same time, who were just minding their own business and trying to change and\/or freshen up, in varying states of undress.\u00a0 Naked Selfies didn\u2019t give a flying fuck about the modesty of anyone but himself, and attempted to have his own little private photoshoot with absolutely no regard for the comfort of other men.\u00a0 And there are guys that really do get butt-ass naked and wander around with their junk flopping all over the place, and we\u2019re all sure the last thing they want is their privates getting photographed.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ultimately, Naked Selfies was shut down by the manager of the gym, whom had obviously been made aware of the illicit photoshoot going on in the locker room.\u00a0 And I haven\u2019t seen Naked Selfies since.<\/span><\/p>\n

However, despite the fact that I anointed Naked Selfies as the King of GBC, I had to give it some thought after a recent workout.\u00a0 Naked Selfies was obviously the most outrageous, flash as bright as a nuclear explosion in the pan act of gym bro douchebaggery that I\u2019d ever seen, but the fact of the matter is that it only happened once.\u00a0 One grandiose event can technically warrant anointment as a king, but truthfully, lots of things can only happen once.\u00a0 A Civic can beat a Ferrari, the U.S. hockey team can beat the Soviets, and a black man\u00a0can<\/em>\u00a0be the president.<\/span><\/p>\n

No, the more I thought about it, the more I felt that a King of GBC needed to be someone who was consistent, steady, and\u00a0always<\/em>\u00a0a douchebag.\u00a0 Not a spring breaker trying to get swole for beach season, or a New Year\u2019s resolutioner who vanishes after a month.\u00a0 Or Naked Selfies, who wanted one nice batch of him looking ripped for his Facebook profile and future sexts.<\/span><\/p>\n

The real King was always present, but never crowned.<\/span><\/p>\n

Until now.<\/span><\/p>\n

I chronologized this guy long ago in the GBC.\u00a0 I described a day at the gym, where I saw a man who was the typical middle-aged workout nut who was ripped and shredded, and clearly had a firm understanding of physical fitness and sustenance.\u00a0 And I saw a man who was the unofficial coach of the gym, giving training tips to everyone he could, whether they wanted it or not.\u00a0 And then there was the man who wore douchey apparel, like shorts to tight and short, it would make Larry Bird and John Stockton make gay jokes about him, and the backward baseball cap with his political leanings (GTFObama).<\/span><\/p>\n

The obvious swerve was that all three were the same guy.\u00a0 For all intents and purposes, I will refer to him as simply\u00a0Coach<\/strong>, since that was the vast majority of what he liked to do at the gym in between his own working out tendencies.<\/span><\/p>\n

But really, Coach does all of the above, and most all of the obnoxious stereotypes that gym bros are synonymous with:<\/span><\/p>\n