![\"\"](\"http:\/\/totfc.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/doooooom.png\")
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I just want to start off by saying that me talking about death and dying is by no means any indication that I\u2019m in an extreme state of depression or contemplating killing myself or anything horrific like that.\u00a0 It\u2019s just been something that\u2019s been on my mind a lot lately, and to me, it\u2019d be a waste to not at least address it in writing, and try and work the thoughts out and try and interpret some meaning from them.<\/span><\/p>\n Anyway, not to get too far into the drama between my separating parents, but there is a particular outstanding conflict that doesn\u2019t seem to be going anywhere, and is causing a lot of angst within my immediate family.\u00a0 It all narrows down to my dad\u2019s paranoia and conspiracy theories, but a new revelation learned over my last visit was the belief that he wasn\u2019t going to live that long.\u00a0 He\u2019s by no means elderly, but according to my dad, he seems to believe that he\u2019s not going to live to the age in which his parents passed.\u00a0 Be it cancer or some other terminal illness, he doesn\u2019t think he\u2019s going to live to 80 much less 90, citing such substantial evidence as \u201cI can feel it\u201d and uses that as justification to hang onto the residence that\u2019s really more than what one solitary person really needs.<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n But we\u2019re not here to talk about my dad.\u00a0 In spite of the macabre beliefs that he\u2019s not long for this world, I will admit that it got me thinking about death a little bit more than most people want to admit to be doing sometimes.\u00a0 Specifically, my own, and in the hypothetical case of if I were dying and had a fairly definitive clock remaining on my lifespan.\u00a0 Most of these hypothetical scenarios involve me being diagnosed with some terminal illness or a form of cancer, with the foregone conclusion that I was probably not going to live until the age of 40.<\/span><\/p>\n In my head, I\u2019ve been thinking about what I\u2019d tell people, how I\u2019d tell people, or if I\u2019d tell people that I were dying.\u00a0 More likely than not, I would probably make it pretty known to those who know me that I\u2019m dying, because admittedly, the drama queen in me that occasionally does like a spotlight certainly would like for people to know, because in all fairness, it\u2019s probably best if people knew that I was deteriorating, as opposed to being blindsided by a day in which I suddenly don\u2019t wake up in the morning.\u00a0 However, I\u2019ll admit that as curious as I\u2019d be to see what happens, namely who comes out of the woodwork upon discovering about my dying, and who doesn\u2019t.\u00a0 Sometimes people step up, sometimes people shy away, because they don\u2019t want to be around death.\u00a0 There\u2019s a part of me that is really curious to see who falls into which category, but then there\u2019s a part of me that fears that too many people will use my dying as reason to dramatically change their behavior around me, which I\u2019d really be uncomfortable about.<\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019ve been rehearsing the kinds of things I\u2019d say if I had to announce my impending demise, basically along the lines of that I don\u2019t want pity, I don\u2019t want coddling, and that I don\u2019t really want people to treat me any differently than they would just because there\u2019s a clock over my head ticking down a lot quicker than someone without disease.\u00a0 I just want people to know that I\u2019m dying, and that I would like to believe that I\u2019m not going to waste my suddenly limited lifespan, and that I\u2019m going to put as much effort into doing good and quality things, and that if I can help it, not change too much on account of my deteriorating mortality.<\/span><\/p>\n Here\u2019s the scary thing about all this morbid thinking about death: more often than not, the notion of suddenly being told that my remaining lifespan is short, I don\u2019t think it\u2019s really as terrible as I should probably be thinking it is.\u00a0 Something about it puts life into sudden perspective, and with limited time, that it\u2019s truly now or never, to simply get off my ass and to do some living.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want to call being condemned a blessing in disguise, but I\u2019ll be the first to admit that even in my impending demise, I have to believe there\u2019s a silver lining in such a notion as well.<\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019m not saying I\u2019m going to go all Queen Latifah like in that movie where she thought she was dying so she blew all her money and tried to be a baller before fucking everyone over, but I definitely would like to think that I\u2019d be moderately more constructive with my time if I knew that it was limited in a life and death capacity.\u00a0 Like, I\u2019d get off my ass and go make the long-desired trip to Astoria and walk on the Goondocks and the beach where\u00a0The Goonies<\/em>\u00a0was filmed, and I wouldn\u2019t be so lackadaisical about the few remaining ballparks I have left in my ongoing quest to visit all 30 MLB ballparks.<\/span><\/p>\n The bottom line is that I\u2019d want to do everything in my power to live out my remaining time as happy as possible.\u00a0 I\u2019m by no means saying that doing such is impossible for those who aren\u2019t terminally ill, and have intentions of living out a normal life expectancy, but during all this thinking, it just seems like life is put into a clich\u00e9d perspective and encapsulated in a smaller time frame, leading to a lot more freedom to pursue things compared to those who don\u2019t know when the end is.<\/span><\/p>\n As fucked up as it sounds, thinking about a lot of things like this admittedly makes me feel a little watery-eyed, but it\u2019s often with a feeling of happy, because I like to imagine that my world would be a little bit more tightly knit if I knew that I was going to die, because good people around me would step forward to try and send me off as awesome as they could.<\/span><\/p>\n Don\u2019t get me wrong, I\u2019d like to live a normal life expectancy as much as the next person, but I think I have to admit, that as long as life isn\u2019t taken from me by like a murderous act of spontaneity or tragic accident, I can\u2019t say that I\u2019m really afraid of dying.\u00a0 If I know it\u2019s coming, and I\u2019m able to tie up loose ends, say my peace, and accomplish a modest bucket list along the way, I don\u2019t think that an early exit would be that much of a bad thing.<\/span><\/p>\n I swear none of this means that I\u2019m going to plan on killing myself or anything, because where would the fun in that be?\u00a0 I\u2019d have to keep it all secret and shit, so that nobody could intervention me and prevent it, and there would be no capability of being able to knock things off a bucket list and people would likely hate me more for it than if I died from an illness.<\/span><\/p>\n This is all crudely written and doesn\u2019t come close to the thoughts and emotions that run through my head upon dealing with this topic, but I think some of the more core bullet points I had in my mind are sufficiently documented.\u00a0 It\u2019s probably because I\u2019m not actually dying that things aren\u2019t so crystal clear, but hey, that\u2019s a good thing too.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I just want to start off by saying that me talking about death and dying is by no means any indication that I\u2019m in an extreme state of depression or contemplating killing myself or anything horrific like that.\u00a0 It\u2019s just been something that\u2019s been on my mind a lot lately, and to me, it\u2019d be … Continue reading Let\u2019s talk about dying<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[137,83,15],"class_list":["post-38339","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-brog","tag-death","tag-observations","tag-og"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38339","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=38339"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38339\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":38341,"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38339\/revisions\/38341"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=38339"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=38339"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=38339"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}