{"id":48000,"date":"2021-07-01T09:27:04","date_gmt":"2021-07-01T14:27:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/totfc.net\/?p=48000"},"modified":"2021-07-02T10:09:28","modified_gmt":"2021-07-02T15:09:28","slug":"what-if-tim-tebow-the-professional-wrestler","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/?p=48000","title":{"rendered":"What if\u2026 Tim Tebow, the professional wrestler?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/span><\/p>\n

The other day, my bros and I were bullshitting about professional wrestling as is often times the norm, and the thought crossed my mind that AEW is low-key owned by the Jacksonville Jaguars, since owner Tony Khan is the son of the Shahid Khan that owns the Jags.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Recently, I saw some blurb about how despite having signed with the Jaguars, the attempting-to-return-to-football Tim Tebow is no guarantee to make the team, even though he\u2019s still built like a tank and trying to come back as a tight end and not a quarterback, and then the wheels got turning in my brain to do so fantasy booking in the event that Tebow flames out of football again, but instead of trying to pursue professional baseball, chooses professional wrestling instead.\u00a0 Especially since there\u2019s already a convenient transition from the Jags to AEW, being under the same family umbrella and all.<\/span><\/p>\n

After about five minutes of bullshit, I realized that this hypothetical bullshit would be better served as brog material and not a passing conversation in private company, because some of these ideas would be fucking gold in an ironic sense if they were to come to fruition, even though there can hardly be fewer things in the world nerdier than fantasy booking professional wrestling.<\/span><\/p>\n

Anyway, Tim Tebow is cut from the Jags, not for anything performance-related so much as is it that the Jags are an NFL team and NFL teams are more afraid than Gabriel is in The Walking Dead<\/em> of anything and don\u2019t want Tebow\u2019s faith to ever be mentioned in the same breath as them.\u00a0 He\u2019s in the locker room, silently crying, cleaning out his personal effects, and our character arc begins with Tim saving a cross that he hung, for last, staring at it wistfully, thinking to himself why the good lord has failed to give him the strength he needed to make it back to the NFL.<\/span><\/p>\n

Tony Khan enters the locker room, and gives Tebow some fluff about how he performed great, and how his failure to make the team had nothing to do with his talent.\u00a0 But seeing as how he wasn\u2019t going to make the team, and to not let such physical gifts go to waste, he offers Tebow an opportunity to join All Elite Wrestling, so he could still potentially have a platform to spread the word.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cProfessional wrestling?\u201d thinks Tebow.\u00a0 The fake sport with fake storylines, so much of which is debaucherous, scandalous, and frequently sacrilegious?\u00a0 Khan assures Tebow that AEW is different<\/em> than those whom might have put out such unsavory product, and points no further than AEW\u2019s own TNT Champion, Miro, God\u2019s Favorite Wrestler<\/em><\/strong>, as proof of AEW\u2019s respect and commitment to Christianity.\u00a0 Tebow is intrigued, and agrees to a developmental tier-1 deal.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And because Tim Tebow is a physical specimen, he takes to professional wrestling like a fish to water.\u00a0 He\u2019s a little stiff on agility, but his physique is like a more natural Brian Cage, minus the Bane venom to puff him up like a balloon.<\/span><\/p>\n

Months later, after a successful title defense against the Butcher, Miro is jumped by the Blade, and probably two other guys previously released by the WWE like the Forgotten Sons, probably going under names like Bandsaw and Blowtorch, and despite being God\u2019s favorite wrestler, four-on-one too much for anyone.\u00a0 But then, Tim Tebow jumps the rail and hits the ring, and helps Miro regain control of the situation.\u00a0 The Jacksonville crowd in Daily\u2019s Place is going bonkers because Tebow is a god in Florida, and Schiavone and Excalibur are blathering on about how he\u2019s been doing the lord\u2019s work over on Dark<\/em> and whatever trainer he\u2019s under, and under the name of the lord, Tim Tebow breaks into AEW as an ally to Miro.<\/span><\/p>\n

As a wrestler, Tebow is more of a pacifist, and tries to outwrestle his opponents instead of just trying to pummel guys into unconsciousness for knockout pinfalls.\u00a0 Most of his matches start off with an unusually high amount of collar-and-elbow lockups, armbars, and Tebow trying to maneuver his opponents into pinning predicaments, with a variety of rollups and small packages.\u00a0 But because this is still professional wrestling, the opponents will eventually tire of this charade and devolve into violence, where Tebow then spends much of the next 5-6 minutes taking some bumps and doing it well because there is nothing that Tim Tebow isn\u2019t good at, selling no exception.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But eventually, the opponents slip up and leave themselves vulnerable to the Tim Tebow trademark Crucifix pin, which is just an ordinary crucifix and not a crucifix bomb, because Tebow is a pacifist and doesn\u2019t want to harm anyone that needs to be harmed.\u00a0 But because Tebow is so jacked and strong, he\u2019s often times able to keep his opponent\u2019s shoulders down for the three count.<\/span><\/p>\n

For the early career, Tebow\u2019s greatest feud would be against Luchasaurus, because what better foil for Mr. Religion could there possibly be than someone who is allegedly a dinosaur, the symbolic antithesis of religion?\u00a0 Bonus points for being someone larger than Tebow and giving a good visual symbolic man vs. monster visual in the program together.\u00a0 After months of promos about how the other doesn\u2019t exist and is fictitious, the feud culminates at one of those episodes of Dynamite<\/em> that has a special tagline, but has to be at Daily\u2019s Place where Tebow will have the homecourt advantage.<\/span><\/p>\n

Much of the match will be dominated by the larger and more experienced Luchasaurus, and Tebow will bump like a champion for 7-8 minutes.\u00a0 But frustrated at his inability to put Tim Tebow away, Luchasaurus eventually begins to ramp up the violence and brings a table into the ring to try and put Tebow away.\u00a0 After an Irish whip into the ropes, Tebow reverses a backdrop attempt and puts him in position to attempt the Crucifix; however due to Luchasaurus being larger and stronger, he reverses the attempt into a Samoan drop \u2013 through the table.\u00a0 The crowd at Daily\u2019s Place groans audibly, as the hometown hero is thwarted.<\/span><\/p>\n

Luchasaurus pantomimes the it\u2019s over arm gesture, and staggers his way over to Tebow\u2019s lifeless body to go for the pin.\u00a0 However, while wasting time mugging to the crowd, unbeknownst to everyone, two shards of table have conveniently shattered their way into a position slowly forming a cross \u2013 underneath Tebow.\u00a0 As Luchasaurus goes for the cover, referee Aubrey Edwards counts one, two and then Tebow launches him off of his body!<\/span><\/p>\n

Tim Tebow rises from the wrecked table, and the Omega vs. Moxley deathmatch pyro goes off.\u00a0 The drone camera above zooms in on the makeshift cross that formed underneath Tebow\u2019s previously prone body, and it becomes abundantly clear where Tebow is getting this second wind from.<\/span><\/p>\n

Luchasaurus begins striking Tebow, but he\u2019s hulked up by Christ and no-selling the shit out of all the blows.\u00a0 Desperate, Luchasaurus decks Tebow with a chair shot, which only succeeds in staggering him out of the ring for a moment, where he takes a swig out of a bottle of holy water conveniently hidden under the ring.\u00a0 As Luchasaurus measures Tebow for his Trouble in Paradise-clone kick, Tebow spits the holy water in Luchasaurus\u2019s face like the Great Muta, Tajiri and more recently, Asuka, staggering him with a surprise Baptismal.<\/span><\/p>\n

Stunned, Tebow rolls him into the Crucifix, and pins Luchasaurus, one, two, three.<\/span><\/p>\n

Not only does this notch Tebow the biggest win of his career, it sets up Luchasaurus for a character change, because Luchasaurus and the Jurassic Express is already tired and need of a change.\u00a0 See, Tebow isn\u2019t just talented in the ring, his presence benefits others too!<\/span><\/p>\n

Aside from this ingenious booking, there\u2019s still tons of potential to be had with Tim Tebow, professional wrestler.\u00a0 If AEW plays their cards right, they could basically book him like Bret Hart, in the sense that his religious persona would make him a heel in more liberal blue regions of the country, but he\u2019d be a monster babyface in more red parts of the country, and Jacksonville would be a no-brainer home field where he\u2019d always have the advantage.<\/span><\/p>\n

And with how many wrestlers are either Christian or born-again Christians, like Sting and the Young Bucks, there\u2019s all sorts of easy means to work programs with those guys.\u00a0 Hell, Tebow could enter a program with Christian Cage himself, thinking his name had something to do with religion, and there being a mixup that leads to wrestling matches.<\/span><\/p>\n

As you can read, Tim Tebow as a professional wrestler would be straight money.\u00a0 I have no doubt that if he ever decided to pursue this as an endeavor, he would be a TNT Champion by the end of his first year, when Miro decides he\u2019s had enough of working for AEW and is ready to go to Japan to built up some equity by fulfilling his destiny by winning the IWGP Championship before coming back to the WWE past his prime to finish out his career, and AEW needs to get the belt off of him before he goes.\u00a0 Because all he does is win and succeed at everything he puts his mind to.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The other day, my bros and I were bullshitting about professional wrestling as is often times the norm, and the thought crossed my mind that AEW is low-key owned by the Jacksonville Jaguars, since owner Tony Khan is the son of the Shahid Khan that owns the Jags.\u00a0 Recently, I saw some blurb about how … Continue reading What if\u2026 Tim Tebow, the professional wrestler?<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[29,106,83,91,70,58,54,55],"class_list":["post-48000","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-brog","tag-fantasy","tag-football","tag-observations","tag-pf","tag-religion","tag-sports","tag-wrestling","tag-wwe"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/48000","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=48000"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/48000\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":48002,"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/48000\/revisions\/48002"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=48000"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=48000"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=48000"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}