{"id":49411,"date":"2023-06-07T09:17:50","date_gmt":"2023-06-07T14:17:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/totfc.net\/?p=49411"},"modified":"2023-06-08T09:18:01","modified_gmt":"2023-06-08T14:18:01","slug":"identity-crisis","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/?p=49411","title":{"rendered":"Identity crisis"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/span><\/p>\n

Just the other night mythical wife said that our household should be What We Do in the Shadows <\/em>characters for Halloween.\u00a0 And without any hesitation, she said that I should be Guillermo.<\/span><\/p>\n

To the credit of that opinion, my face immediately made the same face<\/a> Guillermo does whenever he looks at the camera after the vampires do something stupid.\u00a0 But I wasn\u2019t at all impressed at the knee-jerk association.<\/span><\/p>\n

The lack of excitement of that was obviously noticed, and the back pedaling and explaining begins; he\u2019s a badass vampire slayer, he\u2019s the glue that holds the house together, he\u2019s the guy that\u2019s perpetually on the edge and verge of snapping being sick of everyone else\u2019s shit, and I\u2019m just thinking about the guy that\u2019s fat, gets walked on by everyone around him, and is basically there for comedic relief but usually at his own expense.<\/span><\/p>\n

Now I love the show, and it\u2019s a fair comp, but the fact of the matter is that Guillermo is kind of the show loser, and it depressed me to be so immediately comped up to him.\u00a0 He is an awesome character with a lot more depth than all the others, but when you take a step back and look at Guillermo as a whole, he\u2019s a guy with no discernable identity, and spends the vast majority of his existence cleaning up after others and not at all doing anything for himself, much less forming an identity.\u00a0 He\u2019s the joke, he\u2019s the doormat, he\u2019s the comic relief.<\/span><\/p>\n

But like I said, it\u2019s not a completely unfair comparison.\u00a0 I am the guy that keeps my house together; I\u2019m the guy that maintains or manages the landscaping, the (attempted) cleanliness, tries to keep the house in working order and somewhat organized, with little or no help.\u00a0 I take the vast majority of parenting duties, and any minute where I\u2019m not working my job, I\u2019m spending time with my kids while they\u2019re awake, and it\u2019s not until they are in bed that I have any semblance of downtime, that is when I\u2019m not back to managing the home.<\/span><\/p>\n

And I am, perpetually on the verge of losing my shit, because my life is not at all easy, I\u2019m overworked, under-helped, taken for granted, and I\u2019ve just been reminded of my general lack of identity in the world other than a dad or a housekeeper.\u00a0 Both titles are undoubtedly important and I take them seriously, but when I try to picture anyone else thinking about me, I struggle to wonder what in the world words formulate in their minds when they think about me, other than those two things.<\/span><\/p>\n

Because I don\u2019t know what words formulate in my own mind when it comes to trying to describe myself.\u00a0 I think I used to be a sports guy, specifically a baseball guy, when I was super into baseball and talking about sports all the time.\u00a0 I used to be a League guy when I spent so much of my life buried in the League of Legends <\/em>community.\u00a0 I used to be the wrestling guy, which might be the closest thing I\u2019m still identifiable to these days, and I most definitely was the belt guy, but the thing is that I\u2019ve gotten pretty much every blet I want and until I have an office again, there\u2019s not much point in getting any others.\u00a0 Ironically, the one thing that I have staunchly refused to ever give up, being my desire to write, is probably the one thing so few people actually know I do, because I have zero readers and I\u2019m neurotic and don\u2019t want to advertise that I do it, so being a writing guy or a brogger isn\u2019t exactly something anyone would know me for.<\/span><\/p>\n

But the thing is, other than the latter I don\u2019t think I\u2019m really any of these things anymore.\u00a0 As my kids came into existence, and my personal time diminished into negligible amounts, all my hobbies and interests fell to the wayside as any time I had to myself was either staring at a wall or trying to motivate myself to write something, usually about how burned out and over my life in general I was feeling at the time, kind of like I\u2019m doing right now.<\/span><\/p>\n

And so, I don\u2019t really have an identity anymore, I don\u2019t think.\u00a0 As often as I think I would benefit from a day or two completely by myself to actually rest and recharge, I really don\u2019t know what I\u2019d even do.\u00a0 I\u2019m so money conscious that I wouldn\u2019t want to spend the money to go hide out at a hotel or something, and I\u2019d feel guilty eating out and spending money that I know I shouldn\u2019t be spending, but I also can\u2019t really expect to get any recharge time when I\u2019m around my kids, because I want to spend time with them, so I\u2019m left in this spiraling swirl of indecisiveness and end up doing nothing but watching television and treading the waters of depression.<\/span><\/p>\n

Really, I just need this funky emotional wave to pass so I can go about my life without the baggage.\u00a0 Hopefully I won\u2019t be reminded of how much of a Guillermo I am again any time soon.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Just the other night mythical wife said that our household should be What We Do in the Shadows characters for Halloween.\u00a0 And without any hesitation, she said that I should be Guillermo. To the credit of that opinion, my face immediately made the same face Guillermo does whenever he looks at the camera after the … Continue reading Identity crisis<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[36,100,193,104,192,83,69],"class_list":["post-49411","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-brog","tag-angst","tag-comparison","tag-dad","tag-depression","tag-kids","tag-observations","tag-television"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49411","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=49411"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49411\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":49413,"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49411\/revisions\/49413"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=49411"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=49411"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/totfc.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=49411"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}