When I was but a n00b to drinking, one of the very first things that I really took a liking to was wheat beers. Hefeweizens. It started with the hefeweizens at Ellis Island Casino in Las Vegas, one of my favorite places on the planet, and it didn’t hurt that they were free, plentiful, and served by a super cougar of a waitress, as long as I was continuing to piss away cash at $5 blackjack or playing Mermaid’s Gold penny slots.
Now by now I’ve tried all sorts of other drinks, spirits and beers, but when the day is over, I’m still fond of hefeweizens. Sours, hard seltzers, goses and other things can come and hold my attention for periods of time, but I’ll always remember that some of my earliest loves were wheat beers.
When I pulled today’s beer out of the fridge and saw this silhouette of a bear on it, for some reason I felt optimistic before I saw any text at all. I don’t know why, but incorporating animals into the designs of things always curries my favor; maybe it’s because animals are better than people, or I just like seeing animals on my products.
Regardless, seeing the word “Weisse” was enough for me to know that this was going to be a hefeweizen, and be optimistic about it. Cracking it open and pouring it into my glass, I’m greeted by a cloudy, caramel colored brew with a light aroma that’s kind of fruity.
At first sip, I’m greeted by a lot of flavors that’s kind of spicy, kind of banana-ey, but it’s not too heavy, and goes down smooth. I’m reminded heavily of Shotgun Betty by Lonerider Brewery, which is one that I’m very fond of, so this is very much a compliment.
In fact, it’s such a compliment, I would dare say that this has been my favorite beer in the entire collection thus far, and has taken the #1 spot from First Coral after two weeks. It’s a delicious beer that is easily remembered, has a very easy comparison for me to recollect how much I liked it, and there’s this fucking bear on the can that I dig. Seeing “Bären” also reminds me of that scene from Inglorious Basterds where Hitler is talking about the Bear Jew and I remember hearing the phrase “Bären” from it. Yes, it’s little things like that, that make easy mnemonic devices to help me remember stuff like a really awesome beer.
Current Rankings:
- Bären Weisse (#16)
- First Coral (#2)
- Kirta (#5)
- Turbo Prop (#6)
- Schwarze Tinte (#13)
- Perlenzauber (#9)
- Loncium Vienna Style Lager (#12)
- Jubiläumsbier 333 (#7)
- Zwönitzer Steinbier (#4)
- Grandl (#11)
- Altbairisch Hell (#15)
- Hell (#1)
- Tannen Hell (#8)
- Tradition (#10)
- Hallertauer Hopfen-Cuvee (#14)
- Käuzle (#3)


Does “hell” mean something in Deutsch than it does in English? Because this is literally the third “hell” bier that I’ve come across over the last 15 days, and I can’t imagine that there’s such a fascination with the unholy underworld that there’d be this many beers named after it in the first place. A cursory Google translate shows that the word “héll” in Deutsch means “bright,” and I’m wondering if all these hell beers are referring to the fact that they’ve all been fairly light in color, and not that these are biers suited for the dark afterlives in actual, fire and brimstone, devil with a pitchfork, hell-hell, despite the fact that all of them seemed to have been missing the accent mark over the E.
Can I just first say that I’m sick to death of these fucking southern winters where we have like a week of 20-30 degree weather, the heat is pumping, everyone is nice and cozy in their hoodies, sweaters and blankets, and I’m forced to drip faucets overnight, so my shit doesn’t freeze, but then days later we’re back up into the 60s, touching 70, and I’m forced to turn the air conditioning back on because my kid is waking up from being too hot. Especially when I’m looking at the forecast of the upcoming week, and it’s supposed to plunge back down into the 30s in like two days.
