Don’t forget the ketchup!

In propagating American stereotypes: semi-truck hauling Heinz ketchup overturns and crashes on I-95, spilling its contents all over the road

Too bad this happened in the Florida stretch of I-95, and not like outside of Savannah or something.  Chalk this up as another close call that doesn’t really count, as it was close, but didn’t actually happen in Georgia, much less the Metro Atlanta area.  Bummer.

Whatever though, so ketchup.  Who ever knew that ketchup was in such a demand that it needed to be hauled in semis?  Seriously, segments of life can be measured in the time it takes me to actually kill bottles of ketchup.  Seriously, I remember a point in my life where my mom got a Costco-sized 64 oz. bottle of Heinz ketchup, and it probably lasted between the 4th through 7th grades; I’m pretty sure in the case of ketchup, best used by dates are more like suggested guesses and that it doesn’t actually expire.

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Still trying to figure this out

As is often times the natural state of rest in the City of Atlanta, I was sitting in some catastrophic traffic, and I noticed this on the minivan in front of me.  Now I think I’m pretty open-minded about the construction of family units, and I have no qualms with a mom and dad, two moms or two dads, or whatever; as long as any kids aren’t raised to become shitheads, if it works, it works.

However, it doesn’t mean I’m not going to question something if it seems unorthodox to me; like a family decal that appears to look like two dads, a mom, three children and one poop emoji with arms and legs.  Now the poop emoji might just possibly be a baby, as indicative by the baby on board placard, but I’m admittedly puzzled by the presence of three parents.  Hey, if it works, it works, but it’s still out of the ordinary by traditional standards.

Like, are they polygamists?  Swingers?  I mean, in some way all polygamists are kind of swingers.  I guess there are just more questions than anything else for me, like if there are four kids in the equation, like, are they all from the decal-ed mom?  All from one of the dads?  Or a mixture of fathers?  I’m okay with the idea of it, but it does make me cringe a little bit to think of the four kids being like two from one dad, two from the other; this, I cannot help, because I don’t imagine I would like sharing my spouse, much less for procreation purposes, but, if it works for them, it works.

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Man, jealous

You know who loves that chicken from Popeyes?  Or at least the biscuits?  I wish I could say it was the state of Georgia; actually, that’s probably very true, although I prefer to pledge my allegiance to Bojangles in the battle of fast food fried chicken.  Whatever though, I’m getting off the point (big surprise).

The answer is Pearl River County in Mississippi, where an 18-wheeler crashed on MS Rt. 59, spilling 40,000 pounds of Popeyes biscuits.

Now some Popeyes biscuits would’ve been an absolute coup of a side item to accompany the veritable buffet spilled all over Georgia highways – if only this truck had managed to wipe out in Georgia instead of Mississippi.  But again, another tragic food truck wipeout, denied to Georgia highways, and instead happening somewhere far less appreciated.

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The Braves make it so easy to be right

Who would’ve thunk it?  Sandy Springs mayor outraged because Cobb County plans on utilizing Sandy Springs surface streets to direct game-day traffic onto?  Shocker of the century.  No way they should get upset over such a trivial matter!

It’s funny because when the new stadium was revealed after it’s secret planning and surprise announcement, the very, very, very, very first concern that was brought up about it’s location at the corner of I-75 and I-285 was the traffic.  The north quadrant of I-285 is already known to have the worst of the daily commuter traffic on a daily basis, and conventional thinking leads to believe that the insertion of thousands of people going to a baseball game onto the very same roads would lead to a dramatic worsening of traffic.

But it’s okay, because the Braves and a whole litany of Cobb County stiffs who arranged this whole debacle were all like “Naw, there isn’t going to be any worse traffic!  We’re going to build a bridge!  We’re going to have buses!  We’re going to expand Cobb Parkway!  We’re going to make the new park bicycle friendly!”  And other bullshit rhetoric that were attempts to dissuade the dissent over traffic reasons that wasn’t fooling anyone with a quarter of a brain.

Well, the bridge’s funding still doesn’t have any real clear-cut transparency on how it’s going to be funded.  Look out, Cobb County has six buses to transport tens of thousands of people.  Locals aren’t thrilled with the incessant construction on Cobb Parkway, and 75% of people seem to agree that riding bicycles to ScumTrust Park via the highway or six-lane roads is not a good idea.  Oh, and the ballpark has bankrupt the county’s parks budget, but that has little relevance in this topic other than the fact that I just felt like pointing that out again.

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Too bad it wasn’t in Georgia

Close, but no cigar: Trucker falls asleep at the wheel, crashes tractor trailer, spills nearly 50,000 lbs. of potatoes onto North Carolina highway

Honestly, I had reservations about posting this, because I’m envious that this happened in North Carolina and not in Georgia, but the visuals alone draw my attention, and then the words simply flow without any real effort.

But given the fact that Georgia highways have seen just about everything else other than a good side dish, spill onto them, from hams, eggs, watermelons, chips and numerous trucks full of beer, the elusive potato truck would crash just three hours away from its boundaries.

The visuals really are kind of breathtaking, seeing an alleged 50,000 pounds of potatoes all littered all over the interstate.  It’s really a crying shame that in the crash, all the diesel spilled from the truck itself and basically rendered the vast majority of the spuds inedible, because much like all the food lost on Georgia highways, 50,000 lbs. is a pretty hefty chunk of food not going to be enjoyed by fat Americans in the coming months.

I know the roads were closed, but imagine driving down I-77 not long after the incident was declared cleared.  Seeing all these balls of potatoes littered all over the shoulders and off in the surrounding areas.  Imagine just how rank the area is going to smell when all the potatoes that were not retrieved begin to rot and start stinking up the joint, because man do rotting potatoes eventually begin to reek.  Or imagine further down the line, potatoes that sprout the weird shit that sprouts from their pores, and then like, on the shoulders of I-77, a robust potato crop eventually emerges?

And to think the trucking industry is so desperately seeking anyone and everyone with the ability to drive, and phase out imbeciles like this truck’s driver, that the occupation is getting to the point where young Americans really have to start considering it as viable employment options.  When I read articles like this one, I begin to wonder if truck drivers actually make more than I do, all for basically being a glorified courier, and then my mind wanders to imagining what it’d be like to take a year to go drive trucks or something.

Time to update the menu!

I was a little hesitant to add it to the list, because technically the incident occurred in Florida, and on I-95, and not anywhere remotely close to Metro Atlanta interstates, but given the fact that the story was reported by 11 Alive, an Atlanta news outlet, I figured why the fuck not, because it’s kind of the been one of the things I’ve been waiting for to happen.

So – let us update the ever-expanding menu of the Highway Truck Crash Buffet:

Main Courses*:
Ham
Chicken

*Glazed in honey

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So owned

I enjoyed this too much: woman tailgates motorist, motorist taps brakes to try and get tailgater to back off, tailgater instead slams their own brakes, loses control, and spins out into the median.

Bonus:

The Fox Valley Metro Police Department told the paper that she was cited.

Bitch didn’t only get what she deserved for being an aggressive tailgater, she also got her well-deserved citation.

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