PSA: Microsoft Word is not graphic design software

MICROSOFT WORD IS NOT GRAPHIC DESIGN SOFTWARE.
MICROSOFT WORD IS NOT GRAPHIC DESIGN SOFTWARE.
MICROSOFT WORD IS NOT GRAPHIC DESIGN SOFTWARE.
MICROSOFT WORD IS NOT GRAPHIC DESIGN SOFTWARE.
MICROSOFT WORD IS NOT GRAPHIC DESIGN SOFTWARE.
MICROSOFT WORD IS NOT GRAPHIC DESIGN SOFTWARE.
MICROSOFT WORD IS NOT GRAPHIC DESIGN SOFTWARE.
MICROSOFT WORD IS NOT GRAPHIC DESIGN SOFTWARE.
MICROSOFT WORD IS NOT GRAPHIC DESIGN SOFTWARE.
MICROSOFT WORD IS NOT GRAPHIC DESIGN SOFTWARE.
MICROSOFT WORD IS NOT GRAPHIC DESIGN SOFTWARE.
MICROSOFT WORD IS NOT GRAPHIC DESIGN SOFTWARE.
MICROSOFT WORD IS NOT GRAPHIC DESIGN SOFTWARE.
MICROSOFT WORD IS NOT GRAPHIC DESIGN SOFTWARE.
MICROSOFT WORD IS NOT GRAPHIC DESIGN SOFTWARE.

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A feeling of validation

For my office’s holiday potluck party, I contributed a giant-sized side of chips and my homemade guacamole.  I’ve been making it for a few years now, and all my friends and acquaintances seem to like it fine, and I happen to think it’s pretty decent too.  But it was to the test, being served up to 30 or so of the people in the company I’m currently working for.  It was during this test that I kind of learned that maybe it’s pretty good on a slightly larger scale sample.

One of the IT guys is Spanish.  I have no idea to what his specific ethnicity is, but it’s clearly Spanish.  At one point, as he was going through the line, he remarked about how there was guacamole available, and asked who made it.  I said that I did, and watched as he took a heaping serving of it, with a fistful of chips.  I told myself “man, I hope he likes it,” which was a relative feeling, but applied more to this guy because he was Spanish and much like people would assume of my judgment of Korean food, I was hoping my guacamole would warrant his seal of approval.

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So you want to be a graphic designer 101

Where’d you go to school?  Savannah?  Parsons?  Ringling?  The Art Institutes of Blank?  Awesome, that’s a great start.  I assume you have mastery of one or several Adobe programs?  Excellent, that’s good to know.

Well guess what?  None of that means absolutely shit when you’re in the REAL working world, because 90% of the jobs you’ll be doing on a regular basis in working America will involve you primarily working with Microsoft Office products!  The holy grail of computer software, that can do absolutely nothing everything for absolutely nobody everyone!!!!!!!

Adobe InDesign may have trounced Quark as the standard within the Creative class when it comes to layout and publishing, but in the Corporate class, InDesign isn’t even worthy enough to take the soiled tissues that the almighty POWERPOINT uses to wipe its ass, and drop it into the toilet for it.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s the sad and unfortunate truth.  PowerPoint is the crown jewel of software greatness, as it’s WAY “easier” than Flash at embedding/playing video files, and so MUCH more “efficient” when it comes to creating forms and performing layout tasks!!

Adobe Photoshop may be an efficient tool amongst you nerds for making your memes and cheezeburgers, editing pictures of cats and putting esoteric jokes on top of existing graphics, but when it comes to true graphic design excellence, look no further than MICROSOFT WORD as the gold standard when it comes to getting shit done.  It only takes a genius level intellect to realize that none of the functions are decipherable without the assistance of Google to look up how the most logical of ideas are executed.  Word does everything.  Photoshop can only crank out lame jokes, while Word CAN WRITE.  Not only can it write, it comes with a library of pre-existing CLIP ART which are fail-proof when it comes to accentuating points and messages.  And you can drag and drop graphics from the internet RIGHT INTO Word, without needing to concern yourself about copyrights and photographic rights!

It’s cute that you guys went to art school or have a wealth of experience when it comes to using “design pro-grams,” but let’s get real, you guys.  If you want to make it in the real world, you got to be able to use the almighty Microsoft products in order to get there.

Dear world

PowerPoint is not graphic design software, never has, and never will be. If you wish for me to work on PowerPoint for your companies, I will do such since I am a slave to the rat race, but know that making me do such, I will harbor legitimate hatred for you and your company. Fuck PowerPoint and fuck you too.

What’s douchier than people who drive BMW cars?

Guys who drive BMW motorcycles.  There’s a guy in the office that needs to let everyone know that he drives a BMW motorcycle, indicative by the way he’s always wearing his fluorescent green BMW “air shell” jacket in the office, despite the fact that it’s 87 degrees in the City of Atlanta right now.  And the way he perches his fluorescent green BMW helmet on the edge of his desk, so that everyone who walks by or looks down the corridor can see it, like a beacon of douchiness in the office.  I have to imagine that when he’s in his full autocross get-up, he looks like a fucking lightning bug humping a football, or at least, like someone who ate something radioactive.

Needless to say, having been here for the last two months, I’ve got a fairly good grasp of the people who work here, and most importantly for the sake of conversation, the people I don’t really care for, and are capable of griping about in brog format.  Furthermore, I’ve been here long enough to where I now feel entitled to gripe about my job, more so than when I was here, greener than Lex Luger.

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The importance of ass

It most certainly is important.

Unfortunately, this powerpoint isn’t really as entertaining as one so aptly titled might be, but even despite the forgone conclusion, I still couldn’t help but feel a tad hopeful that maybe it wasn’t just a coincidentally poor abbreviation as result of an egregiously long file name.

Lately, this work assignment’s been a little tedious.  The person I work directly under is out for the next ten days or so, so I thought I might have it a little easy without concern of someone watching what I’m doing on the side behind my back.  However, the traffic manager here recently retired, so there are about three different people bringing me work now, constantly interrupting me, and sniffing around over my shoulders, so such hopes for a relaxing work environment where I could do some substantial writing on the side are a bit dashed.

InDesOWNING

If only I could put into words just how awesome I feel about myself when it comes to my Adobe InDesign comprehension, and then put those words onto my resume and subsequent cover letters.  I’d imagine I’d have not only a job, but a permanent Russian hooker underneath my desk for the rockstar ability I like to boast.

I’m fairly confident that I’ve already exceeded simply impressing my temporary peers with what I’ve demonstrated thus far, but after the events of today, I like to think that I may have convinced them that I’m like the grand weezard of InDesign here.  In seven business days, I have improved upon templates developed in a time when Adobe PageMaker was the norm, and tackled three projects deemed “too tedious to do,” because of my InDesign knowledge.

Because of me, this place will no longer have to manually adjust final PDFs, and insert covers, legal pages, tables of contents into proper order, since I showed them how to section off pages within the ID documents and create proper sequential page numbering.  Because of me, this company can actually justify throwing out their Adobe PageMaker installation disks that amazingly, they actually still have, and handed to me in preparation for the “too tedious to do” project.  Little did they realize just how seamless a .PMD file converts into an ID format until shown by me.

Seriously, aside from the egregious boasting, self-high fiving, and literary fellating I’m giving myself, if any company that had a position that was purely InDesign based, and they passed up on me, they would legitimately be brain dead.  Not just brain dead, but physically dead as result of becoming brain dead, and their corpse dug up, lobotomized, and having someone urinate on their dead brain before letting it rot for worms and crows.  I’m that confident in my InDesign skillz.