After a few days of feeling foggy and lost, both physically and emotionally, primarily on account of sleep deprivation, a question popped into my head: is there such a thing as postpartum depression for dads?

A cursory Google search says that yes, there very much is such a thing as postpartum depression for dads, and that it supposedly affects one in ten dads; it figures that a headcase like me naturally ends up lumped into that 10% chance of developing postpartum symptoms, but from what I was reading in the aforementioned link, I don’t think what I’m going through is entirely the same thing as the “classic” symptoms.  But I am definitely in this hazy, foggy mood, and I think I should be happier, so it’s really up to interpretation on whether or not this is postpartum, or just me being who I am, perpetually concerned or contemplative on whatever I’m doing being a good decision or not, even at the potential expense of the present.

So I don’t really think I’m going through “classic” postpartum, but my mood is definitely probably not at happy as it should be following the birth of a child.  I feel like, if I could pinpoint it as best as I could, which is a little bit easier considering I’m writing this after the initial period in which I went through this the most, is that I think that at the very root of things, I’m just struggling to find my identity as a dad of two children and not one, balancing the guilt of having to divide my time, and of course, the feelings of inadequacy as well as simply feeling overwhelmed with what life is going to be from here on out.

But the thing is, I like to tell myself that I didn’t feel inadequate or overwhelmed from time to time, it would reflect on my quality as a dad, because it would mean that I didn’t give enough shits about my family to where I’d feel so owned and defeated so frequently, because I just don’t want to ever let them down.  At the end of the day, my goals are to be a good dad and a husband and not let my family down, and I care enough to let those motivations dictate my emotions if I ever feel concerned that I’m not meeting expectation.

At the end of the day, much like my first time around, things will ultimately settle, calm down, routines materialize, #2 will age out of some of the more challenging behaviors, and life will get easier, and emotions like postpartum will dissipate.  As mythical wife and I have often said, now that we’ve had our agreed-upon second and final child, things can only get easier from here on out, as far as raising babies goes.  Now infants, toddlers, terrible twos, and so forth are different stories, but at least by then, hopefully our girls will know how to wipe their own asses by then.

This is the first time I’ve had the availability to any sort of writing since the birth of #2, and it’s solely based on the fact that I’m back to work, sequestered in my office, and where my kids are being cared for by mythical wife and our nanny.  In the downtime between periodic work emails where things are on fire, and the lulls throughout the day, I’m finding myself actually capable of finding a little bit of time to write something, and now that I do, I don’t even know where to start.

Over the last three weeks, I’ve jotted down notes and blurbs of things that I’d like to touch on, but never having the time and capacity to do so, they’ve just been amassing in a draft document and I’m debating on whether or not it’s worth trying to revisit some things but I think we all know that I probably will because I have a hard time letting go of things and ideas that were thought of, going unused.  Including the topic of having no time itself on account of welcoming a second child into the world.  We’ll see how my writing habits become in coming weeks and months, because as I’ve stated countless times, my brog is basically my lifeblood of hobbies, and no matter the circumstances it’s something I’ll never let go of.

Also over the last three weeks, I’ve gone through the a vast gamut of emotions, I’m sure that’s a surprise.  Sleep deprivation has a tendency to alter mood and emotions like that, and regardless of knowing why and reminding myself to exhibit patience, it’s still been very challenging at times to not just feel fried and angry and frustrated with things, which then leads to guilt, inadequacies and an overall shitty feeling, but three weeks in now, I think we’re kind of, hopefully, finding some modicum of rhythm, and once #2’s sleep cycles start to stabilize, or at least she manages to chain at least one sleep cycle to another, then mythical wife and I might gain some free time, which in turns would mean gaining a little bit of sanity back.

Either way, this post serves really no other purpose than to break the streak of brog silence that would ordinarily have me losing my shit to have let a week, much less three, go by without any sort of post.  Having kids seems like as justifiable reason as any to warrant it, but it doesn’t change the fact that I tend to get angsty when I don’t write for too long, which didn’t help feed the more negative emotions that have crept into my head over the last few weeks.

In a perfect more ideal world, I’ll comb through my notes and topics and try and write out some coherent and tangible stories and posts about the journeys of a second-time father and a dad of two under two years old, as well as catch up some of the other few topics that piqued my interest over the span and try to play some catch-up.