Apparently, God drives a Chevy Cavalier.
In other amusement brought on by automobiles, on my way home from work the other day, I was mildly irritated when everyone on the road slammed their brakes, bringing traffic to a dangerously instantaneous crawl.
It was caused by a Ford Festiva passing an overly encumbered (full of fat fucks) Lincoln Towncar. Hahahahaha.
But it’s not like in Terminator, where they want to end all of humanity. Instead, SkyNet is content to just make the lives of humankind as miserable and annoyance-filled as possible. The thing is, nobody knows this, but they don’t really go by the name of “SkyNet.” They go by “traffic lights,” and their goal in their artificial lives is to piss off humanity as much as they can. They’re sadistic like that, and it really is much quite worse. Killing humans at least puts them out of their misery; stopping them at each and every fucking intersection known to man is a much more aggravating and painstaking endeavor.
Suffice to say, nothing sours my mood faster than driving on a country-back road/parkway, that actually has lighted intersections. Even more so, when the SkyNets at all of them are programmed to be as beneficial as possible to opposing traffic, and as misery-inducing and pain in the ass for major traffic. I got stopped at eleven out of twelve SkyNets on my way home from running errands. After a while, I began dreading seeing friendly SkyNets, because that just meant they were going to turn heel on me as I approached. At least the evil SkyNets, I knew were already on their upswing of turning good again. Hence, the motivation to vent my frustrations on the internets where nobody is bound to see them.
Seriously though, just having gotten nice, fresh-new tires, and got my brakes all smoothed out and working great again, nothing is more rage producing than having to be on roads that let you get to the vehicul’s top speed, only for you to approach an intersection coming at 55-65 mph, for the light to turn yellow at the precise distance where you know you won’t be able to beat it without triggering any cameras, or command the attention of any police that happen to be present, so you’re left with no alternative but to really work out your brakes and come to a stressful halt, while a single Chevy Lumina chugs through the intersection, with their drivers so oblivious to how much I want them to veer off into a ditch and die for being on the road at the precise moment of least convenience for my ever-so important life.
I know it’s such a trivial, inconsequential thing to get pissed off over, let alone gain the motivation and momentum to segue into a brog post, but that’s what make us humans, we have irrational pet peeves. Fuck you SkyNet. May John Connors from all time lines be your eternal downfall.
This is very similar to what my drive home from trivia looked like tonight. The only real difference is that it was dark out. But the visuals were otherwise the same, with cars sitting in ditches, wrecked, flipped over, or stalled on the shoulder. Whether or not there was anyone hurt or injured is unknown, but there were most certainly plenty of abandoned wrecks on the side of the road tonight. All because it rained today, and compounded with the week of arctic weather we’ve had, led to, predictably, lots of ice on the streets. And naturally, Atlanta, being in a Southern state, is ill-prepared for such circumstances, and there are no trucks to ice the roads, leading to lots of accidents, closed roads and highways, and worst of all, an epidemic called “more retarded than usual drivers.”
Seriously, the ice on the roads don’t scare me the least bit, but the other people “driving” in their cars worry the ever living shit out of me. On empty roads, I’m 100% confident in my ability to get home, but having to dodge cars on the Connector and I-285 that slam their brakes when they think they see ice, are about to go over bridges, or are generally traveling at 35 mph speeds on highways that require deft maneuvering around creates very unsafe driving conditions. It also didn’t help that the cops and DOT started blocking off ramps and exits that had any sort of bridge and/or curve involved, because people are just fucking retarded. What is normally a 30 minute drive took me 50, due to all circumstances noted. The fascinating thing is that at first, with all the cars wrecked and abandoned all over the streets, it looked a lot like The Walking Dead, and I was almost expecting to see zombies emerging from the ditches a quarter mile later.
With my head not necessarily on straight these past days, I’m finding it easier to run in the mornings. Furthermore, due to the fact that the current gig is 47 miles from my house, in the worst traffic part of Metro Atlanta, I’ve forced myself to wake up at 6:30 a.m., instead of forfeiting any working out at all. And at least for the last three days, waking up at 6:30 has been less troublesome than when I awoke at 7 a.m. in order to run and do some working out prior to getting to whatever gigs want me there at 9:30-10.
Or maybe it’s the subconscious reminder of rejection that is unconsciously driving me to want to improve myself further again, starting with the physicality, and making running and lifting in the mornings less of a nuisance, and more of a motivation. Maybe it’s just the structured routine that I’m always aspiring to have that’s doing it. Either way, good for me, for exercising.
The work itself is easy, time-consuming, and in a way, therapeutic. I can more or less turn off my brain and mow through assignments like a weedwacker. Two freelancers were brought in to undertake this project, and I felt that it was unnecessary. Turns out that I was right, and that while I’m still here, the other guy was sent home. Not to toot my own horn, but I know I’d be an asset to any fucking company that just had the balls to actually hire me.
A cranberry vodka sounds like a fantastic way to end the day.
Sandy Springs has the worst traffic on the face of the planet as an exercise I’m going to keep typing until I advance past this stop light which has been 10 minutes so far and only five cars out of a billion are making it through at a time and the surface streets are deadlocked more than Whoopi Goldberg in the figure four, Texas cl
I’m just sitting at Starbucks, killing time, while traffic dies down a bit, pondering on what six-pack of boozahol to take to Dragon-con, and what creative back roads route to take to avoid as much traffic as possible, to prevent me from even more white hairs sprouting on my head.
So in the meantime, have a picture of D-Pat getting emasculated waxed so he can accurately dress up as Cheetos during the weekend.
So I’m sitting at work today, and around noon, the sky pretty much begins falling, and doesn’t really stop until about 9 p.m. The best part was, that people in the office began freaking out, and plots to get out of the office early, and all the other nonsensical excuses people come up with to skirt their work duties began stirring. For hourly slaves like myself, that’s not always in the best interests, but that’s another story.
Bottom line, by 3:30-ish, 80% of the office was gone, and I was back to plugging away at doing the tasks expected of me in order to earn my gravy. The local traffic site, Georgia-Navigator.com was about as flooded with bandwidth like the morning I found out that Costco was selling Piss3s online when they first came out, and I tried really really hard to get one. But I stayed pat, because one, I’m smarter than everyone else in the office, and two, I need the hours.
