Don’t forget the ketchup!

In propagating American stereotypes: semi-truck hauling Heinz ketchup overturns and crashes on I-95, spilling its contents all over the road

Too bad this happened in the Florida stretch of I-95, and not like outside of Savannah or something.  Chalk this up as another close call that doesn’t really count, as it was close, but didn’t actually happen in Georgia, much less the Metro Atlanta area.  Bummer.

Whatever though, so ketchup.  Who ever knew that ketchup was in such a demand that it needed to be hauled in semis?  Seriously, segments of life can be measured in the time it takes me to actually kill bottles of ketchup.  Seriously, I remember a point in my life where my mom got a Costco-sized 64 oz. bottle of Heinz ketchup, and it probably lasted between the 4th through 7th grades; I’m pretty sure in the case of ketchup, best used by dates are more like suggested guesses and that it doesn’t actually expire.

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Man, jealous

You know who loves that chicken from Popeyes?  Or at least the biscuits?  I wish I could say it was the state of Georgia; actually, that’s probably very true, although I prefer to pledge my allegiance to Bojangles in the battle of fast food fried chicken.  Whatever though, I’m getting off the point (big surprise).

The answer is Pearl River County in Mississippi, where an 18-wheeler crashed on MS Rt. 59, spilling 40,000 pounds of Popeyes biscuits.

Now some Popeyes biscuits would’ve been an absolute coup of a side item to accompany the veritable buffet spilled all over Georgia highways – if only this truck had managed to wipe out in Georgia instead of Mississippi.  But again, another tragic food truck wipeout, denied to Georgia highways, and instead happening somewhere far less appreciated.

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Too bad it wasn’t in Georgia

Close, but no cigar: Trucker falls asleep at the wheel, crashes tractor trailer, spills nearly 50,000 lbs. of potatoes onto North Carolina highway

Honestly, I had reservations about posting this, because I’m envious that this happened in North Carolina and not in Georgia, but the visuals alone draw my attention, and then the words simply flow without any real effort.

But given the fact that Georgia highways have seen just about everything else other than a good side dish, spill onto them, from hams, eggs, watermelons, chips and numerous trucks full of beer, the elusive potato truck would crash just three hours away from its boundaries.

The visuals really are kind of breathtaking, seeing an alleged 50,000 pounds of potatoes all littered all over the interstate.  It’s really a crying shame that in the crash, all the diesel spilled from the truck itself and basically rendered the vast majority of the spuds inedible, because much like all the food lost on Georgia highways, 50,000 lbs. is a pretty hefty chunk of food not going to be enjoyed by fat Americans in the coming months.

I know the roads were closed, but imagine driving down I-77 not long after the incident was declared cleared.  Seeing all these balls of potatoes littered all over the shoulders and off in the surrounding areas.  Imagine just how rank the area is going to smell when all the potatoes that were not retrieved begin to rot and start stinking up the joint, because man do rotting potatoes eventually begin to reek.  Or imagine further down the line, potatoes that sprout the weird shit that sprouts from their pores, and then like, on the shoulders of I-77, a robust potato crop eventually emerges?

And to think the trucking industry is so desperately seeking anyone and everyone with the ability to drive, and phase out imbeciles like this truck’s driver, that the occupation is getting to the point where young Americans really have to start considering it as viable employment options.  When I read articles like this one, I begin to wonder if truck drivers actually make more than I do, all for basically being a glorified courier, and then my mind wanders to imagining what it’d be like to take a year to go drive trucks or something.

Time to update the menu!

I was a little hesitant to add it to the list, because technically the incident occurred in Florida, and on I-95, and not anywhere remotely close to Metro Atlanta interstates, but given the fact that the story was reported by 11 Alive, an Atlanta news outlet, I figured why the fuck not, because it’s kind of the been one of the things I’ve been waiting for to happen.

So – let us update the ever-expanding menu of the Highway Truck Crash Buffet:

Main Courses*:
Ham
Chicken

*Glazed in honey

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Stories that write themselves

Big weekend for semis hauling food crashing on Atlanta area highways. Still no Frito-Lay truck or the sort that contains a great deal of what would be classified as side items.

First, we have yet another beer truck crash up in Cobb County, dumping its contents all over I-75. How it overturned, who really knows, but know that it happened while going in a straight line, so whatever it was, it was truly stupid. Ultimately, the reaction is “no big deal,” because we’ve already had a beer truck crash in Atlanta within the last two years.

The food truck crash story of the weekend however, is this tractor truck full of watermelons dumping its contents all over the highways. Given the location of said incident, and the contents of the tractor trailer, this is my knee jerk reaction:

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Let’s hope the eastern seaboard doesn’t need any honey

Impetus: semi-truck carrying over 400 hives and nearly 14 million bees crashes and rolls on Interstate 5, in a town north of Seattle; bees get everywhere.

Good god almighty, this is pretty much the worst thing ever.  Thank god that this did not occur in Georgia, on the same I-285/I-20 ramp that has derailed trucks carrying beer, eggs and chickens on separate instances, because knowing the Metro Atlanta area, it would somehow end up closed highways, crippled traffic, and several violent incidents with at least three fatalities involving police being accused of shooting black people.

But seriously, imagine driving down the road, and passing through a literal cloud of bees, and they get sucked into your air filter, pop out of your vents and into your vehicle, and start stinging you?  Needless to say, this scenario is the perfect time to drop the Tommy Boy BEES video clip, which is totally relevant.

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Still waiting on Frito Lay

Short story shorter: Truck carrying tens of thousands of pounds of ice cream overturns on Metro Atlanta highway.

I don’t really know why these stories amuse me so much, but add ice cream to the buffet of carnage that has occurred on Metro Atlanta highway intersections over the span of the last 12 months.

With turkeys, hams, eggs and beer already accounted for, and dessert now added to the list, I still contest that the roads are still awaiting a good accompanying food, like some chips or maybe a produce truck full of potatoes or something, and then we can call it a party.

That being said, not that I want to hear about people incurring serious injuries or anything, but I think I’m going to subconsciously be wishing that any Frito Lay or snack company’s trucks I see on the highways, meet some unfortunate conflicts with physics and gravity within the next month.