The kind of weekend I won’t have for a while

I stayed up late on Friday and Saturday nights, and slept in on both Saturday and Sunday mornings.  I got my new computer on Wednesday, and finally had the opportunity to wipe it clean and get it up and running.  This is the first new computer I’ve purchased literally, since like 1998.  As far as the rest of the weekend went, it was pretty much just that; messing around with computers, and watching baseball.

I actually feel quite accomplished on the computer front.  I had a general idea of what I wanted to accomplish with my brand new machine, as well as the older LEAURNING machine, and although altogether things didn’t go as smoothly as I had hoped it would have, I think I managed to overcome and figure out all obstacles that got in the way, and in the end result, I seem to have accomplished everything I had set out to do.

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A weekend at the faire – Hipsters fashion faux pas

I couldn’t help but wonder when looking at these two hipster douches, “did they plan on going to the ren faire dressed practically identically?”  I mean look at them, with their surreptitiously similar red plaid shirts, skinny jeans, gay lace-less shoes, one with a mop-top, one with a Bieber, both of them smoking cigars, trying to do their best impressions of being men.

Seriously, I have to ask, was this deliberate?  As far as I’m concerned, it’s not just for women to be abhorred by a friend inadvertently dressing similarly to them, because two dudes dressed alike without planning it is kinda gay.  In fact, it’s kinda gay if it’s premeditated as well.  So conclusively, either these two hipster douches are in fact gay, or simply aren’t aware that it’s okay for one of them to go back inside and change for the sake of not looking so gay.

Regardless, considering they were at a Renaissance faire, these two hipster douches somehow managed to look like the gayest people on the premises.  Congraturation?

Obligatory

Jen brought me back a real La Parka mask from Mexico, just in time for Cinco de Mayo.  So honestly, with my mask, Dos Equis, and WCW U.S. title, all I’m really missing for perfect symmetry for Cinco de Mayo, is a steel folding chair.

A weekend at the faire – The MILF ass like the rock that held Excalibur

She obviously works out. Genetics and age have been kind to this one, her husband, and her kids.

Considering the standard faire garb is typically giant flowing dresses, and tight corsets, Renaissance Faires are typically places to go see lots of tits and cleavage, and not really so much the ass. Now I do like me the titties as much as the next guy, but I’m more easily distracted when I see a great ass. Needless to say, my expectations for seeing such eye candy are slightly negated at a Renaissance Faire.

But, the Georgia faire is in April, May, and June, and if the temperature is warm, then the short shorts and Daisy Dukes come out. God bless short shorts and Daisy Dukes.

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A weekend at the faire – In THIS family, Hubby < Precious

It was no different than when I used to work there regularly a long, long time ago; parents who decked out their baby strollers in “Renaissancy” handkerchiefs and other pieces of flair to get in the spirit of going to the faire, despite not really doing anything for themselves.  We saw these people coming down the hill with the initial horde of patrons for the day, and at first, it was no big deal – just another couple with a decorated stroller for a beautiful day at the faire.  But then the Precious poked its head out of the stroller.

Are you kidding me?  A fucking dog in a stroller?

Either way, attacking the woman, or Precious is too easy.  The target of my criticism immediately goes towards the man of the family; either his wife has a vagina plated in golden velvet, or more likely, who has easily allowed his woman to assert dominance in the relationship, and write out the pecking order of the household, one where he is clearly not on top.

Clearly, the “man” is a gigantic pussy, who pretty much lets everyone walk all over him, including the dog.  Observing him, it’s fairly evident that either he and the alpha have no children of their own, or there’s a slight possibility that they’re empty nesters, with nothing better to do on their weekends than to come to things like the Renaissance Faire.  Regardless, based on the NASCAR hat, and the polo shirt with NASCAR sponsor emblems on the front, it’s obvious what the pussy likes.

If my hypothesis is correct, their relationship was predicated on the wife being able to do whatever the fuck she wanted, just so long as he could have his Sundays to himself, while he and sometimes buddies, watched races.  But given their age, such behavior has gone on so long, that it has essentially become the norm, and the way of living during NASCAR time, has become the way of living, de facto.  The sad thing is that pussy probably has no idea that such has turned out the way it is, he’s grown so used to having it like such.

If I weren’t so disgusted by his emasculation, I might actually feel a little bit sad for him.  But then to rub salt into the wounds, I saw him later on in the afternoon carrying the stroller, with alpha and Precious nowhere in sight.  Meaning the wife left him, dog in tow.  And to make matters worse, I spotted him on his return trip, carrying none other than one of those Paris Hilton-like pet carrier purses.

I almost vomited right then and there.  Fuckin’ pussy.

A weekend at the faire – Female OWNED

I’ve mentioned before that one of my favorite internet meme images on the internet is the white couple, with the black baby, and there’s a big OWNED in Impact font, pointing at the guy. Sure, that’s a funny image and all, and it’s not so much the racist undertones of it that I find funny as much as it simply is the concept of why the guy is OWNED. It’s irrelevant to whether or not the baby were adopted, or fathered in, or out of wedlock, by obviously a black man, but the fact that he is OWNED, because he is clearly stuck in a situation where he’s raising someone else’s kids. It’s funny in a sad, thank god it’s not me kind of way, and I am amused by it immensely.

This past weekend, I spent worked an emergency weekend shift at the Renaissance Faire. It was not my preference, but it was most certainly a personal solid done for a close friend, and it’s not like I did it for free. But it’s still burning an entire weekend, putting myself in the lowest of worst retail situations, peddling wares to a bunch of cheap rednecks who would rather spend their money on turkey legs, overpriced “ale and wynne,” and unfittingly, samurai swords. Regardless, with the help of Miss Sarah, we tried to make the best of a bad situation, by doing what any snarky retail dreg workers do – judging strangers, and fabricating stories about them. The following series of posts will be a recollection of my weekend at the faire, and the assumed true stories about the people we watched, that made the weekend just a little more bearable.

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I wonder what this means

I watched the desk clerk run my credit card the old fashioned, imprinting way, for somewhere just over fifty dollars. Samantha and I walked out of the reception office into the parking lot, the sun beaming down and forcing me to narrow my eyesight in light of the glare. We peered around to get an idea of where our motel room was going to be, and located the general section of where it was. Oddly, it was a stand-alone block of rooms that was in the middle of the U-shaped motel establishment, and acted as kind of a barrier to keep the swimming pool are out of view of the parking lot and the adjacent traffic from the entry point of the property.

Regardless, we headed to our room, me feeling a twinge of excitement, a mixture of anxiety, lust, and anticipation; Samantha was a cute girl with short brown hair, and she was right about the same height as I was, to say that there was one thing on my mind would have been a bit of an understatement. Glancing back at her, such emotion and thoughts must’ve been running through her head too, as we made our way to the entrance to our room.

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