As much as I’d been waiting to do this and I had fantasized about it over the last year and change, I still found myself pretty anxious to have the talk with the boss of mine that I had grown to not particularly like over the last three years.  This is the longest stop I’ve ever had in my career, at just under six years, so no matter all the good that will come from moving on, there’s still the sheer, change, of everything that brought on a little bit of nerves.

And when the day was over, the conversation really was just about everything that I had predicted it would be.  Regardless of how important I feel that I am to my team, and all of the contributions and things that I do for the team and my reports, I knew that my boss would no-sell me giving my notice like Hercules vs. Sid, because I’ve felt that she’s been trying to get me to quit for the better part of the last two years, and me leaving, in spite of the workflow issues it may cause, would still be satisfactory for her, so that she could backfill my position with a spineless puppet. 

Which is pretty much what happened, not surprising to me at all.  But we also had a fairly civil conversation about how I didn’t really want to leave the company, and how I tried to make a move when there was a reorganization and an influx of open positions to move into, and when things didn’t work out in my favor, I realized that I had to leave.

Most importantly though, regardless of the greener pastures I may be headed to, what is the hardest part about ultimately leaving is the people.  As cliché as it sounds, I really did meet a lot of really good people, and I love all of my reports that I’ve had throughout the years, and leaving them, won’t ever not feel like I’m leaving them a little bit high and dry.

It’s funny, one of the things I said to my boss was that I was grateful for the guidance she gave me throughout the years.  As pleasant as it might sound, it probably isn’t for the reasons that she thinks they might be, because through her guidance, I really learned or affirmed a lot of the traits of leadership that I didn’t want to put onto my own subordinates.

And out of respect for my team, I pulled them aside separately to tell them the news personally, because I love and respect them, and I didn’t want them finding out soullessly from my boss.  How I was always one of them, and will always be one of them, graphic designers, regardless of what my title was, and that it was always important to be their advocates and defenders of bullets and shrapnel, and to protect them when I could.  Because without their contributions, the company wouldn’t have advertising, and how that they’re more important than all sorts of meaningless titles that are perceived to be above them.

Perhaps they were fluffing my ego or just being nice, but the general response from them was definitely mostly sad.  Two reached out independently to tell me that my departure will make it much easier for them to look elsewhere, and two others that I emailed in lieu of their absences, didn’t respond immediately, uncharacteristically of them, making me wonder if I’ve given them a little bit of a shock.

All the same, regardless of how sad I might be to be leaving the place where I’ve spent more time than anywhere else, when the day is over, good people and company loyalty don’t pay the bills, and child care if fucking ridiculous.  It was still a very easy choice to accept the new position that I was offered, and I’m sure as my start date gets closer I will become more excited about the new journey my career will be headed in.

But until then, it’ll be a tumultuous two weeks of tying up loose ends, trying to figure out all my financials from the old job, while my new equipment and orientation of the new one starts to queue up.  It’s going to be very important for me to get mentally prepared for the new job, because I definitely know what a muddy mindset can do to a job if you’re not mentally ready for it.