When you feel bad that nothing bad is happening to you

Seems like I’m not the only one out there.

When things get busy, I tend to make lists.  Be it on a Post-It, notepad documents, or on Notes on my phone, when there are a lot of things to do, I make lists.  Because one, it keeps me organized and remembering all of the things that I need to do, and two, it feels really nice and accomplishing when you’re able to cross things off, highlight and clear lines of text, or delete a Note.  It makes me feel happy when I knock things off a list and feel a sense of accomplishment.

With Christmas looming, I made a list of things that I needed to do on my car, prior to the holiday.  The oil was long overdue, subsequently the air filter was gross and needed replacement, and my car’s at the age where all the bulbs seem to be burning out one after another.  Pretty much in one 24-hour span, I’ve gotten the oil changed, the air filter changed (myself, saving $20 in exorbitant “labor”), and replaced three burnt-out light bulbs.  For all intents and purposes, I feel very studious and accomplished at my productivity, and should worry less about driving my car anywhere for the next few months.

In fact, on the overall list of things that I needed to do before Christmas, I’ve systematically completed almost 90% of the things originally listed.  “Bathe dog” and “finish X” are the last things left that I’m aware of.  I do feel accomplished, and pretty good that the remaining things are manageable and well within sight.

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Ego check

I have an ego.

Professionally, this is a fact that I try to downplay, because the very presence of ego is popularly believed to be the antithesis of teamwork, and teamwork is a concept that is extremely looked highly upon in the working world. Never mind the fact that there are jobs and projects out there, where the optimal working condition does call for individuals to do individual work, when the day is over, egos are often perceived as negative, detrimental things, and that we should not have them at all, so all can remain harmonious and cohesive, in absofuckinglutely everything.

Yet we all do. Anyone who says they do not, is delusional and lying.

Now the size of said egos are up for debate, and are certainly on a case-by-case basis, but when the day is over, we all have them.

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When real life gets in the way

Especially after an event or a convention where I circulate cards out to try and steer people into visiting my website, I admittedly try to put on a little bit of a face for a little bit, to be slightly more interesting or engaging, to try and get people to possibly become one of my site’s regular six readers, and not necessarily just be a tourist to view and download pictures.

I try and post fairly relevant, or at least interesting things as fluff posts while I arduously slave away at trying to get my photos up as efficiently as possible, so I don’t lose the attention and potential repeat visits from viewers during the week(s) after said events/conventions.

Believe me, I have a lot of things I’d like to say about Dragon*Con, and I’m the type of nerd that jots down thoughts and notes, so I don’t forget them, and can revisit them when I’m in a more appropriate frame of mind to be writing about them.  And there are several things I’m eventually going to write about the convention, but very recently, I’ve admittedly been downtrodden by several things, and positive face in light of potential new viewers be damned, ultimately my brog exists for me to write out the things swirling around in my head, even if they’re not always the most positively entertaining things out there.

Basically, I left Dragon*Con in a fairly positive state of mind; as is often the case after a convention where I took a lot of pictures, I’m excited to get home and unload my camera and get to actually look at the pictures I took, and relax, gather my thoughts, and prepare for the week(s) of trying to come up with content for my site, as well as the long process of individually processing photos and trying to get them looking the best and up as quickly as possible.

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The obligatory pre-Dragon*Con post, circa 2015

I feel the need to post something like this, because ultimately, I do like to try and attempt to network and ultimately drive people to visit my site, and I guess it would probably be best if I had something at least mentioning Dragon*Con as the first thing seen, instead of something overly ranty, sports-related, or Atlanta-criticizing, making anyone I implore to visit my site see something that makes them stop and think “did I get the site right?”  I’m sure seeing like, Dikembe Mutombo might wonder if they’ve been duped into giving some sports blog an unwarranted hit or something.

No, if there’s ever anything that gets people to visit my site during/after Dragon*Con is simply the fact that I take pictures, and am somewhat of a reliable repository of photos that people might be able to see mediocre photography.

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It’s not you, it’s me

I’m going through an odd period, up in the noggin, if it hasn’t been obvious to my six regular readers.  I’m seldom excited by anything, I think I’m susceptible to some odd mood swings, and I’m often times feeling anxious or troubled by things that I’m not even sure I can really explain much less comprehend myself.  I stop wanting to communicate with people that I don’t have to communicate with, and I just want to kind of be by myself and hope the metaphorical cloudy weather passes without there being any harsh rains.

I spend a lot of time trying to figure things out myself, and it seems like each day brings another possible personal revelation to why it is I’m feeling the way I’m feeling.  However, as is the case with human beings, the mind is constantly moving, and some thoughts and ideas stick better than others, and some fade away or become forgotten.

Today’s thought process is surrounded with the desire to simply attempt to isolate and identify the things that are eating at me.  Granted, identifying them and trying to rationalize them isn’t going to instantly make me feel like I’ve found some miraculous cure or anything, but if for anything at all, at least it’s giving me something to write about, when the rest of the world is seemingly so stagnant and boring, or at least the rest of the world I feel comfortable seeking out, behind the prying eyes of a potential Big Brother.

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God, the world seems like such a depressing place

Whenever I get into these writing ruts, I typically try to rely on news to find things or topics that spark ideas or inspiration to write about.  Sometimes it’s local news, sometimes national, and sometimes worldly news.  The thing is, I’m looking for anything to spark a train of thought, and help me break the chains of a writer’s block.

Lately, even that’s been difficult, and I find myself sitting around feeling frustrated by the world at being so inadequate at providing me with inspiration, because everything I read is so downtrodden, depressing, and way too accommodating to the notion that if it bleeds, it leads.

Reading about local Atlanta news, it’s the same stories every day, of shootings here, shootings there, robberies in this place, car-jackings in that place.  And/or political corruption, or news that is so blatantly justifying towards the ideas that the people that run Atlanta, and the State of Georgia are about as crooked as cracks in the sidewalk.

So I look at sites like CNN, and look for news from a larger scope.  Bombings here, riots there, beheadings out in the Middle East, dear leader murdering people for no good reason out in North Korea, and then I just want to close my eyes and imagine a world where everyone weren’t so fixated on the tragic and gruesome as they are now.  I know I’m a pretty cynical person, but every now and then I prefer to not be so bombarded by horrific news from every single outlet, at every single level.

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I’m in a little bit of a rut

The subject says it all.  I do feel like I’m in a little bit of a rut right now.

Naturally, I’m fairly clueless to why this is the case, although I suspect it has to do with the summer vacation I never really wanted, the new job, the adaptation of a new routine, the feeling of starting over from square one in a way, and that I kind of feel like a little fish in a big pond.  I make more money than I did at my previous job, and my commute has literally been slashed in half, even if I am working on somewhat of an island that I occasionally fret has the potential to impact my social life.

I’m a grown up, and I should be able to deal with things like this better than I probably am, but for whatever reason, I still feel like I’m in a rut right now.

The most noticeable things to me is the fact that I’m having difficulty getting excited about things lately.  And I have some amazing things to look forward to in coming months; Dragon*Con, a possible drunken Disney escapade, and my first-ever trip to Europe.  I know that every single one of those thing will very likely be great, fun and memorable occasions, but I’m just having a hard time pumping myself up to truly get excited about them.

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