I’m in a bad place right now

I’m not going to sugar coat the fact that over the span of my last posts, things haven’t exactly been going swimmingly for me in my life.  As much as people of the internet bemoaned and stated how much of a dumpster fire that the year 2016 was, I’d have to say that 2017 hasn’t exactly been a drastic improvement over the year removed.  If anything at all, I would say that I’ve been more stressed, more emotionally drained and more taxed this year than I was last.

So to update from the last time I sat down and wrote for a site that’s still down and out of commission, Jen and I finished moving out of the house.  The house is not only empty and completely vacated, it’s up on the market, and doing surprisingly well in terms of buyer interest and awareness that it’s on the market.  Obviously, interest does not equal it actually selling, so only time will tell just what happens with all these people and realtors marching in and out of my house on parade because I can see it happening because I still have security cameras that let me see timestamps of when people come and go.

Getting the house prepared for listing was a tremendously taxing task both physically and emotionally.  Every single day for just under two weeks, weekday and weekend, was spent painting walls, patching up gaps or holes in walls, painting walls, cleaning out belongings, painting walls, cleaning floors and painting walls. 

Painting walls is pretty much the worst activity ever.

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It’s not you, it’s me

I’m going through an odd period, up in the noggin, if it hasn’t been obvious to my six regular readers.  I’m seldom excited by anything, I think I’m susceptible to some odd mood swings, and I’m often times feeling anxious or troubled by things that I’m not even sure I can really explain much less comprehend myself.  I stop wanting to communicate with people that I don’t have to communicate with, and I just want to kind of be by myself and hope the metaphorical cloudy weather passes without there being any harsh rains.

I spend a lot of time trying to figure things out myself, and it seems like each day brings another possible personal revelation to why it is I’m feeling the way I’m feeling.  However, as is the case with human beings, the mind is constantly moving, and some thoughts and ideas stick better than others, and some fade away or become forgotten.

Today’s thought process is surrounded with the desire to simply attempt to isolate and identify the things that are eating at me.  Granted, identifying them and trying to rationalize them isn’t going to instantly make me feel like I’ve found some miraculous cure or anything, but if for anything at all, at least it’s giving me something to write about, when the rest of the world is seemingly so stagnant and boring, or at least the rest of the world I feel comfortable seeking out, behind the prying eyes of a potential Big Brother.

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God, the world seems like such a depressing place

Whenever I get into these writing ruts, I typically try to rely on news to find things or topics that spark ideas or inspiration to write about.  Sometimes it’s local news, sometimes national, and sometimes worldly news.  The thing is, I’m looking for anything to spark a train of thought, and help me break the chains of a writer’s block.

Lately, even that’s been difficult, and I find myself sitting around feeling frustrated by the world at being so inadequate at providing me with inspiration, because everything I read is so downtrodden, depressing, and way too accommodating to the notion that if it bleeds, it leads.

Reading about local Atlanta news, it’s the same stories every day, of shootings here, shootings there, robberies in this place, car-jackings in that place.  And/or political corruption, or news that is so blatantly justifying towards the ideas that the people that run Atlanta, and the State of Georgia are about as crooked as cracks in the sidewalk.

So I look at sites like CNN, and look for news from a larger scope.  Bombings here, riots there, beheadings out in the Middle East, dear leader murdering people for no good reason out in North Korea, and then I just want to close my eyes and imagine a world where everyone weren’t so fixated on the tragic and gruesome as they are now.  I know I’m a pretty cynical person, but every now and then I prefer to not be so bombarded by horrific news from every single outlet, at every single level.

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Taking a breather

Something not very good has happened, and I do not want to talk about it yet.

I can’t say that I’m not going to be posting anything at all until things settle down, because who knows I see something and feel overwhelming inspiration to write about it, but I think it’s safe to bet that I’m going to probably err on sticking to this self-imposed timeout until things settle down.

There is a likely definitive conclusion to this, and it won’t be too long, but frankly, I don’t feel like writing or even really attempting to do so right now, and it’ll probably be that way until it’s over with.

Feelin’ mediocre

I’m having one of those afternoons where I am disappointed, dejected and more or less bummed out.  Naturally, I had a train cart full of thoughts and emotions swirling around my head while I was driving home, but now that I’m behind the keys, I can’t seem to put any words down to convey how I’m feeling.

For starters, it all began with the fact that my submission didn’t make it into the Capcom Fighting Tribute book being released by Udon.  I knew the odds of getting in were pretty slim, given the fact that I was years out of practice when it comes to illustrating, but I honestly thought that I had a pretty winning idea, that if the right people understood what I was trying to convey, I might have a shot, on a humor route.  I liked my idea more than my art, and you can’t hit home runs if you don’t step to the plate, so regardless, I sent my submission out, and waited the month of anticipation and excitement with an alleged thousands of artists.

I can’t say I’m the least bit surprised when I found out that I didn’t make it into the book, because frankly there are a billion outrageously good artists out there in the world who make my best shot look like a toddler’s drawing of the American flag with seven stars and four stripes, and many more that won’t/didn’t get into the book much like me.  However, it doesn’t change the fact that I feel kind of crushed and defeated, nonetheless.

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Salvation, thy name is exercise

When I get into a bad mood, my eyes tend to always focus higher than usual.  It’s like, if you were to be staring at me, you might think I’m looking you in the eyes, but in reality, my point of focus would be on your eyebrows.  But on a general scale, my point of focus tends to raise an inch or two, when I’m feeling upset.

I don’t necessarily know why that is, but lately it’s been occurring more than I’d probably be liking it to.  But I don’t know what’s really going on lately, but people can’t stop saying things that irk me, people I work with can’t stop being incompetent at their jobs, and when my mood goes sour, my general attention span and tolerance for the redundant reduce drastically, and I’m kind of just over, existence, to say the least.

I was running on the treadmill, building up a good sweat, and occasionally thoughts that serve as the stimulus for some of my brog posts come to mind.  During my general state of discontent with the world, it occurred to me that the gym, but more specifically the act of physical exercise seems to be a great outlet from the rest of my small little world.

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The anatomy of a blue day

Typically whenever I’m feeling blue, I can usually take solace in the notion that I can sleep it off, and I’ll be alright the following morning.  Logically, it doesn’t make any sense other than a convenient literal idea that we’re closing the book on one day, and that the next day is truly a brand new page for us to begin writing on.  But usually it works, and things simply feel better just because it’s not the same day when you were feeling down.

Such is kind of the case at the time I’m writing this now, as I do feel a little bit better than I did the day prior despite the fact that other than downtrodden emotions in my mind, there was absolutely nothing physically wrong with me.  However, this doesn’t mean that I can’t continue to think about and try and hypothesize the things in my head that put me in a dour mood.

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