The Substance was one of the best movies I’ve seen in a long time

In one hand, I don’t throw this claim around lightly – I think that I can be picky about the things that I really like, and I’ve been told a bunch of times in my life that I’m a difficult person to impress, where it’s not necessarily intended to be that complimentary as much as it is an accusation of being excessively picky.

However, in the other hand, I don’t watch a tremendous amount of movies to where I’m remotely close to some wizened film expert whose opinion should be taken beyond a grain of salt, and I’d be the first person to disclaim such when explaining why I liked this movie, or any film that anyone wishes to discuss with me.

Anyway, The Substance: I do believe that it was one of the best movies I’ve seen in a long time, and it was one of those situations where I’m ¾ through the film and I’m just thinking about how interesting and enjoyable of a watching experience the whole thing had been, and coming to the conclusion that this really has been one of the better films I’ve seen in a long time.

It’s interesting too, because I recall this movie came out quite some time ago (2024), long enough to where I remember it being talked about on The Howard Stern Show, when I still had a SiriusXM preview active,  since there’s a tremendous amount of skin shown in the film.  But for people like me, if it’s not available on a streaming service, it might as well not exist, and just recently did it makes its way onto HBO Go Max Max, thus coming into official existence as far as I was concerned, and mythical wife went ahead and started up when we were at one of those weird crossroads where we didn’t want to start another show, and just wanted something singular and hopefully entertaining to be a pallet cleanser in between shows, and for me it was one of those welp, it’s started, time to watch it, experiences.

From start to finish, I found the film to be cinematographically wonderful, with lots of colorful and aesthetically stimulating shots and scenes, the art direction was inspiring and I loved the whole branding mission The Substance parent company embarked on with their dedication to branding everything they produced as far as packaging and messaging went.  The score was catchy and I enjoyed the rhythmic techno beat that seemed to permeate throughout the whole film.

The word I’d use to best describe The Substance is “visceral” because man, do they not shy away from close-in macro shooting of anything from slovenly scarfing down shrimp cocktails, administering stitches, to all sorts of gruesome, gory, taboo acts that make people like me cringe and/or whip out my phone and try to look away instead of watching more.

And of course, the story was thought-provoking and poignant and if it makes me think about life, and what I’d do in such circumstances, then I think it’s a case of upper echelon storytelling.

The ending section of the film goes so off the rails and bonkers, that I have to imagine that it was probably a wildly entertaining sequence to have been present in a theater full of people when it occurred.  And when it concludes, I was left having felt entertained, satisfied and in an overall good headspace because I had been entertained and inspired, and eager to sing the praises of the film for succeeding at all of the above.

I told mythical wife after we were done watching it, that I thought that this was probably the best movie I’d seen the whole year, and in the grand spectrum of things, it really was one of the better films that I’ve seen in a long time.  I still think about it, and one of the biggest compliments I could give a film is that if I were to walk into a room and it were on, I’d watch it again without much complaint about needing to better utilize my limited free time and watch things that I hadn’t seen before.

Shitty game alert for parents #2: Crazy 8’s by GamesHub

I don’t know how my family came upon this game, but when my kids brought it out and asked if they could play, my knee-jerk reaction was, oh cool, this seems like a pretty age-appropriate game that my kids can probably get.  But after about 15 minutes and the game not ending, my mind started formulating this post, and pondering that if I really wanted to commit, I could probably create a lengthy series of questionable toys/games being made, for the kids of today.

The premise of Crazy 8’s is kind of like a really junior-fied version of Uno; the cards have colors and numbers, and the objective of the game is to empty out your hand before everyone else.  8’s act as the wild cards that the player who plays it can dictate what number or color comes next.  There is no calling for Uno, nor are their any malicious Draw Twos or Fours, but the way the game is, there may as well be Draw Twelve, due to the systemic flaws of this game in general.

In all fairness, it’s not really so much a shitty game as it is just poorly balanced and becomes a nigh impossible game to win under certain conditions, especially when playing against a five- and four-year-olds who want to try and bend the rules as soon as their attention span begins to wane.

Basically, there is an extremely disproportionate amount of yellow and greens versus all the other colors; 12 yellows, eight greens, four reds, blues, pinks and four eights.  The number 10 cards effectively add four yellows and blues due to them being two digits of different colors, but the point remains that there are way too many yellows and greens, and not enough of any other color.

As games progress, and everyone gets a gist of the rules, inevitably player 1 has no reds or pinks after another player 2 plays an 8 and asks for one of them, so player 1 keeps picking cards until they can find a red or a pink or an eight, but because there’s so few number of cards in general, player 2 or 3 is already sitting on all the reds and pinks, so player 1 ends up with a boatload of yellows or greens, and the game turns into this perpetual stalemate of changing up the colors with eights, nobody having the swapped color, and then another eight being played on top of it, and asking for a color that nobody else has.

My kids and I have played five games of this, two of which I won, #2 won once, and the other two my kids losing interest because they wouldn’t ever end.  My kids became wise enough to the game’s system to know that I probably had all the green cards, and every time I played an eight and declared the next card to be green, they’d just draw out enough cards to get another eight, and switch it back to pink, and then the cycle would just repeat until we realized it was a push.

Even expanding on the rules and trying to incorporate accessories like party hats or glasses as a variable to switch things up fell flat, because there just aren’t enough cards or variables to make it a viable expansion.

Either way, this is a game that has some potential, but the lowest of ceilings of quality before any players with brains basically break it due to critical systemic flaws.

So, shitty game alert it has, and I would advise all other parents not to spend any money on this, and even consider covertly regifting it if acquired as a gift.