Unfortunately, due to the fact that I watch both sports as well as professional wrestling, I fall into the target demographic of men who simply do not have any understanding of personal hygiene, despite the fact that I think I take care of myself fairly adequately. That being said, I’m subject to a lot of commercials like this one about men’s deodorant that are obnoxious, and of course, stupid.
The basic synopsis of this commercial is that the spazz of a protagonist is getting his haircut at like Great Clips or some other place where dudes get their hair cut. In fact, when I was seeking this on YouTube, I was perplexed as to why I wasn’t finding it on Great Clips’ YouTube channel, before realizing that it wasn’t even a Great Clips commercial at all. Take the whole deodorant plugs out of this commercial, and it might make an adequate Great Clips commercial in its own right.
But anyway, Spazz is getting his haircut and is concerned by the hair that’s falling before his very eyes. He’s more concerned that the big fat woman cutting his hair isn’t really paying attention to his hair, and is having an internal freakout about the whole situation. She’s busy speaking to another big fat woman, and when she routinely asks him if he’s doing well, like a spineless pussy he reflexively answers “YES,” while his brain admonishes him. Look, I know that people say not to fuck with the people holding scissors and cutting your hair, but if they’re not doing something right, you have every right in the world to let them know that you’re logically concerned. Instead, Spazz sits there and resigns his fate to what the hair cutter does to him, as the Speed Stick plugs schill their pore-clogging anti-perspirant.
And this is where the commercial gets stupid. The smock comes off, and voila, he’s Lance Bass. He glances to his side, and some big fat woman is smiling flirtatiously at him. Spazz Bass is satisfied by his ability to attract women beneath his potential, smirks to the camera, and thinks the money line “Still got it.“
Look, I know it makes me sound like a gargantuan asshole to say it, but the chick they got to play the token attractive girl to dupe ordinary men into thinking wearing Speed Stick will help them attract the ladies is about as monumental of a failure as Nickelback’s career, or the Liam Neeson Battleship film. I’m no prize, I’m aware, but the girl is fat. It’s not like Topanga from Boy Meets World or Elizabeth Shue from the original Karate Kid kind of extra five pounds fat, it’s like the chubby girl caught in the perpetual downward spiral of needing dudes to be inebriated to get laid, but by pursuing such she hangs out in bars in central Florida a lot and drinks and eats too much bar food and progressively gets worse. And her hair is kind of gross, and you can see her natural roots showing through. None of which would really be noticed if she were hot.
But really, the United States is full of superficially attractive people who would be willing to sit in a chair and smile flirtatiously for one second of television time on a nationally-aired commercial for a fairly mainstream commercial HBC product. Am I really supposed to believe that whomever filmed this seriously couldn’t have found a more attractive looking woman to play this role? Was there no attractive college intern or someone on the catering or janitorial staff that was available to stick in a chair for a second of air time?
I’m a guy, which means I’m dumb. I’m supposed to see this commercial, and if a hot chick appears on the screen, I’m supposed to think “oh shit! Time to go out and get some Speed Stick!” But with this commercial, I can’t have that reaction. Failure to advertise effectively makes a commercial stupid.
Irony though? I actually already use Speed Stick. But not this POWER shit they’re schilling, I use a regular deodorant instead.
Note to self: if/when my opinions about this commercial get/are seen by anyone affiliated with Speed Stick, and like Subway, take it off their YouTube channel, here’s an alternate link.
