I can’t remember when exactly it was, but I’m going to have to say that it was between the grades of either 5-7, in which I had to do a report on the peregrine falcon. Now that I’m dwelling back on it, I’m pretty sure it was when I was in the seventh grade, because my science class was first period, and I had this teacher that was kind of racist in the fact that she was over-the-top nice to the world, but always pushed her veiled black power agenda on the rest of the class (aka replacing the name “Wite OutTM to Black Out”) but that’s beside the point. When I was in the seventh grade I did a report on the peregrine falcon.
Obviously the subject matter was endangered species, and I was assigned the peregrine falcon. I don’t remember a whole lot about the report other than the fact that peregrine falcons were in fact, endangered species, and how all publications back then were leaned towards blaming human beings for being the cause of all the destruction of nature, and subsequently the reduction in peregrine falcon numbers throughout the years.
I also remember that this was one of those scenarios in which being an artist was completely beneficial to my success, because like one of my friends back in the day, we both kind of last-second jobbed our reports. The difference was that I presented mine way better, and with an artistic flair, and I probably managed to hide the fact that I was probably beneath the required word count, but damn did my presentation look cool in the end. I vaguely remember getting a B or something, while he did not, and had a talkin’ to after class, about how obvious it was that he had half-assed it at the last second.
Anyway, something you may or may not know about me, but I’m a fan of nature shows. I don’t necessarily know why that is, but it’s probably due to the fact that I have a deep childhood memory of sitting in my parents’ room watching them with my dad because he liked them for some reason. But Discovery Channel is running a series of nature shows called North America, which I’ve nerdily set a DVR timer for. And in the most recent episode that I watched, they had a segment on the peregrine falcon.
If I had known just how awesome of a bird this was back in the seventh grade, I probably would have gotten an A on my report for sure. But aside from the fact that the peregrine falcon is an endangered species, it’s one hell of a fighting bird.
The segment basically starts off with a peregrine falcon mother snatching a pigeon right out of the air, killing it with its talons instantly. While it’s feeding its two baby falcons dead pigeon, a flock of five pelicans comes innocuously flying by. But because peregrine falcons are such aggressive territorial creatures, not to mention that this particular one was an overbearingly protective mother, it squawked at them to scare them off. The pelicans clearly had no interest in the falcon babies, but apparently they didn’t get out of the mother falcon’s perceived territorial airspace, so the mother falcon took off after these pelicans that the narrator was quick to point out were each five-times larger than a peregrine falcon.
Didn’t matter. In basically what was the equivalent of humans in their dated jets and bombers against the alien ships from Independence Day, the peregrine falcon mother chased each and every single one of the pelicans in the air, and clawed them in the faces. And despite the fact that pelicans are born with the gift of flight, apparently, the slightest forced alteration of their equilibrium in mid-flight causes them to go down like a house of cards. One-by-one, the falcon mother nipped and clawed the pelicans, and they all went smashing into the San Francisco bay waters. Whether they died or not wasn’t mentioned, but it didn’t really matter, because one single peregrine falcon just owned the shit out of five bigger pelicans.
And before there could truly be a happy ending, some snake decided to try and capitalize on the absence of the mother falcon. It slithered up along the sandy cliff wall, its tongue whipping out back and forth and tasting the air, knowing that there was some scrumptious baby falcons waiting to be devoured.
It never made it. Because out of nowhere, the peregrine falcon mother swooped in, and clawed the snake and flicked it off of the side of the cliff, also down into the bay.
So in a three minute segment, a single peregrine falcon dispatched of a pigeon, five pelicans, and some predatory snake, all while defending its turf, protecting its young, and feeding them to boot.
I had no idea that peregrine falcons ruled so much.
