So, in an attempt to entice even the most jaded baseball fans into the dying home of the likely worst-team in Major League Baseball, the Atlanta Braves rolled out a bunch of crazy food items to try and appeal to the appetites for garbage food instead of competitive baseball. Among them was this ridiculous cheeseburger, with two pan pizzas as buns, dubbed the “Burgerizza.” I may have posted about this prior to the start of the season, but I can’t exactly go back and check since my site is still down.
Well, in the case of me, it worked. I knew that I had to go to a Braves game, if for anything at all, to eat this delicious-looking abomination. This is also why I’m fat, but that’s beside the point.
Admittedly, I had some reservations about it, because a month prior, I had failed to defeat one of the other Braves food abominations, the tater tot waffle. It was just so starchy and carb-y, and filled me up so quickly, that I could only make it through 3/4 of it before tapping out. In terms of mass, the Burgerizza was larger, and at $26, it was more expensive, which meant that I was risking throwing away even more money in case I couldn’t complete it.
But YOLO, I decided to do it anyway, because I like to say it’s because I’m a man, and I wanted to redeem myself for a prior poor showing. So, in a game where the Braves hosted the Milwaukee Brewers, and my other brother was in town to visit and we ended up getting $45 lower-level tickets for $7 a pop because the Braves suck, I took on the Burgerizza.
I had a pran too; I would eat fairly quickly, so that my body wouldn’t register that it was getting full as quickly. I made sure to eat the meat of the burger, and leave all the pizza crusts for the end, because the beef patties would lose their luster the longer it went, while crusts are things that are easily something that can be coasted on throughout the duration of a baseball game, if it came to it.
Fortunately, I was very hungry, and it turned out that the combination of a pizza with hamburger patties, was unsurprisingly, delicious. It took me no time to destroy the first quadrant of the Burgerizza. It took me no time to finish the second. I wasn’t even thinking through the third, and before I knew it, I was polishing off the fourth. By the time the crusts were left, my brother and I were walking through parts of Turner Field he would never see again, since he’s from out of town.
And with like, nearly a full hour before first pitch, I had finished off the last of the crust, and the Burgerizza was no more.
To say I dominated it would be an understatement, as I polished it off as easily as Brock Lesnar beat John Cena at SummerSlam 2014. I thought my celebratory beer would turn the mush in my gut into concrete, but I was pretty much fine afterward. By the time the later innings came around, and the Braves were still down in a game they would ultimately lose, I could realistically have eaten more food, if it wouldn’t cost me a baseball arm and leg.
The verdict is that the Burgerizza was pretty god damn delicious, and between it and the tater tot waffle, it’s the easy superior, and the best food item that Turner Field has had since, well, ever. It’s a shame that it’s only at the very end, could the Ted actually serve something that’s kind of close in worth to what they actually charge for it.
