It’s no secret that I make a lot of observations at the gym; it’s one of the great settings for the observation of mankind to occur, as it’s at the gym and the ensuing locker room in which the male species has a tendency to strip away societal norms to their truest selves, whether it’s extreme narcissism, misogyny, douchebaggery, or all of the above.
At my current gym, it’s unmistakable that the vast majority of the members are about as white as Paul Ryan’s interns, so naturally this doesn’t just open the door, it kicks it open for ridicule and judgment at how insufferably white it is. And I’ve already pointed out whether in writing or not, many of the so-white behaviors of the locker room, whether it’s bitching about European vacations, tariffs affecting their businesses, or my recent favorite, the fact that there are quite a number of them who show up to the gym, don’t work out, but still take a shower; and then lie about what they did at the gym today to any colleagues that happen to be present.
However, I have noticed another thing recently that’s caught my fascination, and that’s the immense precision that Ben Afflecks put forth towards styling their hair. The way my gym locker room is set up, the toilets, urinals, sinks and the accompanying mirrors are like in this separate alcove away from the rest of the lockers and showers. So when I’m done dressing out, and I want to go fix my own hair in the mirror, there’s always a good chance that I’ll turn the corner into the sink/toilet alcove and then every sink will have Ben Affleck standing in front them, with them very precisely working on their hair.
The thing is though, when it comes to Ben Affleck hair, aside from bald or balding, there’s really only like two styles out there: Finn Wittrock, or Jason Biggs. Every other white guy on the planet is basically an amalgamation of one of those two guys’ existing hair styles, and anything that is dramatically different from them are trying way too hard in life to begin with.
Despite the fact that Jason Biggs demonstrated himself in American Pie that it really only takes 17 seconds to fix Ben Affleck hair, the guys in my locker room will take upwards of nearly 5-10 minutes in order to place each individual strand in place before the work day. It’s absolutely fascinating the care and precision Ben Afflecks will put into their hair, despite the fact that most of them barely have any in the first place, and that they all are practically identical from one another.
I can’t express how many times I’ve had to wait for a sink to vacate because Ben Affleck was moving 7 strands of centimeter-length hair to the precise spot on their forehead, when it literally takes me less than 7 seconds to style my own hair into what I guess is kind of my signature look over the last 7 years or so. And every time it occurs, my ire is raised, and then it becomes fodder for the brog, because in this day and age, the bullshit of Ben Affleck is on very short leashes, and I’m always on the lookout for something to write about.
