I’ve been a little bit in the pits lately, and it’s one of those situations where I think about the things that are making me feel down, and they bring me down more, and starts this cycle of negative thinking that only gets gradually worse and worse if I don’t talk about it and admit that I’m feeling a little depressed.
Firstly, by no means necessary is any of my recent funk on account of my precious baby child doing anything wrong; if anything at all, she’s the one steady and greatest and brightest thing in my life, as should not really be of a surprise, and frankly, my only woes in regards to my child is that I feel guilty that I’m not enjoying my paternity time as much as I probably should.
Sure, I’d love to be able to take her out of the house and go and see things, but in in the coronavirus-addled world we live in, such isn’t necessarily a good idea, not to mention the feed and nap routine we’re trying to constantly reinforce doesn’t exactly make it convenient to leave the house and expect to enjoy ourselves and be back at the bassinet approximately two hours later. But there are admittedly times in which I feel like I’m failing as a father, by not always having an idea or things to do with my child, and I’m always worried that I’m boring her or not stimulating her enough to where that budding developing brain is actually growing.
I don’t handle with particular stresses very well, and in the case of my house, which has had some recent issues due to the bipolar Georgia weather, I’m frustrated and aggravated at how long and how much it’s going to cost to get things fixed, and if I stop and think about all the moving parts in play, it tends to get me all anxious with annoyance, which doesn’t help.
To boil it down, my skylight issue was an easy solve, since that was basically a $430 caulk job that has prevented further moisture from getting in, but the window issue I’m having, is going to be substantially more, and I’m in this situation where I’m wondering if I had hired an actual window company from the onset instead of assuming it was just a simple caulk job here too, and hiring a handyman, would’ve saved me a tremendous amount of time, money and aggravation, instead of the route that I’m on right now. But because I’ve already committed, I’m doing myself a favor and not finding out, because if it turns out to be a substantial savings on all accounts, I’m just going to end up way more perturbed than I already am.
So I decided to go with a local handyman, because he’s nice, seems honest enough, and I’ve already learned that he’s a hard-working father of six who clearly needs the business and I’m an empathetic sucker who wants to give him business, but at the same time, his turnaround hasn’t been the fastest, mostly on account of the aforementioned bipolar Georgia weather, but also the fact that being a one-man operation, he doesn’t have all the necessary equipment of his own, and put the onus on me to rent a scissor lift, so he can get 26 feet high to deal with this high-ass window.
Also, I’m putting blind faith in a person I don’t really know, to do the right thing when it comes to operating a scissor lift that’s really not meant to be operated on grass and pray to god he doesn’t get it stuck or fuck it up, because then the cost of that shit is most definitely on me. All I can really do to punish this guy is blast him on the internet, and leave him a shitty review on Thumbtack if he fucks up, but there’s nothing that says he can’t just cut and run if shit hits the fan.
Ultimately, there’s a ton of trust and hope in a guy to do the job right and successfully, when there are plenty of red flags, mostly because I’m a sucker who wants to shop small and help the little guy, but there’s a tremendous amount of risk I’m assuming in the process, and I don’t even know if this repair should really cost this much at all. Bottom line is that I hope one way or another, all of this nonsense is resolved today, and I don’t have to worry about it beyond today, that’s all I really want.
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Something else that knocked me down a peg recently, is that I was outright rejected for a job that I honestly thought I should’ve probably gotten at least a callback or some form of communication other than the generic form email that all failed applicants get. I know it’s silly to get any sort of entitlement to such luxuries in the competitive job market we live in, but I had some very specific qualifications and industry requirements that I felt would surely get me some sort of contact, but I was clearly mistaken.
Nobody likes rejection in the first place, but honestly, yeah, I thought there was the potential that I was willing to take a step backwards professionally, for a step forwards in terms of title and potentially pay, and I was a little off-put that I was turned down. Yeah I know the arrogance and first-world problem nature of such a situation, but still, it did add a turd into my punch bowl that I didn’t need compounding my current angst.
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Why was I looking for work? No, nothing is nuclear with my current job, but when the day is over, I’m never not looking for potential career moves, especially if it’s for the right reasons. I’m long past the days of thinking everything is going to be hunky-dory on a daily basis, and am ready to settle down for the rest of my career, and it’s naïve of me to think that things couldn’t ever not turn south, and to not have any feelers out in the waters in the event anything does.
Admittedly, things at work aren’t entirely peaches and cream either, and I did feel like I went into paternity time on a little bit of a sour note, but it’s nothing that I can’t handle when I go back, but I figured if there were ever a good as time as any to keep my eyes peeled, it’s when I’m not at work. I do feel a little bit of dread of going back, and that’s definitely not a good thing, because if there’s one thing that I’ve experienced in my life is being mentally unprepared to go back to work, so I’ve got the next month to get my shit mentally back together, otherwise it’s going to be an uncomfortable time when I report back in.
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Ultimately it all amounts to the notion that there are many external factors that are distracting me from enjoying my paternity time as much as I feel like I should be, and the thought of that alone is enough to cause guilt in itself which brings me down a little bit more.
This is where I’m hoping admitting to my frustrations and putting things out in writing can help me confront my issues, but most importantly, get the fuck over them, so that I can enjoy and appreciate the time I’m getting to have with my child, and not be so bogged down with a whole bunch of things that are really out of my control, because this is the time in which I really should be treasuring more than I currently am.
