Seeing as how my wife shared the news on social media, I figure now is as good as time as any to finally break my own silence on this monumental news.
Originally written on December 1, 2020
We were watching 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way when mythical wife dropped the suspecting revelation on me. The queasiness she was feeling over the day might not necessarily been from the ramen the night before. The last time she felt this kind of nausea… and then there was the admission that a particular monthly event had not happened in a minute.
The next thing I know, I’m driving to Walgreens at 11pm on a Monday night, because we both felt the need to know what we already suspected was going to be the case with the circumstances that were already in play. The last time we had this conversation like this, it was already a foregone conclusion and the test was merely a formality for visual confirmation of the obvious.
A second child was always something that my wife and I were open to. She being an only child, knew the general loneliness that comes with growing up with no live-in sibling, and me, I grew up with a big sister, and there’s a pattern within my generation of cousins is that everyone has two kids, so it seemed like something that was bound to happen. Fortunately, becoming a father and parent has been something I’ve taken to pretty well if I say so myself, and the idea of a second child never really seemed intimidating beyond the notion that my time will be stretched even thinner in the coming years and to have to go through teething with another baby gives me anxiety, but the idea itself was never off the table.
One thing I’ve learned about myself throughout the year is that I have a tremendous amount of love to give, and I have no doubt in my mind that I won’t have any shortage for another kid.
We just didn’t expect it to happen so quickly and so soon, as we’re just days away from our first child’s ninth month since birth.
At this point, all I can really do is laugh about the situation. It didn’t feel like the out-of-body punch in the gut with a big bass drop sound effect in my head like the first go around, and both of us did not really have that anxious feeling of teetering on the edge of panic, and our experience appeared to show at how rational and honest we could be from the onset of this news.
Korean culture is all about 빨리, 빨리 which translates to “hurry, hurry” as in Koreans do shit quickly and expediently, and despite the fact that I’m American born and raised, my genetics and Korean origins do not fail to defy cultural expectations. I’ve often questioned myself wondering what specific things I am exceptionally good at, and apparently this just so happens to be it. 😬
Perhaps I should look into getting some work done after #2, so that we don’t have any more unexpected surprises in the future; because as far as I’m concerned, two kids was the cap, and our immediate family will be full – turn around!
But big picture, this is definitely good news, as far as I’m concerned. Happy news, if it’s not clear. I love being a father, and I can take gratification that my family is growing and my children won’t have to be lonely growing up. As silly as making plans sometimes can be, the one for our family will be completed, and we can kind of relax and take solace in that all we have to focus on is what’s in front of us, and not a what-if.
Despite our trepidation at this happening so soon and a little earlier than we would have hoped to begin trying, there’s plenty of good to come from this. We won’t have to go through the frustration and anxiety that I’ve known plenty of people who have had the unfortunate situation of going through of being unsuccessful. I also won’t have hit 40 years old by the time my second arrives, and silly as it sounds, was something that I had a lot of reluctance to wrap my brain around, being a newborn dad at the age of 40, despite the fact that there are many out there that do it regularly.
Furthermore, all of the tools, gadgets and clothes that we’ve accrued over the last year and change in preparation for our first, is still all somewhat still fresh and accessible, and just as we’ve begun doing some cursory cleaning and packing of things no longer needed, they won’t have a lot of time to collect dust before they’ll all be in use all over again.
Generally, I have a belief that our experience as parents once will put us in a far more positive and better equipped position for the second time around. In spite of the seemingly quick turn, everything generally feels fresh, and it’s almost like it’s going to be continuation of the first child with how soon we’ll be back to the grind of late nights, lack of sleep, constant bottles and diapers, and of course, the inevitable teething that is the worst thing in the world when it comes to raising a baby.
Make no mistake though, all of this does not come without its share of anxieties and concerns either. We will, obviously be raising two under two, and the next few years will undoubtedly be a colossal challenge that I hope we don’t ever underestimate. I’ve also been toying around with the idea of changing jobs, but with a second child on the way, it definitely will make me think twice, three times about whether or not it’s a truly good idea to embark on.
The house we moved into to a few years ago that was huge for two, will seem suddenly smaller to four, despite the fact that we have the necessary space and bedrooms to accommodate everyone. But we’ll lose our designated guest room, and selfishly, my office will ultimately become the guest room in the future. And to think I was just recently thinking about redecorating the entire thing, and plotting ideas of how to incorporate a blackjack table up in here.
But my biggest mental hurdle is that I feel a lot of guilt to my firstborn, already. I know we’re a long way from the arrival of our second, but I fear that my attention will be diverted from time to time by someone who isn’t even here yet, that I’ll take something away from my first. And that gives me great guilt and sadness already, because she’s the greatest treasure in my entire life as it is now, and I fear that I’ll fall short at being able to give her world that I think she absolutely deserves, because people like me sometimes have the tendency to lose sight of the present when thinking about the future.
I don’t even want to refer to her as a big sister yet, because she’s not done yet being the baby, not even close.
To no surprise, all of this is one gigantic mental roller coaster for a headcase like me. I am happy at the news I’m sharing here, but it does not come without its own share of concerns and deep thoughts. Who knows, by the time I get around to actually posting this, I could be in a completely different state of mind, hopefully more happy and excited. But I definitely have no intention of sharing these words until we’re in a little bit of a safer place as far as development goes, and I’m hoping the reception of it will be as happy and joyous to others as it is for us.
All I really know is, sooner rather than later, here we go again. If you’re reading this, I probably love you too. And that’s one thing, I’m okay with being full of.
