A weekend at the faire – One cougar, to rule them all

After Sarah and I watched the teenage pregnancy couple walking away, our eyes did not go bored again much longer, because this immaculate specimen came into our lives very shortly afterward. All weekend long, I had been singing the Cougarlife.com jingle that I had been hearing on Sirius since I’ve gotten it, and therefore, all women with semblance of children, or looked like they had children were being labeled cougars, all weekend long. This one, we ended up calling the Queen of Cougars (who ranks just below the Fairy Godcougar whom was unphotographable), despite the fact that we saw that she was technically married still, which meant that she was not the definitive, divorced mother cougar, but it certainly didn’t mean she didn’t go on the prowl looking for sex with younger men. Didn’t matter though, because she was a total cougar, whether or not she realized it.

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A weekend at the faire – Teenage pregnancy forthcoming

Oh you thought I was done with the Renfest photos and stories? Oh hell no.

Oh dude, these sky chairs are sweet. I’m soooo comfortable in them!

Aww, but what about meeeee? Where am I going to siiiiit?

Huh huh… c’mere baby, why don’t you sit on my lap…

Noooowoooo… we can’t do that right hereeeeee..!

Sure you can babe /proceeds to attempt to finger her in public

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What’s douchier than people who drive BMW cars?

Guys who drive BMW motorcycles.  There’s a guy in the office that needs to let everyone know that he drives a BMW motorcycle, indicative by the way he’s always wearing his fluorescent green BMW “air shell” jacket in the office, despite the fact that it’s 87 degrees in the City of Atlanta right now.  And the way he perches his fluorescent green BMW helmet on the edge of his desk, so that everyone who walks by or looks down the corridor can see it, like a beacon of douchiness in the office.  I have to imagine that when he’s in his full autocross get-up, he looks like a fucking lightning bug humping a football, or at least, like someone who ate something radioactive.

Needless to say, having been here for the last two months, I’ve got a fairly good grasp of the people who work here, and most importantly for the sake of conversation, the people I don’t really care for, and are capable of griping about in brog format.  Furthermore, I’ve been here long enough to where I now feel entitled to gripe about my job, more so than when I was here, greener than Lex Luger.

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A weekend at the faire – Hipsters fashion faux pas

I couldn’t help but wonder when looking at these two hipster douches, “did they plan on going to the ren faire dressed practically identically?”  I mean look at them, with their surreptitiously similar red plaid shirts, skinny jeans, gay lace-less shoes, one with a mop-top, one with a Bieber, both of them smoking cigars, trying to do their best impressions of being men.

Seriously, I have to ask, was this deliberate?  As far as I’m concerned, it’s not just for women to be abhorred by a friend inadvertently dressing similarly to them, because two dudes dressed alike without planning it is kinda gay.  In fact, it’s kinda gay if it’s premeditated as well.  So conclusively, either these two hipster douches are in fact gay, or simply aren’t aware that it’s okay for one of them to go back inside and change for the sake of not looking so gay.

Regardless, considering they were at a Renaissance faire, these two hipster douches somehow managed to look like the gayest people on the premises.  Congraturation?

A weekend at the faire – The MILF ass like the rock that held Excalibur

She obviously works out. Genetics and age have been kind to this one, her husband, and her kids.

Considering the standard faire garb is typically giant flowing dresses, and tight corsets, Renaissance Faires are typically places to go see lots of tits and cleavage, and not really so much the ass. Now I do like me the titties as much as the next guy, but I’m more easily distracted when I see a great ass. Needless to say, my expectations for seeing such eye candy are slightly negated at a Renaissance Faire.

But, the Georgia faire is in April, May, and June, and if the temperature is warm, then the short shorts and Daisy Dukes come out. God bless short shorts and Daisy Dukes.

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A weekend at the faire – In THIS family, Hubby < Precious

It was no different than when I used to work there regularly a long, long time ago; parents who decked out their baby strollers in “Renaissancy” handkerchiefs and other pieces of flair to get in the spirit of going to the faire, despite not really doing anything for themselves.  We saw these people coming down the hill with the initial horde of patrons for the day, and at first, it was no big deal – just another couple with a decorated stroller for a beautiful day at the faire.  But then the Precious poked its head out of the stroller.

Are you kidding me?  A fucking dog in a stroller?

Either way, attacking the woman, or Precious is too easy.  The target of my criticism immediately goes towards the man of the family; either his wife has a vagina plated in golden velvet, or more likely, who has easily allowed his woman to assert dominance in the relationship, and write out the pecking order of the household, one where he is clearly not on top.

Clearly, the “man” is a gigantic pussy, who pretty much lets everyone walk all over him, including the dog.  Observing him, it’s fairly evident that either he and the alpha have no children of their own, or there’s a slight possibility that they’re empty nesters, with nothing better to do on their weekends than to come to things like the Renaissance Faire.  Regardless, based on the NASCAR hat, and the polo shirt with NASCAR sponsor emblems on the front, it’s obvious what the pussy likes.

If my hypothesis is correct, their relationship was predicated on the wife being able to do whatever the fuck she wanted, just so long as he could have his Sundays to himself, while he and sometimes buddies, watched races.  But given their age, such behavior has gone on so long, that it has essentially become the norm, and the way of living during NASCAR time, has become the way of living, de facto.  The sad thing is that pussy probably has no idea that such has turned out the way it is, he’s grown so used to having it like such.

If I weren’t so disgusted by his emasculation, I might actually feel a little bit sad for him.  But then to rub salt into the wounds, I saw him later on in the afternoon carrying the stroller, with alpha and Precious nowhere in sight.  Meaning the wife left him, dog in tow.  And to make matters worse, I spotted him on his return trip, carrying none other than one of those Paris Hilton-like pet carrier purses.

I almost vomited right then and there.  Fuckin’ pussy.