Tag: dad

100 Days

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

Today marks 100 days since the birth of my child.  All jokes aside about my Americanization, it’s always been important to me that my kid hold onto facets of the Korean part of her heritage.  Her middle name is Korean, and mythical wife and I have every intention of having her learn some Korean eventually, so she can communicate with the elders on my side of the family among other worldly benefits.  But also to recognize Korean traditions like baek-il (백일), because they are most definitely a part of her as they are all other Koreans out there.

In Korean culture, the first 100 days of life is a celebrated occasion.  Historically in the old world, 100 days meant a lot to Koreans, because it genuinely was a milestone for a baby to survive that long, due to disease, famine, harsh climates and other various factors that worked against their survival.  To this very day, 100-day celebrations are commonplace to Korean culture, in remembrance of tradition and history.

Obviously the advancement of technology and medicine throughout time have diminished the underlying concern over the 100 day survival of modern Korean children.  However in 2020, the year of my child’s birth, America is dealing with chaotic civil unrest and the highest mortality rates of a global pandemic on the planet.  It certainly feels closer to the old world than the modern one, when you look at it that way.

But social commentary aside, today is still a joyous celebration for my family.  My kid has made it 100 days, and given the state of the world right now, that’s more of an accomplishment than it really should be.

New Father Brogging, #011

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

Throughout this week, mythical wife and I have introduced a baby monitor, so that we can put her down at a scheduled time, and still be able to keep eyes and ears on her from elsewhere in the house, while we try to reclaim a little bit of time for ourselves.  At first, it felt almost alien, having some free time back, and initially I used them only to do chores and tasks that tend to fall to the backburner on most days, but then when I’d finish those, I realized that it wasn’t yet 11 pm, and I actually had some free time back on my hands.  It was kind of nice.

Today, my daughter let out the most high-pitched shrieks I’ve ever heard come from her.  Worse off, we heard them first through the baby monitor, so they occurred with neither parent in sight.  I tore up the stairs and into the bedroom to get to my child as fast as possible, and hearing them in person was the most soul-piercing sounds I’d heard in my entire life.  I picked her up out of the bassinet and held her to my chest immediately.  Moments later I was in the most tears I’d been in since her birth, because no parent should want to hear such horrific sounds emanating from their baby.

Fortunately, everything seemed to be fine; maybe she was having a bad dream, or maybe it was the fear of awakening without the use of her arms, since we have her sleep swaddled.  Maybe a combination of both, or maybe she was overheated, since the bedroom tends to warm up throughout the day.  But either way, because nobody can speak baby, we’ll never truly know to why she was in such a frenzied panic, but all I do know is that it was one of the most frightening experiences for me in recent memory, and I’m still admittedly a little shaken up by it, regardless of if everything is fine.

Continue reading “New Father Brogging, #011” →

New Father Brogging, #010

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

A thought that often crosses my mind is that I can’t believe the world that my daughter was born into.  And then I feel really sad about it, despite knowing that she very well won’t remember any of this stuff, but one day she might read about it in history books or any sort of resource that outlines the happening throughout history.

It’s bad enough she was born right at the very start of when coronavirus came into the United States and was shortly declared a global pandemic, literally changing the landscape of the world where the vast majority of educated people began to take shelter in their homes, to minimize the spread of a new disease.

But in a way that can only be described as amazing, a global pandemic still managed to get pushed into to the backseat by the more recent civil unrest that’s boiled over on account of the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery in Georgia, and very recently George Floyd in Minnesota, with the latter being pretty flagrantly executed by a white police officer, when his neck was low-key crushed under the knee of the cop.

As I’m writing this, all across the country, there have been countless protests, many of which escalated into riots complete with looting, and there are hundreds to thousands of people who have been physically harmed, gassed, tazed or impacted by some form of crowd control.  The police are widely viewed as the enemy now instead of the agency that’s meant to serve and protect, and it’s times like this in which I’m kind of glad that one, I don’t live/work as close to actual city-proper Atlanta as I used to, and two, add the staying home as yet another ironic benefit to there being a fucking pandemic.

It’s a very sad and scary thought to think of this being the world that my first child was born into, and I feel like the generations before her have already let her down in fostering a world that’s supposed to be safe and better for the future.

Continue reading “New Father Brogging, #010” →

New Father Brogging, #009

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

Today was quite the day, and not in a particularly positive manner.  I had a day in which I was mostly stressed out on account of the fact that I just felt as if I were kind of losing myself because I just didn’t have any time for myself, because I have to spend so much time in the day doing the same things over and over again, all pertaining to the obvious care of an infant child. 

Obviously I know what I signed up for, and that this was to be expected, so it leads to a tremendous amount of guilt over the fact that I felt such feelings in the first place, so then I try to compensate for my selfishness by trying harder, but then getting similar results and triggers that compounds my frustration, creating this unfortunate cycle of feeling exasperated.

Currently, my child is dealing with a lot of reflux issues, which is pretty common for babies similar to mine, so on a day like today, I’d been thrown up on several times.  I do not fault my kid, as she is still a baby and has little control over these such things, but it is disheartening to get thrown up on all the same.  Additionally, she’s in this current state where she’s either actively eating, or is fussy unless she’s being held.  In either state, she requires hands-on attention, and when either mythical wife or I are providing such hands-on attention, we have no capabilities of doing anything else really.

I’ve become somewhat adept at doing some things one-handed to where I can at least kind of dick around on my phone while nursing or trying to coax a baby to relaxation, or I can watch television, and I’m surprised at how fast we’re going through things on Netflix these days.

But what I can’t do are the perpetually mounting tasks, daily chores and routine dog relief while on baby duty, much less anything I want to do for my own gratification, and as I watch the minutes tick away into hours, and then suddenly it’s only a few hours left before the day’s end, and all of this starts all over again, and then I mentally feel defeated, and that I’m losing myself because I just can’t find the time to do anything at all, whether it’s necessary tasks or personal ones.  Either I feel like the chores are going to overwhelm me, or I won’t get to do anything for myself ever again, and both lead to me feeling negative.

Continue reading “New Father Brogging, #009” →

New Father Brogging, #008

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been called a racist more times than I should probably be comfortable with, in my life.  It’s not something that I’m proud of, I’m just merely stating the fact that plenty of people I’ve interacted with in my life tend to think that I harbor some racist beliefs.  I’m not going to argue about the semantics behind such, but when the day is over, sure, I might find some humor in dark jokes, or race-related topics, but I genuinely don’t dislike my fellow man and woman, for no sole reason than the color of their skin.  I typically grow to dislike my fellow man and woman, because I think they’re toxic personalities, and not the color of their skin or what box they check off under nationality on any sort of legal documentation.

The thing is, I think I get tagged as a racist as often as I do, because I’m pretty frank and candid when it comes to talking about race, stereotypes, and calling bullshit or double-standards on behavior when it comes to race.  Like take for example, America has become this country that’s so riddled with white guilt and apologetic to the black community, that the African-American community has somewhat of an immunity when it comes to criticism, because a large portion of America is afraid to step on the toes of black people. 

Unfortunately, it’s a tale of two extremes, and for every two people who are overly cautious around black people, there’s a closeted or not-so closeted bigot, that absolutely abhors black people, and actually acts on it, discriminating like slavery never was abolished.

However, in spite of the PC bulletproof vest that the black community tends to have against white people, other minority groups don’t have the same luxury.  Asians and Hispanics especially, are treated like this third-tier group, and not only do they endure all sorts of criticism from white people, black people love to clown on Asians and Hispanics as if their entire demographic never endured discrimination in their entire lineages.

Continue reading “New Father Brogging, #008” →

New Father Brogging, #007

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

I can’t help but think that my life would be so much simpler if I were Goro from Mortal Kombat, or at least have four arms like Goro from Mortal Kombat.

So much of the time, I try to do anything at all, while carrying baby in one arm, and it turns out that I’m not very competent at doing a lot of things one-handed.  Making a cup of coffee.  Untying a knot.  Opening any sort of jar or bottle.

Having an extra arm, much less two extra arms would probably increase my general productivity tremendously, and I can only imagine the shit I could get done if two arms were spent placating a baby full-time, while still having two others arms in which I could do absolutely anything at all with.  And in the few instances where I can hold the baby in one arm and free up a third arm, then the world can gladly be my bitch in those few times.

I think what I’m really trying to say is that there’s often times in which I feel pretty overwhelmed with just how much stuff I have to do on a daily basis, on top of being a brand new dad.  Obviously, there is no set amount of attention and things I have to do with a newborn baby, but then there’s usually a cavalcade of chores and tasks that have to be done on a routine and/or daily basis on top of everything that makes me feel like I have no downtime, ever.

On the weekdays, I trudge out of bed after nights of interrupted sleep due to one or two mid-night feedings, and I hop on my work laptop and do my best to do, work.  Baby hangs out with me in the mornings, which isn’t really difficult considering she usually just sleeps in the Mamaroo next to me.  By the early afternoon, mythical wife tags in and takes over the majority of baby duty while I finish out my work day, but when my workday is over, I tag in to spell her from baby duty, but that kind of means I’m going directly from my workday into baby duty, and if I’m lucky, I can cumulatively have maybe an hour, possibly two hours in which I actually do stuff for myself.

And in that little time, I can’t really indulge in much; I don’t feel like I’ve got the time to binge stuff on Netflix, especially considering single episodes of the Korean shows I want to watch are all like 90 minutes each because Korea really loves longform and I can kind of see why I’m so long-winded now.  I can’t really start any video games, because I generally really like to have three, uninterrupted hours to really start any game, and no matter what, whether I somehow manage to have one or two hours to myself, seldom are they contiguous and without any sorts of interruptions.

Ironically, this has driven me to write more, because it’s an activity that’s easy to stop and start and be interrupted without worry about ruining the flow of a show or forgetting to what I was doing in a game. 

The fact of the matter is that I occasionally have days in which I feel like I don’t ever get any time for myself, and it’s a little deflating whenever those days occur.  Believe me, I know that I’m not in a position where my daughter isn’t ever going to not be first, but I always believe there’s importance in still getting some time for myself occasionally.

But if I were Goro, or at least had two extra arms like Goro, I could do so much shit at the same time as being hands-on with the baby, because she only needs two arms, and then I could accomplish so much else with the other two arms and maybe feel like I’m still getting some time for myself.

New Father Brogging, #006

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

One of the most important things that I’ve learned as a first-time dad is that whenever you feel like you’re getting a grasp of raising a baby, behaviors will inevitably change and then you’re back into a position of knowing nothing all over again, and feeling helpless when your baby is reduced to crying and finding great difficulty at what may be causing your child distress.

When my baby is crying, it could be a variety of things that could be causing it; might be hunger, even if it might be improbably because she ate a full feed just 80 minutes ago, but a growth spurt could be in play, meaning she’ll want to eat pretty much every single hour.  Maybe it’s indigestion, to which there are only a few things that can actually bring her relief, like pressing her up against the warm body of a parent, or medicinally with gripe water or newborn anti-gas drops.  Maybe she needs to be burped more.  Maybe she’s cranky because she needs to take a nap.  Lately, she’s become cognizant to the discomfort of having a soiled diaper, something that hadn’t been the case in the first five weeks.  And sometimes, she just wants to be held by mom or dad.

The point is, there have been numerous times where I feel like I’ve identified a behavioral pattern, only to rely upon the knowledge of yesterday for today’s problems, and find out that everything has changed all over again, and then I’m left feeling dumbfounded and useless that I can’t figure out how to bring comfort to my own child.

I never once discounted the difficulty of parenting, for the first time much less, but as I expected it would be, parenting is not easy.  This does not deter me in the least bit, but I am just confirming that it’s about as difficult, and occasionally frustrating as I imagined it would be.  There’s nothing like changing a diaper, only for the kid to rip a wet fart and soil it seconds after being put on, only for an after shock to hit two minutes later, and make me throw my hands up at the frustrating of changing three diapers in the span of 120 seconds.

Ultimately I wouldn’t change a thing, and I’ll change a trillion diapers if I have to in order to raise my little girl right, but damn can I at least say there are times when I just have to say, what the fuck man?

Continue reading “New Father Brogging, #006” →