The first thought that crossed through my head after I saw this commercial was: “Divorce papers. With a red ribbon around them.”
Not only is this commercial indeed stupid, I actually hate it. Man goes through hoops to discreetly purchase a Smart car for his wife for Christmas, only for her to become instantaneously and ungratefully smitten with a piece of shit Buick cruising down the street.
In short, man gives gift, wife is ungrateful bitch.
Although the message is very much fictitious, and I honestly will foolishly give benefit of the doubt that there really are that many people who would be so ungratefully crass to rebuff an expensive and clearly high-effort gift literally three seconds after receiving it, I just really, really hate the message in general.
Like if I ever give my future ex-wife a car, only for her immediately ignore it to drool over a piece of shit Buick casing our neighborhood, I would without hesitation whip out the divorce papers. Seriously. I have two cousins that work in law, I could very well have divorce papers ready at the drop of a dime, or even go so far as to have them drawn up way in advance in preparation for such ingrate behavior that I deem unacceptable. No bitch will ever disrespect the effort I put forth to please them and expect me to overlook it. At least I hope.
I’m not kidding. If my future ex-wife did this to me, she would become the present ex-wife a whole lot sooner rather than later. It would likely be for the best too. I’d be like a baseball player with an opt-out clause in my contract, and I could get back onto the free agent market while I’m younger than originally expected to have arrived on the market. And then I could hook up with a superior future ex-wife that would hopefully at least be grateful if I ever bought them a car.
Two more things: First, a Smart versus a Buick? Poor form, Buick. At least have the car being shamed be something at least a direct competitor; but then again, Buick is a car maker with such an identity crisis, and no defined class, that they honestly don’t really have anyone to compete against. They’re too luxurious to compete with the normal-tier makers like Ford and Toyota, but not nearly luxurious enough to compete with their luxury brands, Lincoln and Lexus. All Buicks weigh a million pounds, so they couldn’t hold a candle to any maker overseas, so I guess the only logical thing to do is target a non-factor like a Smart.
Even still, I’d much rather have a Smart over a fucking Buick LaCrosse. At least my Smart could park anywhere in Atlanta and its size would make me incapable of giving rides to more than a single person. And anyone who believes the LaCrosse gets 36 miles to the gallon is delusional; only the 75-year olds that typically drive Buicks get that kind of mpg, while they’re going 36 miles per hour.
Second, I’d love to see a parody of this commercial. Like a man gives his wife a Buick Enclave, which claims to get 24 mpg, and she’s all happy for like two seconds, and then a Geo Metro or a Ford Fiesta putters down the street, and then the wife stares dreamily at the compact hatchback, while it’s unbalanced and warped hubcaps spin unevenly in slow motion. And then the sell point of “57 miles per gallon” hits the screen. And before the commercial ends, you see the husband rearing his open palm back as the screen fades to black and the Geo or Ford logo emerges while the sound of a vicious smack can be heard in the background.
