A weekend at the faire – In THIS family, Hubby < Precious

It was no different than when I used to work there regularly a long, long time ago; parents who decked out their baby strollers in “Renaissancy” handkerchiefs and other pieces of flair to get in the spirit of going to the faire, despite not really doing anything for themselves.  We saw these people coming down the hill with the initial horde of patrons for the day, and at first, it was no big deal – just another couple with a decorated stroller for a beautiful day at the faire.  But then the Precious poked its head out of the stroller.

Are you kidding me?  A fucking dog in a stroller?

Either way, attacking the woman, or Precious is too easy.  The target of my criticism immediately goes towards the man of the family; either his wife has a vagina plated in golden velvet, or more likely, who has easily allowed his woman to assert dominance in the relationship, and write out the pecking order of the household, one where he is clearly not on top.

Clearly, the “man” is a gigantic pussy, who pretty much lets everyone walk all over him, including the dog.  Observing him, it’s fairly evident that either he and the alpha have no children of their own, or there’s a slight possibility that they’re empty nesters, with nothing better to do on their weekends than to come to things like the Renaissance Faire.  Regardless, based on the NASCAR hat, and the polo shirt with NASCAR sponsor emblems on the front, it’s obvious what the pussy likes.

If my hypothesis is correct, their relationship was predicated on the wife being able to do whatever the fuck she wanted, just so long as he could have his Sundays to himself, while he and sometimes buddies, watched races.  But given their age, such behavior has gone on so long, that it has essentially become the norm, and the way of living during NASCAR time, has become the way of living, de facto.  The sad thing is that pussy probably has no idea that such has turned out the way it is, he’s grown so used to having it like such.

If I weren’t so disgusted by his emasculation, I might actually feel a little bit sad for him.  But then to rub salt into the wounds, I saw him later on in the afternoon carrying the stroller, with alpha and Precious nowhere in sight.  Meaning the wife left him, dog in tow.  And to make matters worse, I spotted him on his return trip, carrying none other than one of those Paris Hilton-like pet carrier purses.

I almost vomited right then and there.  Fuckin’ pussy.

A weekend at the faire – Female OWNED

I’ve mentioned before that one of my favorite internet meme images on the internet is the white couple, with the black baby, and there’s a big OWNED in Impact font, pointing at the guy. Sure, that’s a funny image and all, and it’s not so much the racist undertones of it that I find funny as much as it simply is the concept of why the guy is OWNED. It’s irrelevant to whether or not the baby were adopted, or fathered in, or out of wedlock, by obviously a black man, but the fact that he is OWNED, because he is clearly stuck in a situation where he’s raising someone else’s kids. It’s funny in a sad, thank god it’s not me kind of way, and I am amused by it immensely.

This past weekend, I spent worked an emergency weekend shift at the Renaissance Faire. It was not my preference, but it was most certainly a personal solid done for a close friend, and it’s not like I did it for free. But it’s still burning an entire weekend, putting myself in the lowest of worst retail situations, peddling wares to a bunch of cheap rednecks who would rather spend their money on turkey legs, overpriced “ale and wynne,” and unfittingly, samurai swords. Regardless, with the help of Miss Sarah, we tried to make the best of a bad situation, by doing what any snarky retail dreg workers do – judging strangers, and fabricating stories about them. The following series of posts will be a recollection of my weekend at the faire, and the assumed true stories about the people we watched, that made the weekend just a little more bearable.

Continue reading “A weekend at the faire – Female OWNED” →

I wonder what this means

I watched the desk clerk run my credit card the old fashioned, imprinting way, for somewhere just over fifty dollars. Samantha and I walked out of the reception office into the parking lot, the sun beaming down and forcing me to narrow my eyesight in light of the glare. We peered around to get an idea of where our motel room was going to be, and located the general section of where it was. Oddly, it was a stand-alone block of rooms that was in the middle of the U-shaped motel establishment, and acted as kind of a barrier to keep the swimming pool are out of view of the parking lot and the adjacent traffic from the entry point of the property.

Regardless, we headed to our room, me feeling a twinge of excitement, a mixture of anxiety, lust, and anticipation; Samantha was a cute girl with short brown hair, and she was right about the same height as I was, to say that there was one thing on my mind would have been a bit of an understatement. Glancing back at her, such emotion and thoughts must’ve been running through her head too, as we made our way to the entrance to our room.

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Found it

At a very remote gas station, relatively in the middle of nowhere, I found Dexter beer, Presidente.  Although I would have preferred a six-pack, beggars can’t be choosers, and so I gladly took a 22-oz tall boy for my indulgence.  Typically, this stuff isn’t really sold outside of Florida, although you never know where else one might stumble upon it.  Ironically, this Dominican pilsner isn’t really that great, but because it’s simply known as the Dexter beer, do I still find it so appealing.

Real Men Don’t Wear Small update: Knights Stadium, Fort Mill, South Carolina

Another Minor League park was added to Real Men Don’t Wear Small as I venture up to Charlotte, North Carolina, to visit Knights Stadium, home of the Chicago White Sox’s AAA Charlotte Knights as they hosted the Gwinnett Braves.  Except the Charlotte Knights don’t actually play in Charlotte, or North Carolina for that matter, and instead play in Fort Mill, South Carolina.

Photos: Charlotte/Fort Mill Baseball Day Trip

I went up to Charlotte to go watch baseball, despite the fact that the team from Charlotte actually played in South Carolina.  Either way, it didn’t stop me from taking a few hours to try and explore the city of Charlotte on my own, before realizing that since it was actually on Easter Sunday, every fucking thing was closed.

After finding a place that actually had a normal breakfast, and not some $100 champagne brunch, I walked around, only to discover the aforementioned closures of pretty much everything, and instead went straight to Fort Mill, South Carolina, where I enjoyed the park, and a pleasant Gwinnett Braves blowout victory, despite getting my arms, neck, and ears brutally sunburned.

CLT Charlotte/Douglas airport is one of the worst airports I’ve ever been to, from a TSA security checkpoint standpoint.  Each terminal had like one agent doing check ins, and the lines just to get through security were absurdly long.  Hopefully, I won’t have to fly in and out of there for a while now.

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Real Men Don’t Wear Small update: Municipal Stadium, Hagerstown, Maryland

The first new addition to Real Men Don’t Wear Small for the 2011 season comes from the minor leagues, as I visited Hagerstown, Maryland, to see Municipal Stadium, home of the Washington Nationals’ Low-A affiliate Hagerstown Suns.  Also the current home to supposed future phenom, Bryce Harper, whom it was a bit fascinating to see live and in person, after the monumental hype behind him over the last three years.