I’ve been well aware throughout the last fifteen days that I hadn’t updated the brog in a while. And as much as I felt the obligation to myself to keep up the practice of writing, I just didn’t feel like it. But in all fairness, I haven’t really felt like doing a whole lot of much throughout the last few weeks. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t much feel like doing much writing now, but enough has more or less been enough, and I figure it would be good to put some words down on the e-paper to hopefully clear my head a little bit.
As has been the general mood of self these last few months or so, things have not been going too particularly well in my life, as well as the lives of those around me. I’ve hit a little bit of a rough patch, and am still kind of riding it right now. Just the other day, I went to the bank and deposited a small cache of cash that I had stashed away, designated as “birthday money only to be spent on something superficial and gratifying and not bills” . . . because my bank account was precariously low, and without the deposit, I run the risk of not being able to pay my bills. The disaster was temporarily averted, but it doesn’t really change the fact that I’m occasionally feeling the overwhelming feeling of drowning from time to time, compounded by emotions of the uncertainty of freelance working, and the phone not ringing with potential full-time work.
But not to say that I’ve been absolutely sitting on my ass at home, moping around like an emo asshole for the last fifteen days entirely. Freelance work has trickled in from time to time, and I’m not foolish to say that I wouldn’t be somewhat making ends meet without it. However, it is certainly the case of feast or famine, because if I’m not starving to death, then I’m being thrown into fires before ceremoniously being told that I’m not needed the next day or week. Last week required me to submit three time sheets to the agency at week’s end. I worked on package design on Monday, vehicle design for a Volkswagen on Tuesday, agency garbage work on Wednesday and Thursday, before returning to vehicle work on Friday. The worst part about the gauntlet was that all that hopping around considered, I still didn’t log a full 40.
It’s funny, because while I was working long-term contracts, I thought about how great it was to be a freelancer, since I didn’t have to attend any meetings, or deal with any of the corporate strings in the background of the places I worked at; I rarely got sick beyond any ailments that required more than over-the-counter medication, so the necessity to enroll in the agency’s insurance plan wasn’t priority. But now that the well of freelance is drying out on me, I’m finding myself wishing for nothing more than to be back in the corporate dregs, sitting through pointless meetings, whining about how my favorite websites aren’t updating nearly frequent enough to fill all the downtime I have, and projecting how I’m going to utilize my PTO, as long as there was a steady paycheck. This is where the wiser man often says that the grass is always greener on the other side, or something along that rhetoric.
Despite the fact that life has more or less been a royal pain in the ass over the last few weeks, not everything has been total shit. Since the rafting trip, which was a great deal of fun, there are two things of note that have happened in my life that were pleasant occurrences. I made a very brief cameo in Virginia last week for my nephew’s first birthday, which is a gigantic deal to Korean culture, where I got to see a lot of my family members, albeit awkward family conversations with in-laws, but it was at least a pleasant meal, and touching base with a lot of family and friends. And the Braves (of course I had to get some baseball in here) hung onto their butts efficiently enough to sneak into the playoffs. Now I’m not thrilled at how proud of they are at being the Wild Card, because nothing screams lowered expectations than glorifying second place, but I am at least very pleased that the Braves had a sexy 91-win season, with some extra baseball to be played still.
The words of today are admittedly a little forced, but in a time where every little task completed is a win in the tiniest sense, I’m pleased at finally actually taking the time to do some personal writing despite the unnecessary and regretful hiatus.
