For obvious reasons, one or two of the televisions in the locker room at my gym is always on the NBA Network. This week, they’ve been systematically broadcasting apparently every single year of the NBA’s dunk contest. Recently, I got to thinking about just how stupid the dunk contest really is.
As much as I understand the appeal and occasional functionality of dunking, I can’t help but thinking that a contest of dunking without defenders, a clock or any resistance is pretty much the dumbest thing in the world. And it gets worse with every single year, with players looking to add gimmicks, costumes and props to their foolish exhibitions in order to impress designated judges who assign scores based on, lord knows what.
And with each passing year, much as there are more crowd shots of other players and devastated fans, out of their seats, OHHHHing and making guttural sounds of approval at what they witnessed, there have been more and more people in the locker room glued to the televisions, making much of the same reactions. And for what? Guys that are taking a basketball, and doing whatever they can possible in the fractions of a second before they attempt to force it into an uncontested hoop.
What really makes me think it’s stupid is the simple fact that it’s completely unrealistic. There are certain dunks that might have a fraction of a chance of making it into a game, like a windmill, double-pump, or even a 360, but the other 90% of dunks would never happen because one, there’s defense, and two, considering most of these guys don’t dribble on the way to the rim, they’d be traveling. I’m also confident that there’s a zero percent chance that a Kia Optima will roll onto the hardwoods during a live game, so great for Blake Griffin that he can jump over one on the way to the hoop, but I’m pretty sure that would never be a realistic in-game scenario.
I’m not trying to pick on today’s thug-lyfe NBA solely, because even looking back to the days of when Dominique Wilkins, Michael Jordan, Clyde Drexler and Spud Webb were winning the dunk contests every year, the same applies to them. There’s zero chance that the rim will spontaneously rise two feet on Clyde Drexler mid-drive, and Jordan won’t be able to travel on his way to the foul line in preparation for his takeoff. And Spud Webb was always a sideshow act that rarely actually dunked in live games that actually had any chances of being won. Maybe Wilkins could do most of his dunks in-game, but that’s only because he was a human freak of nature, and very aptly nicknamed the Human Highlight Reel.
Now three-point shooting? That’s a skill worth seeing a contest for. Hell, I’d even support a free-throw shooting contest, just to exploit just how dead the skill is today.
Anyway, I feel the cough syrup kicking in now, so I will get to early sleep now, in preparation for another year of running in the Peachtree Road Race.
