There’s this guy on my floor that I occasionally see in the men’s room. Normally, such encounters are negligible, and certainly not worth posting about, but this guy, I find quite puzzling. Obviously by the way he dresses and presents himself, and the fact that he doesn’t look that old, I have to assume he’s a college student, doing whatever college students are often doing in this building. He also has a big, exaggerated Jew-fro, and wears goofy lily white Forrest Gump-like sneakers, and the combination of such an appearance kind of sticks. He kind of looks like a thinner, younger version of the Jewish professor member of Team USA in Beerfest.
So in spite of such an identifiable appearance, the last thing a guy like him needs is idiocentric behavior that makes him arouse the suspicion of others, or maybe it’s just me, or maybe I just feel like I need to have something to write about in order to pass the time. But as mentioned, I’ve seen him in the men’s room a few times, as it’s one of the few common places that one might randomly encounter others.
I’ll cut to the chase – this guy washes his hands first, and then proceeds to do his business. Cue me tilting my head ever-so slightly, like a dog when it hears something piercing and unusual. That’s fine and all, if he wants to have his hands nice and pristine before handling his junk, but on more than one instance, I’ve noticed that he doesn’t wash his hands afterward. He may have the cleanest private parts on the face of the planet, but for the sake of social acceptance, at least pretend to wash your fucking hands after defecating, for god’s sake.
Now despite the fact that such behavior is sort of odd and gross at the same time, Pre-Wash Piss Jew-Fro has another odd bathroom idiosyncrasy, that I wish my powers of observation never noticed: he always uses a stall; which is fine, because some urinals are poorly made and lead to higher chances of the dreaded spatter, or there’s an insecurity that someone may be deliberately trying to get a look at your junk. Using the stall is pretty normal, but I can’t help but notice that he is audibly taking a great deal of effort to utilize the courtesy paper seat covers to cover the toilet seat … before he urinates standing up.
Look, the men’s room at this place is pretty quiet, there’s no ambient muzak or classic music playing permanently on a PA system here, so when another man is taking care of business, it’s for the entire present company to be able to hear it happening. It happens. But Pre-Wash Piss Jew-Fro here, let’s get the facts straight:
- He goes into the stall to urinate
- He applies a paper seat cover onto the toilet seat
- Which means he’s not lifting the toilet seat before he urinates
- And then he proceeds to urinate, and I know he’s urinating because his feet are facing forward, and the unmistakable sound of urination is audible
- Conclusively, he does all of this after he washes his hands, and then exits the restroom outright without re-washing his soiled hands.
The forward-facing feet are kind of the giveaway that Pre-Wash Piss Jew-Fro is pissing, that, or he’s taking some of the most epic A.C. Slater-style dumps in the world. Either way, he fucking weirds me out, and there’s a reason I practice the hypochondriac-like behavior of opening doors while holding paper towels.
*the above picture is not one that I took. But in search for a good photograph, I came across the creepiest Flickr site in the entire world: Under the Stall
