It’s funny whenever I think about cars that belong in the I give up on life category, Saturns never really crossed my mind. But in a way, it’s fittingly appropriate in several ways; one, because Saturns are the most forgettable car manufacturer in history, and two, Saturn as a car company is dead, and has been dead for going on three years now. Unfortunately, three years isn’t enough time to wipe them from existence as their turds on wheels are still being capably driven on roads across America as we speak.
Saturn was essentially a joint venture between General Motors and Rubbermaid (not actually true) that put out mediocre plastic (mostly) cars that were cheap to buy, cheaper to maintain, and supposedly cheap to repair when necessary (often, being a GM), in exchange for your dignity (factually accurate). But after twenty years of sucking souls, Liu Kang and the automotive industry had enough of Saturn Tsung’s soul-sucking tendencies and putting an end to the Saturn brand, hopefully for good.
It should be no more obvious how dead Saturn was when for the first ten years of their existence, none of their cars actually had any names, but some alphanumeric code names. You know, just so they can possibly be misconstrued with like a BMW or something:
“Oh, you drive a ‘98 323i? Yeah… I drive a ’95 SC1. Excellent fuel economy on top of everything else…”
But then the second decade of their miserable existence, they started naming all their cars as if they pulled it out of a Kevin J. Anderson Star Wars fan-fiction star chart, like Aura, Astra, Ion, Relay, etc, etc.
None of them were worse than the Saturn Vue, one of the few SUVs that Saturn manufactured. It is scientific fact that every single Saturn Vue on the road is driven by someone over the age of 50, they have without question given up on their lives but couldn’t afford a Toyota Camry, and they wear some sort of harness or contraption on their right foot that makes it physically impossible for them to exceed 35 miles per hour. Vue drivers are the bane of human existence, and for whatever reason despite the fact that they have given up on their own lives, they somehow see fit to try and make everyone else’s lives around them miserable by taking up space and getting in the way.
Of course, this addition to the I give up on life car club was inspired by the fact that Saturn Vue drivers are a personal annoyance to me. Every time I encounter one, it’s an old white person going too slow or driving in a behavior that is completely counter-productive to my personal tendencies. And the worst of them all is this one motherfucker who works in my building somewhere that always wants the same parking spot that I do, out in the middle of the bumfuck section of the parking deck. I don’t fucking understand this old sack of shit; I’ve been parking, or at least attempting to, park in the same spot since March of 2011. There have been instances where I narrowly arrived seconds before he did, and he’s seen me getting into my parking spot. In the unfortunate days where he gets to the deck before I do, he takes my spot as if he didn’t know he was inconveniencing my routine. Nothing soils my morning faster than seeing this fucking turd-looking Vue sitting in my spot, and this old motherfucker has to know he’s trolling me by so fervently taking this spot that nobody else in their right mind would want other than me.
Naturally this has resulted in an unforgiving prejudice against the Saturn Vue, and subsequently all other Saturns, because frankly, could anyone even refute me? Saturns are the most depressing car brand on the road, but despite the fact that the company itself is dead, its products are still unfortunately on the road, until they all start collectively breaking down by like 2015.
