And I’ve got a pretty short fuse, and just about everything in the world is agitating me lately.
I could go into further detail, but the effort required to formulate my thoughts into words to describe how much work is sucking lately, and how much it sucks to think about what it’s going to be like the next time go up to Virginia to visit family just seems so exasperating.
It’s also one of those periods of time when I feel kind of isolated from the world, and that there’s really nobody around that I feel comfortable speaking with who’s remotely available to speak with when I need it.
I think I surprise myself at how much duress I’m putting myself under over the impending divorce of my parents, and that despite the fact that I rationally know it’s none of the circumstances that turn teenagers into inexcusable fuckwads, it still perturbs me that my family is on the verge of becoming a broken one. I’m trying to distract myself by planning baseball trips and things that should be fun, but so often times my plans route through Virginia, and with my parents split up, it’s like I don’t really have a reliable place to crash when I’m up there. Stay at my old home with my shut-in dad, or stay with my mom who is likely being babysat by my nosy and lecturing aunts who will probably slander my dad in front of me and say a whole lot of things that I really don’t want to listen to.
There’s also a part of me that is afraid that I could possibly end up like my dad at some point in my life. Now I know the likelihood of that is less with the friendships and relationships that I’ve cultivated throughout my life, but I have to admit that when I’m by myself, bored and left to my own thoughts, it’s not always the best thing. The same could probably be said about my dad, who took those circumstances to extremes to which is why we’re in the situation we’re in right now.
Either way, all of the above lately has apparently taken a bigger toll on me than I thought it could. I feel a little emotionally downtrodden lately, and I think there’ve been some cracks in my armor lately that has led to some irrational behavior out of me. Things that wouldn’t upset me have been upsetting me, and I’ve strayed from lines of thinking that had been pretty good at keeping me grounded over the last few years.
I look forward to nothing, and very little uplifts me beyond brief moments at a time lately. I understand that I’m depressed, and it doesn’t really feel like anything is in my control right now. That part is what really sucks.
