Not long ago, I wrote about how opt-out clauses are kind of killing professional sport, and a whole bunch or rambling about how at the root of all opt-out clauses, is more greed. In every instance I mentioned, the people who opted out of millions of dollars ultimately signed contracts worth even more money, displaying what I feel are truly disgusting rich-getting-richer scenarios.
Ultimately, what I failed to say when I wrote that, was that I would love to see an instance where a guy opts out of his contract, only for it to backfire and blow up in his face, and they’re unable to better the numbers in which they opted out of. Because that would be just dessert for someone getting greedy, and being rudely awakened when the number crunchers and bean counters of sports franchises realize the favor they’ve been granted, and the money they don’t have to spend to acquire their talents.
Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait that long after making my post for it to actually come to fruition.
Dwyane “Don’t spell it ‘Dwayne’” Wade somehow got the idea in his brain that he could better the $40 million dollars he was owed over the next two years, if he opted out and tested the free agent waters.
Now, Wade was one of the best players in the NBA as recently as just 6-8 years ago, and at 32 years old, he would still be considered to be in his peak, so there’s a shred of justification to why he’d want to get the maximum length and subsequent salaried contract he could possibly get.
The problem was, context. Over the span of the last four years, Wade had completely and voluntarily stepped into the passenger’s seat, and relinquished complete control of the Miami Heat and all the star power he earned himself by bringing them their first championship, to the incoming LeBron James. Ultimately, as far as team achievements went, it worked, as the Heat won a bunch of championships with LeBron James driving the team, but the bottom line was that Dwyane Wade completely gave up the mantle of Batman to LeBron, and totally voluntarily became Robin.
Who the fuck ever wants to be Robin?
Much less in the ever-ego-driven, look-at-me-and-give-me-lots-of-money NBA?
The sports purist me can completely admire and respect players that do whatever it takes to win championships, like stepping aside and letting a new Batman take the reins, even if it means becoming Robin. But the intellectual part of me that knows that it’s still a business, and that earning power is derived from star power in the NBA, and when the day is over, Robin will never make Batman money, especially when Batman is still large and in charge.
Needless to say, Dwyane Wade or his agent or financial people didn’t seem to consider the fact that he is seen by the rest of the NBA as a Robin. And that him opting out of his Batman-money contract was pretty much the dumbest thing in the world to do.
Long story short, Dwyane Wade opted out of the remaining two years and $40M Batman money contract, and re-signed with the Miami Heat; for two years, and $31M Robin dollars.
Dwyane Wade literally lost $9 million dollars on a completely unnecessarily gamble.
From henceforth, I will only refer to him as a mockery of one his nicknames, D-Wade: D-Fail.
When the day is over, a multi-millionaire like D-Fail might not lose any sleep over the fact that he just lost $9 million dollars, but to us plebeians, $9 million dollars is a whole lot of money. So, for the sake of mocking D-Fail, let’s take a look at all the things D-Fail won’t be able to get, because of his greedy assumption that he was worth more than he actually was.
Financing the construction of a church
D-Fail claims to be devout Christian, despite the obvious tendencies to greedily chase dollars, and the fact that he apparently gambles (unwisely). So why not try and erect a structure in his own name, under the guise of the Lord’s name?
I highly doubt that $9 million dollars would be enough to finance an entire Mega-Lo Mart Church that seems to be the norm in lots of cities, but it would be a massive contribution to the construction of one, or it could fully finance a slightly more modest house of worship.
But nope, the $9M that just went poof, like a fart in the wind, certainly won’t be going towards contributions towards his faith.
A $9M mansion
You know what millionaires love? Mansions. Giant plots of land, with perfectly manicured foliage and greenery, surrounded by bodies of water, stocked with more rooms than there are residents, and more square footage than there are minutes in the day. Private pools, private gyms, customized basketball courts, garages to house numerous vehicles; yeah, D-Fail could very well have a few of these already, but $9M poorer, that’s one less $9M mansion he won’t have.
Nine $1M condominiums
Maybe $9M mansions are little to extravagant for D-Fail’s wholesome Christian living. Perhaps he doesn’t need that much space. Maybe he wants to have several properties in various cities, so that he can have a familiar place to crash, while on the road in the NBA. After all, there are 30 NBA teams scattered across 29 different U.S. cities. Does he have a $1M condo in every city? Maybe he already does. But if he doesn’t, there are now nine fewer $1M condos that he’ll have to pay out of his own pocket than from the $9M he just lost.
Five Bugatti Veyrons
You know what professional athletes love? Supercars. And when it comes to actual performance as well as a status symbol, few cars are on the level of the Bugatti Veyron. With an estimated MSRP of roughly $1.6 million dollars, it goes from zero to 60 in like three seconds, which is pretty irrelevant in Miami’s suffocating traffic, but that’s fine, because while he’s sitting in standstill traffic, he can soak in adulation and envy of people on the streets, since that’s the only thing in the world that matters.
But with $9M less in the bank, that’s roughly five Veyrons that he won’t be able to add to his collection.
225 Land Rovers
Oh hell no am I duplicating a Land Rover 225 times.
D-Fail is 6’5, so a man of his physical size might not be that comfortable in a Veyron. Professional athletes love Land Rovers, alternatively. Because they’re “cheap” at roughly $45-70,000, depending on features, as well as the aftermarket rims and gaudy accessories they tend to customize them with. D-Fail also has a wife, a mistress, and when they’re old enough to drive, three kids and a nephew in his custody, so having a number of Land Rovers would be an advantageous thing to have. But without that extra $9M, it’s less money in his pocket to make 225 Land Rovers a reality.
45,000 pairs of Air Jordans
D-Fail is already a part of the Air Jordan Nike minions, so he very well is getting 82 pairs of Air Jordans a season for free as it is. But they’re all going to be his size 15 or whatever the hell a 6’5 basketball player wears. But 45,000 additional Air Jordans wouldn’t have to be for him, but for everyone in his family.
As P-Diddy said screamed best in Get Him To the Greek:
I GOT SIX KIDS! YOU KNOW HOW MANY AIR JORDANS SIX BLACK KIDS WEAR????
Well, D-Fail has three kids and a nephew in his care, and they’re all black kids. They’re going to grow, and require not just shoes, but new Air Jordans, like every four months. Not to mention, when they inherit dad’s greed, they’re going to pull all sorts of underhanded shit like under-the-table selling of Air Jordans for their own pocket money, and then say that they were stolen or something, and grab a new box out of the closet.
45,000 pairs of Air Jordans are probably not going to come close to encompassing the growth of four black kids in the D-Fail household. It sure would be nice if there was a spare $9 million dollars laying around somewhere to help cover the cost.
**
Now, there was a lot of talk about how D-Fail “had no choice” but to opt out of his contract, so that the Miami Heat could have the financial space necessary to attempt to re-sign LeBron James. I call bullshit on that notion, because (to my knowledge) nobody had a gun to D-Fail’s head, and demanded that he opt out. If they did, that’s a whole other story that needs to be investigated, but the fact of the matter is that he probably didn’t have to opt out of his contract, if he didn’t want to.
He’d have $9 million more in his bank account in two years if he didn’t, but that’s all hindsight now. And it’s not like it would have mattered if he didn’t opt out, considering it seemed pretty foregone that LeBron was going back to Cleveland.
What makes things even more embarrassing and crappy for D-Fail was that LeBron, Carmelo Anthony, and even Chris Bosh, three other guys that opted out of their contracts, all got paid. Improved upon their previous deals with larger, more lucrative contracts. And the Bosh deal is even worse, because it’s the Heat that retained him. It’s almost as if the Heat are giving Bosh the Batman money now, because they’ve gotten so acclimated to D-Fail being a Robin, that that’s where they envision his role on the team moving forward. Which is really ironic, because Chris Bosh sucks.
Regardless, there are a lot of luxuries that are being forfeited by not having an extra $9 mil laying around.
Sucks to be D-Fail.
