Sometimes, I think that people with certain names are predisposed to particular behavior. I can’t believe that I’m the only one who believes in this theory.
Since I’m obviously alluding to a particular name that’s the motivation for me even starting this brog post, I might as well just get it out there in the open: I’m under the belief that everyone named Gary is predisposed to being a monumental tool.*
*Except for Gary Dell’Abate, because, I love Baba Booey as I love most of the guys on the Howard Stern Show. But it’s not like there’s a generic image I can use to encapsulate all Garys, so might as well have gone with one of the more famous Garys.
Seriously, I think back to every Gary I’ve ever known in my life, and I’m drawing a blank when it comes to ones that I didn’t think were tools, or just a general negative, I-don’t-want-to-be-around-this-person kind of connotation.* Which leads me to believe that people named Gary are fated to become tools.
I mean, yeah, Gary is kind of a lame name to begin with, and I’d probably be a little bit bitter too if my parents named me Gary (imagine that, a Korean person named “Gary”), but it seems to be enough of a motivation to turn people into tools, of varying traits. Like, I’ve worked with corporate stooge-tool Gary, the arrogant-condescending Gary, the dismissive Gary, among others. Even my mom worked with this weirdo creepy almost Hodor-like oaf who was named Gary.
And then I think of Gary Payton, and how obnoxious of a basketball player he was, and how he too was a monumental tool. Gary Sheffield, a steroid-aided tool with an affinity for the highest price tag. And then there’s the most obnoxious yet amazingly cult-status Garys in Gary Busey, for reasons that I can’t comprehend, manages to be notable. He’s clearly a tool too.
The point remains, as irrational as it sounds, I simply have no other choice but to believe that all people named Gary have to be tools.
