Long story short: Philadelphia Phillies get blown out so badly by the Orioles, that they bring in outfielder Jeff Francoeur to pitch to save the bullpen. Furthermore, the Phillies take the bullpen phone off the hook, as to avoid using any pitcher at all if possible.
Despite the fact that this year is basically a wash for the Atlanta Braves and any and all hope for their fans, there’s always the glee of being able to look in the rearview mirror and say “at least we’re not the Phillies,” who are trudging along, as the expected worst team in baseball.
Pretty much anything and everything crappy that has happened to the Phillies has occurred, but somehow they manage to sink to even lower lows, and frankly we’re barely at the halfway point of the season. The thought that there’s still plenty of time for things to go humorously awry is pretty incredible, but as it stands, this particular story pretty much aims high at the ranks for the anti-highlights that await the team’s end of the season montage.
When a team is getting blown out by a monumental number, it’s really not an uncommon practice to trot out a position player to the mound to pitch, so that no member of the bullpen is even bothered to be wasted in such a futile effort. Frankly, it’s more uncommon that a team gets blown out by such freakish deficits, but then again, there really aren’t as many teams as inept as the 2015 Phillies.
Anyway, so the Phillies are getting annihilated by the Orioles in Baltimore, and instead of trotting out a relief pitcher and forcing some truly dredge work on them, they send Jeff Francoeur to the mound.
Now I’ve said a lot of things about Jeff Francoeur in my life, some good, some bad, but I genuinely recognize him as a legitimately nice guy, that all baseball skills aside, should be treated well, and deserves the truly best things in life.
However, all things considered, I would’ve loved to have seen him take the hill and pitch. More so ironic than the fact that I actually have MLB.tv this season, and could have, if I knew it was happening.
Here’s the thing though, it’s not because I thought he would suck, but it’s because that I thought he might actually do well. Most Braves fans are well aware that he was a local Georgia kid, something of the high school baseball wunderkind. Not only was he launching grand slams into the woods up in Lilburn, but he would take the mound and throw nuclear fireballs past competition that had no capability of catching up to them. The reputation of his arm strength has carried well into his professional career, and despite his occasional inability with the bat, his throwing arm has never been a question, and it was even once worthy of the Gold Glove award back in 2007.
Now despite the fact that in the minor leagues within the last few years, Jeff Francoeur has taken to the hill, but until earlier this week, he had never pitched in the big leagues. Of course, being on the Phillies put him in the best possible situation to where he might actually have gotten the opportunity.
Customarily, the position pitcher is usually stuck in the game for the last inning, just to give everyone from their teammates to the fans an unusual treat, and the potential for some interesting baseball. The Phillies trotted Jeff Francoeur to the mound in the 7th inning, while down by a bazillion runs to the O’s. And the result? Jeff Francoeur pitched a 1-2-3 inning, the first one of the night, that none of his actual pitcher teammates were capable of producing all night previously.
But lest we forget, this is the all-sucking Phillies, and custom be damned, they have to fuck everything up, even something that should be fun and whimsical like the position pitcher. And so they trotted Jeff Francoeur back out to the mound for the 8th inning, and despite his previous inning’s success, now his rusty repertoire was known by the opponents, and the results showed: a home-run, three walks, a sac-fly, and two more runs scored by the O’s.
They can’t even do fun things right.
And the best part about the whole story? The Phillies’ bullpen phone was deliberately left off the hook, so that there could be no chance for the team to actually warm up an actual relief pitcher, to relieve a position player playing out of position, from bleeding to death on the mound. Ultimately, Jeff Francoeur mercifully hurled 48 pitches and finished his at-first-fun-then-shitty night, and the Phillies went home defeated yet again, but the visual of Ryne Sandberg waving a white towel (at the bullpen to get them to put the phone back on the hook) is a metaphor that will stand symbolic for the season as a whole.
God bless Jeff Francoeur.
