Surprise of the century, Hardee’s Aporkalypse biscuit was hardly the culinary miracle that fast food marketing attempts to make it sound like it is. I mean, it’s not like I was expecting the greatest breakfast menu item in history, but it’s almost meme-worthy just how much this fell into the category of marketing versus reality.
Eating satisfaction-wise, it’s actually decent. Sure, they ignored my request to put no egg on it, but since Hardee’s uses a washcloth folded into fourths and calls it an egg, it’s easy enough to remove without fear of any embryo remnants wrecking my digestive system for the afternoon. But combining bacon, ham and sausage and drowning them in two cheeses is pretty self-explanatory when it comes to satiating a fat guy’s craving for a breakfast biscuit.
I think the biggest fallacy of Hardee’s is that they market something called the Aporkalypse, but completely fail to include all the porks that the restaurant offers. Because adjacent to the sign on the window that boasts the Aporkalypse, there’s also a giant sign for this pork chop and gravy biscuit that they offer. Yet the Aporkalypse boasts all this pork but completely fails to offer up a prevalently marketed pork!
Fat guy problems, yes I know.
Anyway, just because the name was so catchy, I had to make trying the Aporkalypse a reality. In the end, it wasn’t that bad. Would I get it again? Probably not, because Hardee’s aren’t so frequently available to where I’d want to go hunt one down every time I wanted one. In fact, the one I went to was surprisingly difficult to get to, due to an unexpectedly crowded Saturday morning, and the drive-thru was so long, I opted to go inside to pick up my order.
Which was a mistake in itself, because fast-food shitholes are accustomed to prioritizing the drive-thru customers first, leaving one guy on register inside, and where apparently the only people who go into restaurants to order are retards like me, and the assholes who try to get all sorts of intricate customized orders from a fast food restaurant like scrambled eggs, when they’re not even offered.
The Aporkalypse created a want for me to eat at Hardee’s for the first time in ages, but now that I have, I can’t really say that there’s much of a need until something else catchy-named comes around. It’s too difficult to stand toe-to-toe with breakfast staples like Bojangles and Chick Fil-A, and not even the rise of Aporkalypse can measure up.
