I think that unless you’re living under a rock, most people have heard now about the United Airlines debacle where a passenger had his seat “re-accommodated” which was apparently corporate-ese for “physically removing from aircraft by means of yanking them out of seat, bashing their face into an arm rest and dragging a bloodied body away while numerous other passengers video record the whole incident and let it go viral on social media.”
Yes, it’s truly horrific that this happened, yes, United Airlines has found seemingly the worst possible combination of choices in a field of many, and yes, United Airlines is already in the fallout of a lifetime having lost at the time I’m writing this nearly $1.4 billion in lost stocks, sales, partnerships and other financial channels, with the number continuing to escalate as the saga continues. By now, we’ve seen the videos, we’ve read the crocodile-teared apologies, and seen the endless litany of hilarious memes. We’ve all got our opinions about United Airlines, and our own thoughts on the story that we know of.
Most are appalled by United, and probably would make a conscious effort to avoid them moving forward, and that’s completely understandable. Lots of people feel bad for the man, basically targeted, assaulted and basically a sacrificial lamb in this captivating story; it also doesn’t help that he was a minority, although imagine how much worse would this story be if he were black? And just about everyone by now has had a good laugh at a meme about the situation that has probably created way more awareness to the story than there would’ve been from people who simply pay attention to the news.
Personally though? Not only would I not boycott United Airlines, I’m the guy on the hunt looking for cheap airfare through United. They’re going to be in such defensive damage control in light of this situation that they’re going to have to be rolling a red carpet out that may as well be a time machine to when fares weren’t legalized rape, benefits will have to outdo the competition and bags will undoubtedly have to become free again. Fuck, if I had any remote clue how to play the market and had a broker, I would be picking up United shares right now, because they’ve plummeted so far into the earth that Michael Bay is probably considering making a shitty disaster movie about it, because as history has proven, they will inevitably recover and go back up, and I’d make a pretty penny probably.
As for the victim? Sure, I feel bad for the guy, and nobody should really want to be a screaming and wailing martyr who is video taped getting physically manhandled and seen by billions, but let’s also consider the very likely reality of the situation as well: he is going to get paid. The question isn’t “is he going to get seven figures?” it’s more like “is he going to get eight?”
United ain’t poor. Fuck no, no operational airline is poor, no matter how much they cry poor in order to justify constantly raising fares and adding fees. United is rich as fuck, undoubtedly, and among the $1.4 billion of potential earnings they’ve just lost, they are without any doubt at all, going to lose a notable chunk more when the Asian guy sues the ever living shit out of them. It will be such a layup that even Patrick Ewing couldn’t miss it, and United will undoubtedly be on their hands and knees to beg to settle, and because it’s such an open and shut case, the settlement will have to be Oprah-money in order to be remotely considered.
Mr. Re-accommodated is going to be rich as fuck, very, very soon, make no mistake. As much as it sucked to have gone through such a humiliating ordeal, it’s probably also the best thing to ever have happened to him, because he’s basically been given a golden ticket to a tremendous amount of fuck-you wealth because United was dumb and didn’t know how to handle an easily remedied situation.
And honestly, I’m kind of jealous. I would gladly, gladly be willing to take a public ass-beating, filmed by many and seen by billions, if I knew I was going to be getting compensated to the amount that would probably set me up for the rest of my life. I’d scream and wail and be fine looking all pathetic as sand-bagged the cops as they dragged me off the plane. If I didn’t have to work in an office or for someone else for the rest of my life as a result, I need to start booking on nothing but United from now on, and hope that they’ll target me for re-accommodation, and try not to jizz my pants if they ever identified me as someone who did.
I know many people are sympathetic to Mr. Re-accommodated’s public ass-kicking, but I think I kind of hate him now. He’s going to be rich as fuck really soon, and I’m not, and for really doing nothing at all but standing his ground. God, I wish that could’ve been me.
