Every now and then I feel like the world gets a little too oversaturated in white people things. I mean I know white people like to believe that the entire planet revolves around them, and they go through extraordinary measures to keep things feeling that way, but every now and then I feel like the cauldron burns extra hot and the bullshit bubbles over to the point where it needs to be pointed out how excessive they’re being.
This past weekend was a good example of just how white things were getting, and how, at least to the eyes of this not-white person, how either frightening, obnoxious, insufferable or all of the above, it feels to be alive in this world while not also white.
So Friday kicks off with the very white past time of shooting up a school, where I didn’t have to wait for the release of any names to take bets that the shooter was probably white. Sure, he had a very Greek name, but when the day is over, he still fuckin’ white.
At this point, there’s really not much else to say about school shootings and gun control. Considering there’s a shooting incident at a school at almost a weekly basis now, after the incident in Florida it wasn’t so much of an if it ever happens again, it was always a matter of when it was going to happen again. After Texas, it’s not a matter of false promises, and the also-very white past time of saying thoughts and prayers; at this point, it’s not if this is going to happen again, it’s simply that the days without incident sign just gets reset to zero.
Saturday morning featured something that I haven’t seen white people get so excited and hot and bothered about in previous iterations, with the Royal Wedding between Prince Ginger and that chick from Suits, one of the few USA Network shows to stand on its own without the WWE crutch. Seriously, it was kind of astonishing to me just how much white people cared about the marriage between two people in England, over absolutely anything and everything happening in the United States, like the high school shooting that occurred less than 24 hours previously, but they really seemed to be making a tremendous deal about it.
I don’t really remember people talking about viewing parties when Prince William got married, or all the lame desperate housewife morning network shows spending so much time talking about how to get the most out of your royal wedding viewing parties, but then again I cared about as much of that wedding as I did this one. But for what it’s worth, it wasn’t just people on television or the scuttlebutt chatter of people talking about the upcoming royal wedding, it’s people in my workplace, and people heard in public that are interested in it.
Again, I’m astounded how much people care about people who have zero impact on their daily lives, much less exist on the same continent, but I’m not the least bit surprised that the vast majority of people who do, are white. It’s convenient how the media tends to forget that Harry was pretty much an asshole all through his growing up and through adolescence, and presumably still probably is in more private company, but that’s kind of the benefit of being royally white I suppose. But Megan Markle isn’t as entirely fortunate, and I have to admit I’ve gotten a kick out of just how frequently British media likes to take stabs at the roles she’s portrayed in her acting career, most notably the scene in the shitty 90210 remake, where she was giving some Ryan Jones a blowie in the car. Even though it’s a scene in a role, it’s still kind of arousing to think of the newest member of the royal family fellating dudes in cars.
And then on Sunday, we had Preakness, which there’s fewer things on the planet that could possibly be whiter than horse racing. Never mind the inhumane nature of horse racing itself, I don’t even have to Google search the phrase to know that the event was an atom bomb of white privilege, where a bunch of Chads and Ryan Joneses paraded around in pastel seer sucker suits and their Trishas and Kierstens took selfies and made duck faces in tacky sundresses and abnormally large white people hats. Everyone got drunk, at least ten women got roofied, and some horses ran in the background which one of them will probably die trying to win the triple crown of white people horse races.
Frankly, I’d rather see a foot race between privileged white people than seeing horses race. At least under their own manpower, a footrace between actual people would undoubtedly result in lots of cheating, physical altercations and probably a whole lot more entertainment than watching jacked up horses run while getting mercilessly cropped by some short white guys that don’t classify as little people.
But anyway, this was undoubtedly a whitest weekend ever for the ages; Preakness might be an annual event, but it’s not too often that it would sit on the same weekend as a royal wedding. Lord only knows how many more kissing cousins in that inbred family are left for the media to latch onto next. But the cherry on top is the wild card for mass shootings by a white person, that just so happened to fall on the exact same weekend, which most certainly makes this a once-in a whitey kind of weekend, that just goes to show just how insufferably delusional white culture sometimes is.
