If it’s not clear by now, I’m a very nostalgic person. I get kicks out of internet content that puts the spotlight on things in the past, I take enjoyment in reminiscing, and one of my favorite features of theFacebook and one of the only things that I routinely indulge in is the memories feature that shows you the things you may or may not have posted on that day in previous years.
With that latter thing, I was pleased to see that I could integrate such a function into my brog when I got it back up and running again, and even if I don’t have the time to write, I try to make a few seconds each day to refresh my main page and glance at the kinds of slop that I’ve posted in prior years, most of which is poorly-aged trash, but occasionally there are some things that I’ve churned out that even I look back at positively.
Naturally, March 5th will forever be immortalized as an important date in my history through the end of time, but before we get into the sappy meat of this post that I’ll likely have a hard time remaining dry-eyed while writing, I like to glance back at my own history, to see what trash I’d written in the past that I could make the lame joke about how that was the focal point of historical Marth 5ths of yesterday instead of the obvious.
It’s funny to think about how in prior March 5ths the most important things in my life were getting Garen in an ARAM game of League of Legends, or how I appeared to have been triggered by an SNL skit where they took a cheap shot at Waffle House, or when I found out that of all the Marvel properties in existence, fucking Morbius is the one that is slated to get a film, starring none other than the gross-looking STD-riddled magic troll, Jared Leto.
Obviously, everything changed in the March 5th of 2020, when one of the most important milestones in my entire occurred, and has permanently elevated the date to a point where anything else in the past has become inconsequential and white-noise, and only exists to be ironic, and where in the future I won’t even bother planning on posting anything on the date, and try to manage any non-birthday posts to occur before or after the date alternatively.
Regardless, it’s been approximately one year since the birth of my daughter, my first child, and pretty much the largest event that has occurred in my life. Sure, getting homes and getting married are massive deals in their own rights, but neither involve the manifestation of another human being coming into the world, so I think I have to give the torch of priority to this specific birthday, the first of forever, as far as the rest of my life is concerned.
Admittedly, I often struggle when it comes to writing, and it’s not always as easy I hope it can be, and the words don’t flow out of my brain and through my fingers and into a word doc as smoothly as I always hope they do. But I look back at my post from a year ago, the words I wrote on the evening my daughter was born, while sitting on an uncomfortable hospital makeshift bed platform while my wife slept after her C-section. I remember being exhausted from the toll of the day, but I was adamant and refused to rest myself until I knew my wife was finally able to sleep herself, and I had my brain dumped out from all of the events of the day.
The words written that day, I remember being in such a zone and a mental state, that I often times look back and wonder how I can ever get back to there again. I remembered every single detail of the day and was so easily capable of recalling all the little details that led up to the point where I remember power walking out of work, the rage I felt in the car when traffic came to a standstill, and the rushing I did in the parking garage and the hospital until I reached my wife’s room.
I often wish that I could get there again, but frankly, life’s been too hectic and busy since then, and I don’t really think that I’ve been capable of doing so since then. But that’s alright, because when the day is over, even my beloved brog that I pour my soul into on a regular basis, takes a backseat to my daughter and the rest of my family. Sure, it makes me anxious when my brog goes dormant for too long, but that only affects me and is otherwise inconsequential to every other molecule in existence.
So year one is in the books, and I really genuinely cannot say that I haven’t been a happier person for it all since. Sure, I’ve hit spikes of stress, frustration and discontent with life periodically, but what person can’t say they’ve been in the same boats? My job still sucks and suckles at my soul on a daily basis, and I definitely go through my bouts of anxiety and frustration, but the difference now is that I’ve got this continually growing, 20 lb. bundle of warmth and love that always, always snaps me back to a point of neutrality or positivity, but mostly positive, because few things have ever been able to bring me back like the beautiful face of my infant daughter.
To say that I’ve taken to fatherhood well would something of an understatement. I love that I’m now a father, and parenthood suits me quite snugly. I have a lot of love, care and affection to give, and few are better to be a receiver of all of this sappy shit than my own offspring, who doesn’t have the capability to articulate how much she might or might not want it, nor the physical capability to resist da-da’s superior adult strength and the ability to pick her up and snuggle at any time.
Teething and sleep regressions were definitely some hard-hitting baseball bat smacks throughout the year, but like many negative things, they do and have passed, leading to fairly comfortable and pleasant routines that I find comfort in, having controlled environments and settings in which I could simply watch and observe my child grow and develop.
In spite of the turmoil, nonsense and overall crappiness of the world outside the doors of our home, it really has been one of the greatest years of my life. I am often filled with love and hope and optimism as far as being a dad is concerned, and without question, becoming a parent has been nothing but a positive thing for my life.
Not a day goes by where I don’t swell with pride and happiness at being the father to my daughter, and no matter the circumstances of my work life and my other aspects of my personal life, I always have a feeling of excited anticipation at the end of each day, and I look forward to the next morning when I can see, regardless of how tired or not I am. I happy cry more than a grown man should probably admit to, but it’s involuntary when I’m at peace with my child.
Life changed forever on this day last year, and not one bit of it for the worst. I can only hope that the rest of my forever, stays on this general course for the for as long as I’m around. But so long as my daughter and family continues to bring me happiness on a regular basis, I think there’s a good chance for that.
