Tag: fail

Looks like someone else forgot to carry a one

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

Something to mull over in pound-me-in-the-ass federal prison: Zulily employee attempts similar scheme from Office Space to similar results, but isn’t bailed out by an arsonist

Ultimately, the best part about this whole story is that it’s just a great excuse for everyone to make Office Space references all over again.  Like, people don’t realize just how timeless of a film Office Space really is, and that it was so perfectly created that it could very easily be watched in any decade with minimal age cringe, and still be relatable.

I just like how there were people out there who actually thought 20 years was sufficient time past the release of the film to think that they could actually get away with trying to enact the same plan as from the movie.  But then they somehow manage to make the same critical error in their program, and basically come to the exact same result as in the film, which was roughly around $300,000.

I mean, if fictional Initech were going to notice $300k, then a real company like Zulily was definitely going to notice $300k.  I don’t know if this guy and his team forgot to carry a one over somewhere in their code, or more likely just weren’t particularly bright, but it’s hilarious to think that they thought they would get away with this.

Worst part about the changing of the times is that companies like Zulily are largely virtual and decentralized now, so even if they did have an arsonist in place to be their contingency plan, all their data was probably all cloud-based anyway, so short of knowing what server farm in what continent it was running off of, the likelihood of them burning down the right one probably wouldn’t have been very high.

All the same, thanks to this story, Office Space is back in the forefront again, and perhaps the worthless kids of today can watch it and get a glimpse of what waits for them in the future, and bring them back down to earth a peg or two.

Oh, Atlanta #428

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

lol’d – drag racers get stuck on railroad tracks while trying to evade police

For every Fast & Furious installment, there are probably about 75,000 clowns who think they have the driving skill to successfully evade the police and maybe 1% of them that actually can.

What the story does not necessarily make clear is if the cars went off-road and ended up on the physical tracks themselves like survivors in The Walking Dead, or if they got stuck on a railroad crossing, because the CSX lines run all through Atlanta, and it really could be either.  I’m assuming that it was the former, and these clowns got off the streets and ended up in the giant rail yard kind of close to the location, where they got stuck because their Chargers or Mustangs aren’t meant for off-roading much less the impact of driving all over rails, but I like to imagine it was the latter situation, and they simply got stuck at an ordinary railroad crossing.

It’s like whenever we all take driver’s ed at some point, there’s always a small section about railroad crossing safety, and it’s always about if your car gets stuck on the rails, don’t stay in your car, etc, etc, with the very obvious consequence being getting plowed by a train.  Now I may be tempting fate and Murphy’s Law by writing this out, but I’ve always been more curious on how people manage to get so perfectly stuck on a railroad crossing in the first place?

Like, even if you noticed that your car was stalling out or dying as you’re approaching the tracks, surely momentum of a 2,500+ lb. vehicle should roll you over the crossing, or perhaps you might not be so braindead as to apply the brakes and come to a stop before even approaching them?

But assuming such would be giving too much credit to the clowns that actively partake in the Atlanta street racing scene in the first place.  Firstly, they decided to do their bullshit drag racing and burnouts on a dead-end road, so when the cops did show up, they were probably boxed in, and they had no choice but to flee off-road.  But to anyone who’s ever been on this street, perhaps to go to an Atlanta Brewing Company happy hour or booze cruise maybe, might have noticed the massive amounts of tire marks on it in the first place, from countless bozo predecessors.  Clearly APD eventually realized the layup it would be to simply stake out the street and eventually some clowns would show up to be clowns, and sure enough they did.

But I still like to think that all the events happened kind of in slow motion, and that the perps in question were able to evade the cops for a short period and get around their road block.  But then they go to the simple railroad crossing on Collier an inexplicably went from 65 mph to 0 and stuck right on the middle of the tracks, to where the fuzz caught up to them and immediately apprehended them.

Now that’s the kind of shit I’d like to see on the TikToks and Instagram handles all these attention-starved hoons plaster all over their rides.  Got to work in that social commentary shade without having to dedicate an entire post to it, bonus!

The World Cup summed up in one picture

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

  • No booze allowed in stadiums
  • Players and attendees expected to adhere to Islamic laws, primarily abstaining from sex, alcohol and consumption of meat
  • Allegations of people paid to be fans
  • News then broke of said payment to said fans were reneged upon
  • Controversy over the disallowing of rainbow armbands, threatening actual in-game punishment for those who defy, resulting in players all not wearing them in fear of yellow card penalties
  • Qatar was the first host country team in World Cup history to lose their opener, mostly because they had no business participating in the first place
  • Argentina also lost their opener, to Saudi Arabia, in a highly speculated (by me) fixed match
  • The World Cup app used for attendees to access stadiums crashed, resulting in hundreds of fans unable to get into games
  • Cristiano Ronaldo’s signing with a Saudi club for a gozillion dollars overshadowed Portugal, resulting in him falling out with the team and getting benched
  • Argentina and the Netherlands had a battle royale disguised as a futbol match where there were 18 yellow cards issued and a player kicking a ball full force into the Netherlands’ bench, erupting in a fight
  • American sports journalist, Grant Wahl, has an aneurism and dies, in the middle of the Argentina/Netherlands match
  • Underdogs Croatia and the first-ever African and Arab nation, Morocco, advanced to the semi-finals
  • But got bounced by powerhouses, Argentina and France
  • And despite ugly matches against Saudi Arabia and the Netherlands, Argentina ends up winning the World Cup
  • Where goalkeeper Emi Martinez immediately makes an ass of himself and his country with this meme-worthy photo that will plague the rest of his career and Argentinian futbol until the end of time

However, despite all of my criticisms and snarky tone in regard to the Qatar World Cup that shouldn’t have happened, even I have to admit that it was one of the most exciting tournaments, like ever.  At least as long as I’ve had any interest in World Cup futbol.

In spite of the typical powerhouse final between Argentina and France, there was a level of parity shown by a lot of the world, saying they’re catching up in terms of skill.  Even Korea made my entire tournament by winning a critical match against Portugal in dramatic fashion.

Goalkeepers stole the show in my opinion, with numerous GKs throughout the field demonstrating all sorts of ice water in their veins, stopping shots and looking like gods throughout the numerous shootouts that occurred once the knockouts began.  Croatia and  Morocco’s especially did yeoman’s work for their countries en route to their path to the semis, and had either of their semi matches went to PKs, the ending might’ve been a different story.

So it’s kind of an unsurprising irony that Emi Martinez ends up winning the Golden Glove award for best GK of the tournament.  He won it solely because he was basically the last GK standing for the winning club, but not because he really deserved it.  Sure, he stopped France twice in the shootout that decided the game, but the reality is that he still let Mbappe and even the Saudi club eat his lunch numerous times beforehand.

And maybe it’s because he’s aware of the irony that he decides to act like a clown with his award, but more likely because the fact that he’s just a dumb jock, lucking into success at a children’s game.  Either way, as funny as I do think the photo is, I have this feeling that this is a shot that will lead to a lot more regret than it will entertainment for him.  Not only is going to be immortalized in countless memes in coming years and generations, it’s going to be the poster image of any and all goalkeeper fuckups, Martinez’s, Argentina’s, Liverpool’s or anyone else’s.

Championship glory lasts forever, especially for those who experience it first-hand, but a good mocking meme not only also lasts forever, but it has greater reach to those among the casuals and those just looking on the internet for people to pile on to.  The glory of Messi’s triumph will live for those who love futbol, but the goofiness of Martinez will reach far beyond and define the entire tournament for the unofficial wrath of the internet.

Anyone who thought the Braves were going to keep Swanson doesn’t know the Braves

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

Shocker of the century: Dansby Swanson signs with the Chicago Cubs, parting ways with his hometown team Atlanta Braves

Before we get to Swanson, I just wanted to take this opportunity to lol very heartily at the breaking news that Carlos Correa failed his physical with the Giants but then was immediately swooped up by the Mets for comparable money (12 years, $315M), and it doesn’t help the narrative that nobody wants to play for the Giants which tickles me pink.

As the subject states, anyone who thought that the Atlanta Braves had any chance at all at retaining hometown boy, Dansby Swanson, simply doesn’t know the Atlanta Braves at all.  It was such a foregone conclusion when the Braves either didn’t try hard enough or just didn’t try at all and didn’t extend him when they had the chance, that he was gone as soon as he hit free agency.

Honestly though, I’m not the least bit mad about it.  Sure, it puts the Braves in a pretty big hole of losing an above-average caliber shortstop, and on paper they’re weaker than they were the year prior when they won the division in exciting fashion.  Not to mention it doesn’t help that the Phillies and Mets have both dropped massive money on upgrading at the shortstop position, and on paper, should both be surpassing the Braves in 2023.

Perhaps it’s the fact that I’m still in the fan hangover of the 2021 World Series champion Braves that shields a number of years afterward from abject criticism.  Maybe it’s because I’m just such a fan removed from the minutiae of the team that it doesn’t bother me.  Maybe it’s because I knew there was a 0% chance that he was going to come back and I like being proven right.  Or maybe it’s because baseball is a bigger crapshoot than any other sport, and the Braves will plug someone in at the six, catch lightning in a bottle and still remain competitive in a suddenly white-hot NL East on paper.  Or maybe it’s a combination or bits and pieces of all of the above, but I just don’t really care that Swanson isn’t coming back, regardless of how much of a competitive disadvantage it puts the Braves at to not have him.

Dansby Swanson has nothing left to prove staying on the Braves, and the Braves don’t really gain much benefit in dumping a ton of money into keeping him.  He’s the hometown kid from Kennesaw, Georgia who contributed towards the franchise’s first World Series in 27 years, all while making team-controlled money.  As far as Braves Corporate goes, this was the best-case scenario that they could have asked for, and now the real financial commitment to him belongs to the Cubs and not them.

Continue reading “Anyone who thought the Braves were going to keep Swanson doesn’t know the Braves” →

NJPW Television Championship blet: WTHF

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

While I was chatting wrestling with my bros, I thought about how New Japan’s upcoming Wrestle Kingdom, which is the equivalent to their Wrestlemania, was looking like a really stacked show, and if not for the fact that it started at 3AM the following day for us in the west, I would totally be interested in watching it.  Just the two matches between Kenny Omega vs. Will Osperay and Jay White vs. Kazuchika Okada are enough to sell the entire show, but really NJPW doesn’t ever have a bad Wrestle Kingdom, top to bottom.

Looking at the rest of the card, most of the other matches seem very appealing, even if it does contain the further stripping of titles off of FTR who will undoubtedly lose the IWGP titles in the triple threat match they’re in, and seeing the new IWGP Women’s champ Kairi (Sane) on the card seems as good as place as any for the rampant news that Sasha Banks will be appearing, to come to fruition.

But the one match that caught my attention immediately, and one that I had no idea was even developing was the finals of a tournament . . . for a brand new championship, the NJPW Television Championship.Obviously this means that there’s a new blet, and when there’s blets, there’s me, hoping it’s awesome so that I could hope to get a replica for my collection, but at the same time hoping it sucks, so that I won’t be tempted to plop down $300-400 I don’t have for something that’s useless and I don’t really need.

Well the good(bad) news is that the design of the blet is this gigantic ball of what the fuck, as in this is the worst fucking designed blet since the days of the NWA territories, and their blets were basically made out of scrap aluminum and Peg Bundy’s pants.

Seriously, I haven’t had a blet boner go flacid so quickly since the old Ring of Honor TV blet whose plates were so vertically long that it couldn’t not be a literal cockblock.  The NJPW TV blet does absolutely nothing for me except say what the fuck, every time I look at it, because nothing about it makes any god damn sense.

Firstly, it’s completely boring and uninspiring, with the shapes of the plates being some fucking rectangles.  The baby shit brown color of the strap with the weird gold piping trim don’t do it any favors, and I just don’t get why all promotions seems so determined to steer away from traditional, classic black straps.

But then the designs of the plates themselves, are nothing but eye-scrunching puzzling.  For starters, it’s deviating from the norm and is not being classified as an IWGP championship; for the matter it’s not really being classified as just an NJPW championship but an NJPWWorld.com title.  As in it is a championship belt that represents a website and nothing else.

And despite the fact that they’re calling it the NJPW Television championship, the word “television” doesn’t appear anywhere on the strap itself, but don’t worry the URL NJPWWorld.com is on it five fucking times, so that anyone who sees the blet who misses it the first four times might still see the address on the fifth spot on the left side plate.

The only thing that gives any hint that it’s for television is on the side plates, which basically has a clipart of an early 2000’s monitor with a gigantic PLAY button on it next to the NJPW lion crest, naturally accompanied by one of the five NJPWWorld.com URLs, so I guess it sort of represents digital media.

I know IMPACT! gets a lot of flack being the spiritual successor to TNA, but at least they have the wherewithal to name their blet the “Digital Media (world) championship,” have the name of it on it, and have a blet that doesn’t look like shit.  For all the weeb-y praise and credit NJPW gets, in this regard, they just got dunked on, hard, by fucking IMPACT! of all other promotions.

Finally, the last criticism I have for this turd blet is the silhouette behind the primary NJPW World wordmark on the center plate.  I have no idea what that is supposed to be.  Usually, blets like to have silhouettes of continents or countries, to signify the regions they’re supposed to represent, but I can’t really make out what’s in the background of this one.  Despite being for a Japanese website, the silhouette kind of looks like North America if global warming raised the sea levels, sunk most of Mexico and western Canada and thinned Florida out.  Or maybe it’s eastern Asia despite the fact that NJPW doesn’t operate in any of those countries.  But all the same, I think the heat can get off of the NXT UK Tag blets for not actually having the UK visible on their plates, because at least some recognizable country is comprehensible.

The bottom line is that the NJPWWorld.com YouTube Championship blet looks like garbage.  If I’m Zack Sabre, Jr., I’m pleading with whomever has the book in New Japan to not have me win the championship, because it would be a colossal embarrassment to be seen having to carry around a shitty looking title as such.  It would undoubtedly be better to be a non-champion than have to carry around a clown championship, and if there’s one thing the WWE and WCW has taught wrestling fans throughout the years, there very much are championships that sandbag careers than benefit them.

The NJPWWorld.com Digital Streaming NJPWWorld.com Championship definitely, definitely is one of them.  What the holy fuck indeed.  There’s absolutely no desire for me to track down a Pakistani bootleg replica of this, even if Rusev/Miro were to set Tony Khan on fire and burn AEW to the ground and make the jump to New Japan that I foretold years ago and won this piece of shit en route to fulfilling his destiny as IWGP World champion.

That’s a whole lot of words to say “because we suck”

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

lol’d heartily: San Francisco Giants GM Farhan Zaidi tries to explain the difficulty of signing free agents because nobody likes the city

I remember when my baseball travels took me to San Francisco, I looked forward to the trip.  Years of watching stuff like Full House and Mrs. Doubtfire made the city seem like a pretty cool place, but at the same time, as a sports fan, I was a little skeptical, because as far as baseball was concerned, it became pretty common knowledge that San Francisco was the city that was 69F all year long, and their sports fans were among the most insufferably obnoxious ones in existence.

All the same, I looked forward to the trip as I did most all of my baseball trips, because regardless of the preconceived notions, it was still a place I’d never been to before, and I always relished the opportunity to see new places.

After my trip was over, I had decided that it was a good enough trip, but as a whole, I really wasn’t that impressed with San Francisco.  Everything everywhere was ridiculously expensive, the weather really was static, and it was just a difficult city to traverse in general.  As far as ballparks were concerned, I thought Oakland’s decrepit mausoleum of a ballpark was the better place to watch a game, and the sports culture was everything I had expected before going there.  Giants clearly cared more about the scene than they did the team, and even when they were getting stomped by the rival A’s, the fans still went ballistic for the Fist Pump Cam, and I’d never felt more embarrassed for other human beings in my entire life.

Despite the hype and perception and the self-importance from those in the Bay area, San Francisco was not a city I am that fond of, and I have little motive to want to visit again without good reason.

So I was quite tickled pink to read this article where the Giants’ GM Farhan Zaidi maybe said a little too much in an interview, because he basically said that free agents don’t want to sign with his team because the city kind of sucks.  He cited a couple of things that were not at all sports-related, and the author of the aforementioned story injected a little bit more of their own opinion into the article trying to smokescreen it as Zaidi’s.

But they mention stuff like homelessness and drug problems in the city, and although they don’t expressly say it, their use of sociological factors is basically trying to skirt around the fact that San Francisco is pretty well known to be one of the gayest cities in America, and I don’t say that with any hint of criticism or animosity, after all I’m in Atlanta, which is probably right behind them in population of the LGBTQ+.

Ballplayers probably don’t care about homelessness or drug use in the city, what they’re more likely to care about it the fact that it’s an expensive as fuck city to live in, and even the biggest of superstars are going to have a hard time trying to find a place to live, having to compete with all tech millionaires and billionaires that live in Silicon Valley.  Over the last few years, there have been numerous professional athletes who have turned away opportunities to play in New York and Canada over anticipated tax costs, and gone to places like Texas and Florida where tax laws aren’t as costly, they get that granular with their money.  San Francisco and the highest real estate costs in the country aren’t very likely to be that attractive to anyone, much less professional athletes.

Maybe the more country bumpkin athletes might have an objection with living in a blue state full of the gays, but it’s more likely that what will drive them away is a city with horrendous traffic and mountainous hills where they can’t drive their sports cars around in and have any fun, but it really was hilarious that the author of the post cited being the home to Nancy Pelosi as a potential reason why Aaron Judge wouldn’t sign there.

The thing is, no life-long Bay area resident would ever publicly decry their hometown to anyone other than other Bay area lifers.  Hometown criticism is like mom jokes, as in only we are allowed to make them, but coming from outside us, fuck you.  So it makes it that much more entertaining to me, that a notable representative of the city in the form of the hometown baseball club’s general manager goes on the record to point out all the faults why free agents wouldn’t want to sign there.  I’m sure he’s going to be a popular fellow until the next shiny distraction emerges.

Naturally, at the time I’m writing this, word drops that the Giants succeeded in signing shortstop Carlos Correa to a 13-year megadeal worth $350 million.  Most interestingly about the initial details is that I’ve noticed that there are no opt-out clauses, which means I really hope Correa likes the city, because he’s going to be there for quite some time.  Hopefully he knew what he was getting himself into, otherwise it’s going to suuuuuck.

Either way speaking of suuuuuuuck, suck it, San Francisco.  Y’all are an overrated city that nobody outside of it likes.  I relish in the fact that coronavirus exposed the town more than any other in America and their ridiculous real estate market took a notable hit, and it almost nearly gets some blood flow to hear that the Giants’ own GM think the city sucks too.

Dad brog (#103): Dad’s solo blow off trip

~ dannyhong ~ Leave a comment

I think any of my zero readers might have been able to tell through tone and topic, especially in these dad brogs, that parenthood has been challenging throughout the last year or so.  Two kids at their ages in the conditions we are in societally, have taken their toll on me, and I’ll be the first to admit that since the start of COVID which coincided almost perfectly with the birth of #1 have put me into a bubble that I often struggle to get out of and it’s up for debate on whether or not I’m even out of it at all.

I know that I’ve struggled tremendously with keeping my cool, and that I will never accept the perceived shortcomings of the rest of the world as being the norm now, as reasons for my mental wellbeing, or lack of it.  I’m extremely irritable, little makes me happy, I struggle to enjoy just about anything and I’ve basically forgotten how to live for myself because so much of my life is spent being a parent and taking care of just about everything but myself.

It’s hard for me to really let go of things and unwind, when I’m constantly in this state of feeling overworked and taken for granted.  That if I don’t do things, things don’t get done, at work or at home, and that there are many instances where if the result of me taking any sort of time off is just a backlog of bullshit for me to have to deal with when I get back, then I question having taken it in the first place.

The last few trips I’ve taken with my family have been challenging, because two kids as young as my own are a tremendous handful and I’m always trying to be cognizant of their safety and wellbeing to the point where I can’t enjoy myself at any point.  Any time I am afforded to have to unwind always feels inadequate and too short and I’m left wondering why bother, like an ungrateful ingrate.

Regardless, what this all amounts to is the very obvious need for me to have some time away from dad mode, even if it’s on my own.  An opportunity to where I can not be a dad for a few days and try and hope to unwind and relax and recharge just a little bit.  Stare at a walls or screens and not have to worry about clocks or the schedules of other people for a few days.  Let other people feed my kids and hope that they don’t fall victim to their pickiness and that it’s really just dada’s shitty cooking they’re tired of and not really hating things.  Not being the only one cleaning my house on a nightly basis, preparing for the next day when it all has to get done all over again.  Go to sleep with no alarms on, and hope I can actually stay asleep for at least eight hours.

Yes, dada needs this little break.  If it were any more overdue, it would have already been fully foreclosed upon, and being prepared for demolition and the property already sold to CubeSmart.

And in true burned out dada fashion, I slept through my morning alarm to get to the airport, and if not for the Lyft driver to call me at 5 am to ask me where I was, I probably would’ve fucked everything up and everything would’ve been 690% worse.

Better believe I tipped my driver well this morning.  Here’s hoping the rest of my weekend will be successful.