Long story short: Democrat Doug Jones defeats publicly and nationally accused sexual deviant Republican Roy Moore in the Alabama senate race; by a margin of less than 2%
I can’t believe that I’m writing about politics twice in the same week, much less about the dumb state of Alabama, but this is something that I grew remotely intrigued about as the story transpired. Honestly, despite the fact that to like-minded people, the battle between an accused sex offender versus a not(yet accused)-sex offender should seem like a layup victory for the morally superior, I actually would have put my money on Roy Moore. Because, the country I live in has repeatedly demonstrated a sheer lack of decent human values in favor of blind misguided political fanaticism, and I would never have imagined a state like Alabama of all places would have been one capable of snapping out of the tragic pattern.
But I was proven wrong. It’s not often in which I like this result to be the case, but for the sake of the greater good I believe is needed, I’ll take this L with a modicum of relief.
Naturally, despite the fact that it was a battle between an accused sex offender and someone who has yet to be accused, it still ended up being a race tighter than Mariah Carey’s workout apparel, with a margin of victory allegedly less than 2% for Jones. Meaning despite the fact that Roy Moore had been drug through the mud and accusers popping out of the woodwork claiming sexual deviancy, over 49% of educated Alabama voters still voted for the him to represent their state in Washington.
I love how in spite of the narrative between the candidates, it’s still being labeled as “an upset” that the not-sex offender Jones bested the sex-offending Moore. Only in Alabama. But probably also Mississippi, Arkansas, Montana or any other extremely red state if a similar scenario were to occur.
Look, I’m as relieved as any sensible human being that Doug Jones actually won, but it’s still worth pointing out the concerning number of people who still voted for Moore. Over 49% of voters still voted for him, and you know that they weren’t all just chauvinistic redneck men; there are many women who cast their votes for a guy being accused of deplorable behavior towards women; whether or not they were aware of the facts or not, or just blindly going with the Republican because that’s what they’ve always done, who’s to say which is worse?
Whatever though; it’s a relief to see that in a rare instance, sensibility and clearer heads actually triumphed in this day and era, and a pretty known bad guy actually lost in a political voting contest.
And as much as I’ve been shitting on Alabama, right now, some of it is definitely coming from a place of envy. As a Georgia resident, I watched how just months ago, Georgia was in a very similar scenario with the nationally covered race for the sixth, where Democrat Jon Ossoff went up against Republican Karen Handel for the vacant seat. And despite the national attention and intervention and the millions of dollars of support flowing into Ossoff’s coffers, and the sense of urgency at the opportunity for a Democrat to grab a seat in Georgia, it was Handel who still ended up emerging triumphant, leaving Georgia as red as always.
I feel like Georgia had their opportunity to become a political hero state, but squandered it regardless of their monumental resources, because when the day was over, it was still the simple battle between red and blue, with lots of those in either side being blind to all the facts and variables and going on auto-pilot to the polls. And now, that distinction of being a beacon of hope and change, is firmly planted in Alabama, of all places, instead.
And good for them, because they deserved it; even if it still took an extra 2% of people to clear the cobwebs and side with those who believe groping teenagers isn’t right.
But really, I just wanted to give a shout out to my man Charles Barkley whom I recently ran into at the airport, who probably swung a good bit of the Alabama voters himself, as the Auburn alum did a little bit of lobbying and explained to the people in terms that even Alabama residents could understand – to stop looking like idiots.
And now, I have a perfectly adequate excuse to post this sweet (read: turrible) picture of myself and the Round Mound of Rebound, without having to waste it on social media.
In conclusion, congratulations to Alabama for shocking the country and actually voting for the guy who didn’t fuck underage girls. Sure, it was still a way closer victory than it logically should have been, but a win’s a win and bank shots still count. But leave it to Alabama to still look a little dumb, even in the light of victory.
