This past weekend, I found myself watching some movies, which included Rubber, and Sucker Punch. Despite the fact that both movies have absolutely nothing in common in terms of plot, setting, eras, or even actors, I found out that they actually have one gigantic thing in common: Neither of the movies made any fucking sense. I guess you could also say they had some other things in common, like that they both stunk, and were both disappointing.
But I’m not going to lie, I did find it somewhat thought provoking, the essential premise of Rubber, that there is an awareness inherently that there is a ton in the world around us that exists and/or happens for absolutely no reason at all. Sucker Punch, however, was a piece of shit, that if not for the obvious eye candy of Emily Browning parading around in a 13-year old’s wet dream, and in the like-minded sarcastic, unimpressed company in which I watched it with, I probably wouldn’t have bothered to sit through.
It got me thinking though, of a great idea for a movie of my own creation, in the lines of thinking brought on by having watched both Rubber and Sucker Punch. As indicated, it would obviously be called DONKEY PUNCH, and the title of the movie would have absolutely no relevance to the movie at all. Starring in this movie would be Zooey Deschanel, Jenny Lewis, Taylor Swift, Autumn Reeser, the youngest daughter from Step by Step, and Kate Beckinsale as they fight zombies, occasionally each other, and combat racism with gratuitous violence. All while wearing outfits that appeal to my tastes first and foremost. This would have an R-rating, so there would be no shyness about showing some tits here and there, and perhaps some steamy sex scenes thrown in there, since if it’s not obvious what this is turning into. The plot doesn’t really have to really exist, just throw some zombies in there, and some bigots getting curb-stomped in the name of righteousness here and there, and I’m sure we’ll have a winner.
The end scene of this movie however will conclude with the tricycle and the army of tires from Rubber wander through various metropolitan cities, and straight to their hipster parts of town, and the audience would hear the rumbling and cricket chirping sounds, and all the hipsters’ heads would be exploded. And then there would be gratuitous butt-shots of the aforementioned actresses on their hands and knees, having to clean up all the blood and guts of dead hipsters as the world becomes a better place.
fin
