While at my parents’ house, I discovered that they had unearthed a lot of my old toys that still existed in the bowels of the basement, for my nephew to play with. As much as my three-year old nephew was disinterested in a bunch of action figures that he had no idea of whom they were, I was just as ecstatic to take a trip down memory lane of the things I once shelled out money to buy and actually play with when I was still a kid.
Among these figures were all my old WWF action figures, and today’s post is going to be dedicated to just one of those figures: The Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase (series 2).
Historically, DiBiase is one of my all-time favorites, and was a legitimate great wrestler. Even to my amateur eyes as a kid, I recognized him as a talent that stood apart from so many other guys. Before the term “jobber” existed, I knew that ‘ol Ted was better than most by virtue of the fact that he so rarely ever actually lost any matches; whenever he did lose, it was to guys like Hulk Hogan, or via outside interference or the foreign object. Ted DiBiase was a tremendous wrestler back in his day.
But he never really wrestled in The Million Dollar Man suit, which is why I criticize why he’s in it, in his action figure.
For that matter, he bust out the green Million Dollar Man suit maybe like twice to my entire recollection of wrestling history, so why it was decided that the ultra-rare green suit was going to be the one embodied in action figure form was completely also beyond me.
I’m not saying I prefer my wrestling action figures to be in their homoerotic underwear briefs, but when you’re a kid playing with action figures, you’re trying to capture your own fictitious reality, and for a kid like me, it’s hard to imagine up my own matches when guys like The Million Dollar Man are forced to wrestle in their non-ring attire. Not to mention of the sparse “action” moves that all figures were given one of, The Million Dollar Man’s designated action of having a spring-loaded stomp was about the most unimaginative option to give one of the best actual wrestlers of all time. The guy could go 30 minutes in reality without having to use the same move twice, and yet Hasbro saw fit to give his figure the “move” that was abused by fat guys and guys with little to no actual wrestling talent.
The bottom line is that despite being one of the greatest wrestlers in history, The Million Dollar Man’s action figure was presented as if he were one of the worst. I understand that recognition is key with these action figures, but give the juvenile wrestling fans of the early 1990s a little bit of credit instead of assuming them as all dumb enough to be incapable of recognizing Ted DiBiase without the suit on. Unlike a lot of the Hasbro WWF figures, Ted’s head actually looks like Ted DiBiase, and had he actually had the black dollar sign tights to go with it, would have been sufficient enough for most wrestling fans to easily identify it as The Million Dollar Man.
But instead, kids were left with a mockery of a guy in a suit that does nothing but stomp. If I’m playing with this action figure while trying to remain somewhat realistic, all this figure is good for is reenacting post-match run-ins where Ted blindsides a good guy wrestler, and then stomps on him for ten minutes.
He was so way better than that.
