Impetus: May 27, 2014 is the estimated date in which the DC Metro Silver Line opens up the route to Tysons Corner.
Knee-jerk reaction: May 27, 2014 is the estimated date in which Tysons Corner begins its new identity as the second coming of Springfield Mall.
In other words, this is, whether people realize it or not, terrible, terrible news for Tysons Corner, and the surrounding McLean area. A lot of people don’t want to admit it, because it insinuates a hint of racial bias, profiling and other negative connotations, but the demise of Springfield Mall and the commercial death of all surrounding area coincides perfectly with the extension of the blue line and creation of the Springfield-Franconia Metro stop. Like Cinderella’s glass fucking slipper.
With Tysons Corner now accessible by Metro, it’s not a matter of time, it’s definitive fact, that what happened to Springfield Mall is going to happen to Tysons Corner. Bored, disenfranchised youths of Southeast D.C. get a day pass (if they’re not fare-hopping in the first place), hop aboard a train, take the silver line to Tysons, and loiter and hang out at Tysons I all day long. People will begin throwing words like “gangs” and “thugs” and “hoodlums” around as their numbers grow when they realize that this nice giant clean mall is accessible.
Non-existent security measures will begin taking effect to dissuade potential gang activity, like the 2+2 rule where people aren’t supposed to be walking side-by-side-by-side-by-side in lines, blocking walkways and appearing as gigantic cohesive (gangs) groups. The number of bandannas and people walking around in public wearing nothing but wife-beaters will increase. The number of people who look like they’re without a dime in their pocket will outnumber the people who do.
Smart shop owners will break lease, and get the fuck out of there at the cost of a little bit, before they lose everything. In their place will be shoe stores, shoe stores, shoe stores and baby clothes, much to the ironic accuracy of Chris Rock’s interpretation of “the black mall.” A DTLR (whatever that means) will replace Brooks Brothers, Foot Locker and Finish Line will see their stores’ sizes triple, and eventually a store with the word “Urban” in the name will prominently be displaying racing jackets, baseball caps with every NBA team logo on it, and counterfeit products.
MS-13 activity will grow and spread like a plague throughout Tysons I, Tysons II, and the surrounding McLean area, and it’s only a matter of time before the number of automotive break-ins and car-jackings start to increase. Scared white people will reduce their business at Tysons and attempt their best to be off the property when the sun goes down.
Before you know it, someone will be murdered and decapitated in in the Macy’s parking garage, and those who didn’t realize it, will realize it right then and there that there’s nobody to blame for the degeneration of Tysons Corner but Metro.
If there’s one silver lining to the depression foreshadowing of the silver line, is that Fair Oaks Mall and Dulles Towne Center are probably salivating at the potential influx of business that’s going to head in their direction, when people realize that neither of them are (yet) Metro accessible, and are still perceived as potentially safe places to waste time and be out in public.
Either way, mark May 27, 2014 as the day Tysons Corner’s clock begins ticking backward, because “the rich people malls” are on a downhill path to becoming Springfield Mall 2 and 3.
Thanks Metro THANKS OBAMA.
