At long last, mythical girlfriend and I finally caught up and marathoned through the rest of season 3 of the TLC classic, 90 Day Fiance.
To no surprise, as predicted, in spite of some of the seemingly overwhelming relationships blocks that formulated between some of the couples, all of them still managed to successfully make it to the altar and say their vows in holy matrimony, in spite of the fact that most of them will probably not make it even a year with one another. But for what it’s worth, it was still an entertaining season of futility, even if I feel like after three seasons in the books, the formula is running the greater risk of becoming stale and running its course.
Everyone succeeded, regardless of what dealbreakers were broken, because nobody wants to look like a failure on cable television, and the derpiest Mormon couple wed with no real hitch and is naturally the first to announce pregnancy on the post-season tell all episode, again. I think if this show wants to have any success next season, they need to finally have a couple that doesn’t succeed, just to give sadistic fans like myself some sort of proof that not all endings have to be roses and happiness, because that isn’t necessarily reality.
Among this season’s couples, I’m going to say that the happiest, most likely to succeed in genuine happiness is probably Kyle (New Orleans) and Noon (Thailand). Despite his bro-ey, bachelor lifestyle that the viewers are initially introduced to, Kyle is shown to be a man with a lot of substance, consideration for his mail-order, and with some genuine hurt in his past, with the revelation that he has an alcoholic mother. They’re the only couple to genuinely have coped with hurt, pain and growth together, which only fortified their 90-day relationship, and with the massive luxury of finding a Thai Buddhist temple right in New Orleans, it’s a huge luxury for a homesick girl to have a reliable place of guidance and familiarity. Without question, they’ll probably sustain, longer than any of the other couples.
Save for perhaps Josh (Idaho) and Aleksandra (Russia), because of their creepy indoctrination into the Mormon faith. They’ll last because it’s god’s will that they last, and it was the shocker of the century when it was revealed that by the time the tell-all episode aired, Aleksandra was already knocked up with the first of likely a hundred creepy Mormon babies. They faced no adversity together save for some homesickness and reminiscing of Aleksandra’s more debaucherous (read: normal) days, but because they’re weirdo Mormons, they’re going to be fine together, even though Aleksandra probably left a boatload of personal happiness on the table with her choice to become a Mormon and shack up with a square like Josh.
Melanie (Pennsylvania) and Devar (Jamaica), despite the fact that their relationship seems kind of green card-pursuant, I think might actually work out. Their only real test throughout time is going to be a fairly superficial financial concern, which is Devar’s generosity towards his sisters and their children back in Jamaica. Initially, Devar stated that it was his intention to ship back 90% of his earned money once he was capable of earning in the United States, back to Jamaica, but after a terse argument and a lot of revisionist backpedaling, they seemed to work through it and proceed with marriage regardless. But if there’s one thing that seemed very genuine throughout their journey is Devar’s quick willingness to step in and be a real father-figure to Melanie’s son Hunter, which leads skeptics like me to think that he wouldn’t put forth such efforts, just to swindle money for his family.
I don’t have a lot of long-term faith that Fernando (Miami) and Carolina (Colombia) have any lasting power, and I still think there’s a high percentage that this relationship is a straight green card alert. Simply put, Fernando is a tool that has admitted to a failed marriage, and numerous times in which he has cheated on his former relationships, as well as Carolina herself in his history. Lord knows how a fat fuck like Fernando manages to actually score with anyone at all, but it doesn’t take a genius to notice the Mercedes and the Miami property to know that whatever he does, he certainly makes a good bit of money. Not helping the relationship is Fernando’s absolutely racist mother repeatedly proclaims to hating Colombians, has free reign to tear Carolina down without Fernando’s intervention, and the fact that Carolina, obviously, could do so, so, so much better than a fat two-timer than Fernando. Needless to say, now that she’s in Miami, it’s only a matter of time before she realizes that she doesn’t have to rush to learn English fluency, and can seek out a better, thinner sugar daddy to save her.
From the get-go, I had pegged Mark (Maryland) and Nikki (Philippines) to be the shoe-ins for this season’s Danielle and Mohamed Official Top Trainwreck. Now it’s hard to say that they don’t deserve such distinction, but a lot of their confrontations were sort of predictable, sad, and downright uncomfortable to watch. Sure, the near 40-year age gap between them led to a lot of awkward conversations and situations, but it got downright sad to watch the dynamic between the ancient Mark incessantly talking down to Nikki, treating her like one of his kids, constantly comparing her to his ex-wife (also Filipino), shooting down the idea of future children. But the coup de grace was when Mark whipped out an extremely one-sided prenup, and basically stated that no signature, no marriage. Followed by an extremely uncomfortable yet surprisingly transparent consultation with an attorney with Nikki, who pretty much said “don’t sign this, you’ll have nothing,” only before Mark basically strong arms Nikki into signing it anyway. Sure, they were a trainwreck, but it was more uncomfortable than it was remotely entertaining.
But if you had asked me who I thought was going to become the biggest heel of the season, I would never have guessed it would be Loren (New York) with her relationship with Alexei (Israel). But a few episodes into the season, and the progression of their journey, it’s pretty clear that Loren is an extremely vapid, self-centered, self-absorbed, extremely high-maintenance sociopath who doesn’t really know how to consider anyone else’s feelings, regardless if they’re her mail-order fiance, or even her own parents, whom she goes full dark side on and accuses them of having a miserable marriage. She repeatedly tries to goad Alexei into a modeling career when all he wants to do is serve people and save lives, and goes to a strip club on her bachelorette party in spite of Alexei’s wish that she doesn’t. The bottom line is that Alexei can easily do better, but since the cameras were rolling, naturally the wedding still happened, and I think it’s only a matter of time before Loren’s domineering and selfish demanding ways will make him realize this, divorce, and whether he goes back to Israel or finds someone else in America, move on to greener pastures.
One way or the other, I’m not surprised, but I’m still disappointed that this season ended with a 100% success rate, same as the prior two seasons. I actually thought there was a chance that Mark and Nikki might actually fail, because of the uncomfortable prenup situation, but Nikki is apparently too young and stupid to realize how precarious of a situation she put herself into, and is only putting herself into a dangerous situation for when Mark at age 65 finds another 19-year old Filipino girl that he wants to conquer when she’s 27.
I think if 90 Day Fiance wants to succeed in the future, they simply need to have some failures to mix in with this formula. 100% success rate isn’t fun, and it’ll be great for viewers to know that there’s a chance that some of these couples, actually don’t succeed.
