I think these guys don’t seem to grasp the notion that they’re in court in the state of Florida.
This is a state that can’t seem to do anything right, the craziest people on the planet originate from, is home to places as vapid and superficial as Miami yet house the vast majority of the United States’ senior citizen populace, and least of all, understand the difference between sarcasm and the literal.
When Floridians hear a snarky remark about how age-4 is the bar in which it’s okay to show sex tapes of anyone older, they just might take it seriously and believe it.
Anyway, this is all in reference to the trial of the (current) century, between plaintiff Terry “‘The Immortal‘ Hulk Hogan” Bollea v. Gawker, the shitty clickbait website that posts a lot of celebrity gossip and a good 40% of the internet’s most putrid literary garbage. In short, the Hulkster is suing the site for $100 million dollars citing violation of his privacy when they posted a sex tape of him banging the wife of a friend, Bubba the Love Sponge. Gawker cites First Amendment rights, and what we ultimately have is a debate over the constitution, it’s just between a retired legendary professional wrestler, a snarky website that has a lot of influence, and it’s over a fuckton of money.
I mean, I have to root for Hulkamania in this, because it’s fucking Hulk Hogan, and he’s like a childhood icon, and Gawker is a shitty website, that I would love to see taken down by the same guy who took down the Iron Sheik and Andre the Giant, and it would be hilarious to see on the annals that Gawker Media is a part of the rogue’s gallery.
And despite the monumental delay in the start of this trial, now that it’s begun, I’m glad to see that it didn’t take that long for it to really devolve into the trainwreck I had hoped it would be. First, we had Hulk Hogan blurring the line between his real-life Terry Bollea life and the manufactured Hulk Hogan persona that he basically lives and breathes, and somewhere along the line tries to additionally blur the facts that somehow Terry Bollea might not have a 10-inch penis, but Hulk Hogan just might. And then we have the douchebags formerly in charge of Gawker forgetting that they’re in Florida and making jokes about how it’s okay to show sex tapes of people as young as 4-year olds, and thinking they’ll actually get away with it.
And that’s just after three days!
Honestly, I don’t really believe that this is going to go that long, because Florida is Florida, and snarky New Yorkers like the Gawker guys are going to learn really quickly that their snark and sarcasm really isn’t going to get over that well in Florida. Not to mention the jury is probably full of one-time Hulkamaniacs, or anything at all, people with deep-seeded resentment towards smarmy New Yorkers, if not both.
Hopefully the result of this all is what I hope to see, which is Hulk Hogan whipping out the creative control card he so deftly wielded throughout his wrestling career, and when he refuses to job to Gawker in court, he instead rips the bandanna of his bald head, rips the clothing off his torso, and drops the physical, and metaphorical big legdrop on Gawker, and walks away with his $100 million dollars, while I am a Real American blares over the PA system.
