It’s been a little bit of time since I didn’t write about a particular subject in mind, and blabbed on about life in general. At least, I think it has; it’s sometimes hard to keep track when my brog is still down, which I’ll address in a little bit.
But saying life were all peaches and honey would be inaccurate, I hate to say. Things are not completely in the toilet by any means, but I’d be lying if I said that I woke up every day and didn’t have a sense of unease and general discontent with life as a whole over the last few weeks, months, and maybe even 2016. Sure, it’s en vogue to talk about how shitty of a year that 2016 has been in terms of people dying, the rise of Donald Trump, and other negative things, but when I stop and think about things in my own little stratosphere, I have to say that 2016 has been a pretty downer of a year.
Sure, my vacations to Europe and Korea were pretty good, and I can definitively pinpoint where I felt the most happiness I have in the year, maybe longer, but in the grand spectrum of the package as a whole, 2016 has been kind of crappy. And as a result, I feel like I’m more often sitting on a happiness rating of like 40, out of a 100 on any given day, with occasional spikes of good times and happy moments sprinkled here and there.
Part of my general discontent with life has to do with the fact that I’m an empathetic person, prone to letting the misfortune and unplesantries of others affect my mood. There’s no denying that part, and it sucks, but I’m an empathetic person who cares about others despite my best efforts to not sometimes.
But I would say the other part has to do with the fact that my future is kind of uncertain as the year winds down, because life is moving forward, I’m not getting any younger, and truth be it, there’s nothing wrong with moving forward; it’s a natural progression of life.
That being said, it’s been decided to prepare my house for selling, and eventual moving out and moving forward. I think this in itself is my primary reason for apprehension and anxiety, because I’m just a person that doesn’t always adapt well to change, or the concept of change.
I think about it, and it’s somewhat astounding that once December rolls around, I’ll have been in my current home for going on 14 years. There were times in my life where I wanted nothing more than to get out of my house and the situation I was in, but the truth of the matter is that at 14 years, this house hands down is where I’ve lived longer than anywhere else in my life. I lived in four different homes in Virginia from birth to my 21st birthday, but in no one of them longer than eight years.
Admittedly, it’s a little bit of a scary thought that I’m going to be leaving my first home that I purchased myself and lived in for 14+ years. Which it probably shouldn’t be, because despite the fact that I like my home itself, I absolutely have grown to loathe and dislike immensely, the area in which my home unfortunately resides. It’s a subdivision that was completely ravaged in the housing crash, and has yet to come close to the recovery that the rest of Atlanta and the rest of the country has been fortunate to have had over the last few years.
And for that reason, it’s going to likely be very difficult to sell my home. It’s not so much that the local housing market has recovered to where I can sell my home, it’s because the fact that I’ve lived in the house for 14 years, that the loans have been paid down to a point where I might be able to break even on what I owe, and have a chance at possibly walking away without owing anything. As I often say in Las Vegas, a push is a win
But until the uncertain time in which I can sell my home comes, I’ve still got to pack up my house and keep it in as good as condition as I can until it does sell. So that means packing things into boxes and consolidating things that I won’t be able to use until they’re really ready to be unpacked in the next place I decide to try and plant some roots in, which means my own possessions are out of commission until an undetermined time in the future. So I’m working to put my home in a state of stacks of boxes so that I can hope to unload my home so that I can move on with my life.
The uncertainty of it all, the putting my life in limbo, is making me feel blah with my life. But it’s essential, because I’m honestly tired of living where I do, in a place that has completely failed to deliver on all the promises and all the potential that was sold to us in 2004. It’s on the moon in relation to the rest of Atlanta, and it’s in an area where people scoff and judge me for living in. Nobody wants to visit, because it’s a long drive, and me myself, grow exasperated and frustrated with the distance as well.
But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m often feeling weary and unhappy with life as whole, because it’s still a change, a change with a large future of uncertain factors. I can’t feel the mood to do anything else anymore, because I feel like I’m letting other people down when I’m not working towards this goal. Yet I have a large queue of things I would like to do, from holiday shopping, watching television, football games, playing League, but I can’t indulge without feeling like I could be more productive packing shit up, but also frustrated that my self-appointed list of tasks grows, and I get really anxious. I grow frustrated and exasperated with the thought of just how much of a gargantuan pain in the ass it’s going to be to try and actually sell the house.
As for the state of my brog which also adds to the frustration and unhappiness, it’s my goal to call 2016 a wash, and have my site migrated to a new server by year’s end. Hopefully, by 2017, my brog will be up and live again, and at least take that negative aspect of my life off the table.
I’m just unhappy, and I want to take the easy way out and just chalk it up as a symptom of 2016, the year everyone is really loving to hate. But I don’t like being unhappy, but there’s really not much I can do about it, currently.
