I am not happy. I have not been happy in quite some time, to be perfectly honest. It has little to do with the year, or things that are happening around the world, because I feel that the state of my country is going down the shitter in my humble opinion, or that the Atlanta Falcons choked the biggest choke there possibly could be in the Superb Owl. Although, alternate outcomes of either of the last two might have made some days brighter than they’ve been, they are not the reasons to why I am not happy.
It’s the world immediately around me that’s making me feel brought down lately. I thought I’d feel a little bit of reprieve when some particular events came and went, and would be in the rearview mirror, but I can’t honestly say that things do. I’m relieved of the unburdening of some of the responsibilities, but the fallout and aftermaths of them linger, and they are still far from resolved, and no matter how much I can tell myself that I shouldn’t care, I still do, because that’s what I do, I care, I give shits, even when I don’t want to.
In a nutshell, my parents’ divorce is going poorly, my family is basically in shambles and I’m in the process of moving all my shit out of the house I’ve lived in for the last 14 years and dealing with a lot of anxiousness pertaining to changes in life. I do not feel like I have an adequate support system behind me leading me to feel like I don’t have people to really speak to without conflicting interests, and it doesn’t matter where I go, because I don’t really feel like anywhere is necessarily home for me right now.
I’m perpetually in a state where it feels like the best I can be sits somewhere in the 90% range any most definitely a far cry from 100%. When I have nothing to do, no objective or task, I feel the most lost, because I think there should always be something productive or indulgent to do.
Which then leads to the notion that I do not know what I am doing with my life right now, and I’ve come to the recent conclusion that I can’t say it’s because of my family situation and the changes in my living situation. Those are excuses. Because I can’t say that I’d know what I’d want to do with my life once those things are resolved and moved on from
Eventually, my parents will resolve their shit, results of which are no longer my concern, and eventually my house will be empty, be sold, and no longer be my house, and then I’ll do my best to acclimate to a new place and take the necessary steps to make such my new home. Until the concerns of today become, concerns of the past, I exist, a little bit on edge, but it’s also worrisome to think about what’s going to happen once they’re in the past, because I don’t necessarily know what I’d be doing while moving forward, either.
Or maybe I’m just having a bad day; who can really tell the difference?
