Because there’s a wrestling analogy for everything: Five Guys defeats In-N-Out Burger as the greatest burger joint all-time now and forever irrefutably
I’d like to start off and say that I am a fan of In-N-Out Burger. Their burgers are definitely tasty, and I will seldom turn down the opportunity to go to one, whenever I go to a city where In-N-Out is available. But when the day is over, my allegiance is with Five Guys. Not just because of our shared Virginia roots and the positive association of basically growing up with the company when they were still just five dinky restaurants scattered across NOVA where you could shuck peanut shells on the ground while you waited for our order.
No, when the day is over, I honestly believe that Five Guys is the better hamburger (and fries) than In-N-Out. And it’s about fucking time that the rest of the country broke out of their antiquated hipster anti-establishment damn-the-man mentality In-N-Out is better brainwashing and came to the same realization.
Five Guys never fails to satisfy a hearty meal; I always finish my In-N-Out #1 with a feeling of should I get something else no don’t be a greedy fat fuck, and I leave with this unfulfilled satisfaction in the pit of my stomach. Five Guys never fails to fill that pit, regardless if I go with a fat double-patty, or feel self-conscious and order a single.
Not to mention the sheer customization available at Five Guys; maybe I want grilled onions and mushrooms on my burger, maybe I want some A1 sauce in with my mayo and mustard. The combinations are essentially infinite, and variety is the spice of life. Sure, everyone knows about the sling words you can say at In-N-Out to get a minor degree of customization, but ultimately, they’re all hidden behind the arrogance of “the secret menu,” to where there are people out there that might actually not know about it because it’s a secret and deny themselves to truly get what they might actually want?
Honestly, the secret menu at In-N-Out should just be Five Guys’ menu. Like, the menu board on the wall swings out, and it’s a literal Five Guys menu underneath it, under the headline “secret menu.”
And let’s not even get started with the fries; In-N-Out fries are good, but they don’t hold a candle to Five Guys. Going animal style and melting a slice of cheese and grilled onions on top of In-N-Out’s isn’t enough to bring them to the level of Five Guys’ hearty and consistently excellent fries, rammed into a cup and with the excess literally dumped into your bag out of a metal bowl.
Often times thrown into the debate is the sheer economy of In-N-Out versus Five Guys. Sure, a #1 at In-N-Out can be had for a little over $7-ish, while a full burger-fries-soda combination at Five Guys will often push the $10 echelon. But damn it, for what you pay for at Five Guys, you are eliminating 100% of doubt that you will not be full and satisfied afterward. And sometimes, I am more than willing to pay that good currency to ensure that I walk away fat, stuffed, and with no regrets. If cost is your reasoning for separating the two, you simply need to do better in your life to where a $3 difference is not such a deal breaker.
Honestly, I don’t know why it’s been a debate for this long, but Five Guys is just better than In-N-Out. I’m glad the rest of the plebes are beginning to come to this realization on their own finally.
I mean seriously, the title of this story, and from every outlet also discussing it is “In-N-Out Loses” and not “Five Guys Wins.” It’s like those writing about it can’t fathom that an aggressively fearless rival burger joint has the audacity to grow and expand, even onto their sacred hallowed grounds of origins. And that’s another ironically humorously ironic thought about the debate, because nobody really knows why In-N-Out is so staunch and stringent about expansion, while Five Guys is basically in every state in the United States by now.
One could assume it has to do with protecting the integrity of the brand, and upholding strict company standards. Undoubtedly, In-N-Out in Dallas, Texas is just like the In-N-Out in Tempe, Arizona, which is just as similar as they are in Las Vegas or Los Angeles. They all taste the same, are completely adequate. But you know where else is consistent no matter where in the country you have it? Five Guys!
I’ve been to all five of the original Five Guys. I’ve been to Five Guys in several other states, and Five Guys in airports, malls and standard shopping centers. No matter where I’ve been to a Five Guys, the quality has been the same, and the satisfaction never wavers.
Frankly, the only accomplishment with In-N-Out’s peculiarly hipster low number of locations is that it creates this artificial demand and craze for the brand, because they’re simply not enough of them around the country to satiate peoples’ curiosities. I’d wager money if there were 3,500 In-N-Outs across the country, Five Guys would probably beat them a little more handily, because when everyone can make the comparison, more people will realize that Five Guys is better.
Instead, In-N-Out can exist with their paltry 313 locations and get owned by Five Guys anyway. Each location might bring in great numbers, but on sheer volume alone, Five Guys will overwhelm them, and that’s ultimately the goal of business, to make money. Being more popular along the way is only a bonus.
The funny thing to me is that I recently watched The Founder, the story about McDonald’s. The big conflict of the story was Ray Kroc’s dreams of expansion and profiting, versus the actual McDonald brothers trying to uphold standards and protect the integrity of their name. And we all know who won out in the end, but basically the implication was that Ray Kroc was incapable of upholding standards while expanding, which is partially true, since today, some McD’s have literally 20 combo meals when, when they originated, they had three items.
What’s funny is that In-N-Out is basically the McDonald brothers, and Five Guys is Ray Kroc. However, it’s Ray Kroc whose completely able to adhere to standards, consistency, and a staunch resistance to change without everyone being on board.
So in the end, it’s two companies that have strict standards and place an importance on consistency and uniformity, except Five Guys has ten times the locations than In-N-Out does, and nearly doubles them up on revenue. And now, appropriately recognized as top burger brand in the country.
